My First One

Hey Lovely People,

I wanted to use my first post to tell you why I started blogging. So here it goes…

I have been on a spiritual journey for the past five years. It’s been full of ups and downs. I have had some amazing transformations within myself and the life I live. I love sharing my experiences with people because it gives others inspiration and courage to do things they never thought they could. Seeing people be inspired by the work I have done is one of the best gifts the world has to offer.

One of the relationships I have seen the biggest transformation with is my mom. When I started this journey in 2012 I wasn’t speaking to her. I stopped talking to her because I thought she took my then husbands side during the divorce and she was having another child. I couldn’t handle the divorce and my relationship with her. It seemed easier to quit talking with her altogether. We didn’t speak for about nine months. I realized how important my relationship was with my mom because of a relationship my boyfriend had with his mom. Towards the end of the nine months, I reached out to her to let her know why I was upset by writing a letter. We slowly started our relationship again, this time on different terms.

Some of the terms were, we could not talk about my little sister and it had to be when I wanted to speak with her. This didn’t last long because the more I delve into my self the more I wanted and needed to have a more meaningful relationship with her.

The last five years, I found out who my mom really was. She wasn’t the story I had made up about her when I was younger. She is this beautiful,  courageous, and strong women who I am working to become. I see the sacrifices, commitment, and love she has for her family, herself, and life.

In order to see this I had to break down the stories and walls I had put up to survive when I was a kid. When I started to delve into the stories and anger I had within myself I started to see my mom do the same thing. She started to look at the relationships around her to see what she could improve upon. It wasn’t easy. It was beautifully terrifying. We had many difficult conversations about our past, present, and future. We continue to have them whenever they need to happen.

Watching my mom transform happened because I was able to transform myself. I was able to look within myself and see what I can do to better this relationship. In doing this, I realized I am a mirror of my mom. I can learn more about myself by looking at my mom than I can from anyone else. She is emotional, courageous, beautiful, loving, and strong just like I am. I am truly my mom’s daughter. This is why I have seen the biggest transformation with my mom than I have with anyone else.

I want to share these transformations, difficulties, and blessings so that others can have the courage, strength, and support to get through things that may seem impossible. Nothing is impossible.

Please join me in this journey and see what you could find for yourself. I will post books, recipes, and stories that influenced my journey so you can see if they influence you in one way or another. Every journey is different and every journey is connected. All in one. One in all.

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Rise Again… I Made It

It happened. I got another tattoo. This is my second one. My first one is a fairy sitting on a moon. It is on my shoulder. I got it done when I was 18 years old. I am not one to get tattoos without reasons. My fairy tattoo was for my grandmother, “memom”. She passed away when I was younger. She was a big part of my life so when she died it was very hard for me. One thing that kept me going was knowing she was always here with me energetically. A friend of mine drew the tattoo for me 3 years before I got the tattoo. It was perfect. I knew that it would be good reminder of my memom. I love fairies. With the fairy sitting on the moon it was like my memom watching over me. She is always here with me.

This tattoo is no different. This tattoo has a meaning for me that is just as deep and sentimental to me as the first.

As you all know, I have been going through a transformation. I have been learning and growing in ways that I never could have imagined. It has been a lot of struggling and pain. I thought the struggle and pain would never end. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for a long time. I just knew I had to keep pushing because something amazing was coming. I also knew I couldn’t go back to who I was before. There is only forward. One thing that kept me pushing was this phoenix ring that my ex-fiancé bought me a long time ago. That ring and its meaning kept me going.

I am a fire sign and the phoenix is a symbol of fire and what fire can do. The phoenix burns itself to ashes then is reborn from the ashes into a beautiful and amazing bird. It goes through hell so that it can be reborn. It does this multiple times. And every time it is more and more beautiful.

It is as though I burnt to ashes in many ways. I had to let go of parts of me that I never could have imagined letting go, the last few months. I have had to do things that I never thought I was capable of doing. Some of the experiences I have been through… being robbed in Chile, living on my own, getting off birth control, leaving my fiancé, and so many more. I look back on the last year and I can’t comprehend what happened. I can’t put what happened into words because I just know it in my soul. It is beautiful. After all the hard work, I am finally here.

Six and half years ago, I screamed and yelled in my apartment. I was yelling that I wanted a better life than what I had. I screamed that I would do everything I could possibly do to have a life I could only dream of. For the last 6 years, I have pushed, fought, and cried myself through many more situations than I could tell you. I lost and gained many things during this journey. I can say with the most confidence possible, that I am HERE! I MADE IT! This is not the end. It is only the beginning. I will have to burn and rise from the ashes many more times before I finally die. I am where I told myself I would be.

I got the tattoo as a symbol of strength, femininity, and love. That is what a phoenix is. It has to endure some pain. It shows it’s strength when it burns and rises up. This one I had drawn IMG_2264with many curves and eventually color. The curves represent the fluidity and flexibility of the feminine essence of a woman. The color represents the brightness and beauty that lives within the feminine soul. The wings raised up represents the openness it takes to truly love. The phoenix’s ability to rise again after being burned to ashes is a representation of what a woman goes through every month when we have our monthly cycles. As a woman, I have the ability to create life from nothing.

This is a perfect representation of who I am and what I do. It is a beautiful illustration of me. I am amazed and in awe of the feminine woman I have become. There is still more work to do spiritually. I am ready for it. The next chapter of my life will be better and more amazing than this one. I hope to share it with you all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Remember there is a beautiful and amazing light at the end of the tunnel. Burn what isn’t meant to be and rise again!

(He still has to do the coloring. I will add the finished tattoo in a few weeks!)

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The stencil
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About to start
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It was painful
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Some done

No One Understands Me?

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Someone once told me that my life will not be understood until I pass away. People will not understand the way I live my life until after I am dead. I was told this about 2 years ago by a lady very dear to me that is no longer alive. Her name was Teresa. This lady was an absolutely amazing woman. She lived a full and happy life. This beautiful woman achieved many things in her lifetime. One thing she did was spend many years learning and understanding astrology.

Me, Teresa, and a few other friends from IHP were at the IHP cabin in New York not far from the Pennsylvania border. We had just finished a wonderful dinner that Teresa had prepared. Somehow we started talking about our birthdays and the astrology related to when we were born. Someone mentioned that Teresa could read our astrology map (I don’t know what it is actually called). A bunch of us wanted to know what our astrology said about us. We all pulled up our astrology maps so she could read them for us.

There were two things she said about mine that stuck out to me. One was my relationship with my father and people understanding me. I won’t go into what she said about my relationship with my father because that is something I have already understood and worked through. The one that I put on the back burner was people understanding me. I actually forgot about this until today.

I have always struggled with people understanding me. Even to this day, I feel that no one understands why and how I think. It is just something that I battle with all the time. It’s hard for me to explain certain things in my life. I don’t know how to make sense of the things that happen within me so that people understand. I understand me on a level that doesn’t have words to explain. This causes me to doubt myself in a lot of situations. I tell someone something and they get confused because I can’t explain it. It is hard to explain something that doesn’t have words. It is hard to explain something that my spirit knows that my head can’t comprehend.

I have been writing in a diary for a long time. I have been rereading them to see what has changed with me over the years. I realize that one day those writings will be turned bookinto a book. I do not know if I will write the book before I die or someone else will write the book after I die. It will be written at some point. People may not understand me now yet when I am gone they will understand what my life was about and what I am spending my life doing.

I have been spending most of my time trying to get people to understand me, the way I understand me. This has caused a lot of issues in my relationships with people. They think that I am trying to change them when that’s not the truth. I am trying to get them to understand me the only way I know how. I understand me by understanding other people. I figure out the reasons behind why I do certain things from watching and observing other people. I use this as a way to try to get other people to understand me. I desperately want people to understand me. Well, my ego desperately wants people to understand me. My ego says “I can’t be truly loved unless people understand who I really am”. How can other people understand me if they don’t understand themselves? So, I try to get people to understand themselves so they can understand me. This pushes them away. Maybe, my life is about me understanding me. Why do I need to get people to understand me? What would life be like if I accepted that I am the only one who needs to understand me? How would this change my relationships with other people?

Wow, this is huge for me. I don’t know what else to say. Just, WOW! There is more for me to recognize with this. This is the beginning of a new and beautiful life for me. A life free from what stops me from living up to my full potential. More to come…

Why Do I Want Space?

When I was with my ex-fiance, he would hide things from me because he didn’t want to deal with my emotions on the situation. I used to get so angry because he would never give me the opportunity to change how I responded. I always used to say maybe I wouldn’t react the way I did if you told me before hand instead of waiting for me to find out. Give me the option to change how I respond. Trust that I would respond differently.

I never understood really why he did what he did. I may not lie or hid things like he did yet I do something else. I realized that I am taking space from someone I care about because I do not want to deal with their reactions or anger towards me when I am dealing with my emotions. It is easier for me to take space than to deal with the other person.

Let me explain…. Lately, I have been struggling with woman’s health issues. More than I ever have in my life. Something is telling me that this is due to not having a period for the last 7 years. I am on a birth control that doesn’t allow me to have a period. This morning I decided that I am getting off birth control for however long I feel I need too. This is a huge, huge deal for me. I do not like periods. I would rather have all the pain I have physically right now than to have a period. A part of me is fighting my soul to the death for me not to get off birth control. I am emotionally a mess. I feel scared. I feel like I am dying because the fight inside me is so strong. My soul wants me to have a period so I can release the negativity and toxins that are released when a woman has a period. My ego doesn’t want that to happen.

Since I am with this guy, he needs to know about me not being on birth control. It will change our relationship in many ways. I told him what was happening and asked what he thought. He didn’t respond. I asked him what he would think if I took space for a little. His response changed my whole thinking. He said “ what the F@#! Is happening to you? You need to run to the beach after work because your energies are out of control.” I decided to ask myself why do I need space.

Why do I need space? When I realized this my head exploded. I need space because of the same reason my ex fiancé hid or lied to me about things. It is easier to take space than to deal with the other person’s possible negative or angry response. I want to take space because I know what I am about to go through. What I am about to go through will be painful for me. I do not need someone acting angry or negative while I am dealing with what I am dealing with. It hit me how hard it was for my ex-fiance. I understand deeply what he struggled with.  I am now struggling with a similar thing.

I am not going to take space because I need to give him the option to grow as well. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt he will act different. I need to give him the option that I wanted and never got. I need to allow him in my life because as I go through this everyone else around me will be affected. I cannot take that opportunity away from someone because it’s easier for me. I want people to grow and become their best versions of themselves. In order for me to do that I need to allow them to choose for themselves what they want.

He is a great guy. He may say things that are negative or full of anger yet I know that they are not the real him. The real him is sweet, kind, and loving. I know this because I have had the chance to experience the sweet, kind, and loving part of him. I used to say similar things to my ex-fiance when I found out he lied or hid something from me. I wanted the opportunity to grow for myself and I never got that. I know that this guy would appreciate the same respect I craved.

 

 

 

I Live A Crazy Life.

You guessed it, I am on a plane again. I am headed to NYC for an IHP weekend. Something about flying alone get me thinking about life. It gets me connected with myself.

It has been about a week since I got back from Chile. i am still dealing with credit card and passport situations that area result of my bag being stolen. I was told that I will be on a list going through customs now due to my passport being stolen. This whole things makes me laugh. my life is crazy and I absolutely love it.

I have run into issues getting my create cards replaced. I had the credit card company mail the new card to my dad’s house. It was a windy day and the mail man just put in on the porch. It blew away. My dad couldn’t find it so we cancelled it and had a new one IMG_1370sent to NYC. On the way to the gym, my dad found the mail under a car down the street.

I have run into more questions and more security checks when travelling internationally now. In the past, i would be freaking out and angry. Something has changed within me because I just laugh now.  Nothing can mess with my peace and happiness.

Last week when I got back i had a breakdown. i got scared and fearful. I didn’t want to leave my house. i realized in that breakdown that this was exactly what my spirit needed to transform. To become something new. I let these emotions move through me and what I was left with was amazing peace.

I am happy. I am peace. I have never in my life been so happy with my life and myself. I am in awe of the life I have. I have this new peace. Things keep happening to break me down. It hasn’t even affected me. I just think “okay, col what’s next?”

I had a boyfriend for the last month. He was really nice. He seemed happy. Something didn’t seem right though so i just watch myself around him. Little by little things didn’t add up. I felt like there was something he wasn’t telling me. I asked him what was going on in his life because I felt like he was hiding something from me. He told me he wasn’t hiding anything. I have this power to tell when people lie to me. The bell in my head went off real loud…. He is lying. I had a friend of mine do some digging. Let’s just say everything he told me about his life was a lie. When I confronted him, he just had more lies. I had more questions than answers. I am not about that so I told him not to contact me again.

In the past, I would be so upset and angry about this. How could someone lie to me? For some reason, i just let it go and moved on. I didn’t let the lies affect me and my peace.

Then I spoke to my ex fiance. He told me all about what’s happening in his life. He has a new girlfriend and she is a doozie. When he told me what was happening in his life, it made me think “oh boy, you are headed in the wrong direction. This is not the man I know. what’s happening” I never once thought it was my fault he is where he is. One could say that i didn’t leave him in the best way.

In the past, I would make it my fault. I would feel horrible. This time, I am good. I know what I did and I am confident I did what was right. I am at peace with myself. I cannot change him. I can’t make him see something he is not ready to see. All I can do is grow myself.

We all have a choice. You can chose to evolve or stay the same. I chose to evolve even if it’s painful. I chose love, forgiveness, peace, and freedom. I don’t have time for anger or resentment. I don’t have time for blaming. I am responsible for my actions and my actions only.

I could be angry at the man that stole my bag. I could be angry that my boyfriend lied to me about his whole life. I could be angry at my ex fiance for moving in with his girlfriend because that’s what I wanted from him. I have many reasons to be angry right now. I chose love and laughter because the only person that anger hurts is me. Any does nobody any good so why chose to be angry?

Choosing happiness and laughter in a time of madness is the most liberating feeling. I feel unstoppable. I have more power now than I ever did holding on to anger, blame, and resentment. This is my life and I will live it with integrity, love, and pave. I will laugh my way through life.

It’s funny because I see how being happy and laughing my way though the craziness change the people around me. My first flight today, I talked to a man and a group of ladies about living in Costa Rica. I told them about my passport and all the situations I have been in. I did it all with laughter. This made them smile. They all knew the situations weren’t the best. I know that because I told them with a laugh an peace i left an impression on them. I know this because the man told someone else my story (after we had gone our separate ways), who ran into me. The girl asked me if I had sat with a man with a long pony tail. I told her yes. She told me that he was just telling her about my passport issue and everything. Imagine if I had anger and told them the stories? If i had been angry and resentful that’s what they would feel. I know that I left them changed in some way because of how I was. I am changing the world one laughable, painful story at a time.

My stories and situations are inspiring others. Its showing people that in times of pain and suffering, peace and laughing are possible. My strength and love are changing the world.

What you do have a ripple affect. One small action can have a larger affect on society than you could ever imagine. Would you rather “ripple” love and laughter or anger and resentment? It’s your choice.

Oh and I got bit by mosquito in my sleep, on my lip. IMG_1381

The Beginning or The End?

How can someone get to know you when you don’t really know yourself? Lately, I don’t know who I am. The things I have been going through have changed me in ways I can’t explain. I do things that I have never done before. I also do things that I have done for years. When you are in a relationship with someone how can you expect them to get to know you when you are still getting to know yourself?

After my trip to Chile, I feel even more lost. I feel even more scared. I feel even more alone. Since I moved to Costa Rica, there have been many things I have lost along the way. I know the things that I have lost were meant for me to lose. I know I have let go of things that no longer support my spiritual journey. I lost them so that I could make space for this new phase in my life.

Having my backpack stolen from me has been hard. I can’t lie and say that it has been easy. I can’t lie and say it isn’t painful. In reality, it is painful to have something stolen from you. It is scary to not have access to money as easily. It is painful and scary to be in a foreign country and only have a certain amount of money in your possession. It is scary because now I do not feel safe. I feel scared to leave my house for fear that it could happen again. I know that I am safe and that I am now more aware of my surroundings than I was before.

When my bag was stolen I was with someone. That made me feel safe. That made me feel like I could do anything. I am now in Costa Rica alone. I have people here yet they are not like the people I had in Chile. The people I had in Chile are special to me because they are on the same path as me. They know the work that I do because they do the same work. Not having these people with me now is hard. I know I can call them any time I need. I know they would be there for me. I want someone physically here with me. I do not want to be alone physically. I do not want to go to the store alone. I do not want to walk to the beach alone. I had no issues doing this before the Chile trip. Now, I am scared to do it.

I realize that this fear is not my true self. The fear is coming from a place that doesn’t want to let go of the person I thought I was. The fear is my old self trying to hold on. The fear is me trying to understand something that intellectually I can never understand. My spirit knows that everything is okay. My spirit knows everything I need to understand. My spirit knows what is about to happen next. My spirit knows the beauty that is fighting its way to the surface.

If I let this painful process of growing run its course, I will be closer to achieving my purpose in this life. Someone once told me that when a caterpillar is in the chrysalis, the caterpillar turns to slime before it turns into a butterfly. I had no idea that was what happened inside the chrysalis. As I am going through all the things I am going through I see that I am inside a chrysalis. I am melting down all the parts of me that are not me and becoming the person I really am.

For all of you out there going through a life change, know that you are never alone. Remember that there is a beautiful and amazing butterfly that will come from all the struggling and pain. Remember to flow with the emotions and feelings. Remember to breathe and stay connected to your heart. It may seem like you are going to die. I can tell you that you are only beginning to really live.

Chile… A Whirlwind Trip

Hey Everyone,

What a whirlwind of a trip I just had. I recently went to Chile for the reading of a will for someone who passed away recently. It was a monumental trip for everyone who attends IHP. There were about 23 peoples from the New York IHP there as well as others from around the world.

I knew before I went on the trip something was going to happen. I had a feeling in my soul that I was going learn and grow from something. I prepared for it the best I could for 4 days before I flew out. A bunch of little things happened before I left that tested my patience. I was able to keep calm during those. What happened when I got to Chile was something I never thought about.

I got to Chile, Friday morning at 4 am. I went from the airport to the AirBnB, me and 4 other women were staying in. I took a nap for a few hours until a few other women arrived. I needed to get my cell phone working because I was unable to use my Costa Rican number in Chile. It was the same for another friend. Together, we went out to get a prepaid Chile number, some Chilean Pesos, and lunch. While we were at lunch the craziest thing happened. Not thinking, I put my backpack on the back of my chair, sat down, and had lunch. While my friend and I were talking, a man came and sat at the table behind me. At some point, he took my bag from the back of the chair and walked out of the restaurant. Right in front of our faces. She and I never got up from the table, not even for a second. I noticed it was gone as I turn to put a tissue in the side pocket. I looked at my friend and said “my bag is gone.” She didn’t believe me. I told her I had put it on the back of the chair. We notified the restaurant staff, who looked around the restaurant for it. It was gone. I knew the second I turned around it had been stolen. I knew this was what was supposed to happen. This was what I had been preparing for. I have no idea how I did it, yet is stayed calm. I didn’t let it affect me. I cried. I laughed. I stayed silent. I went through a few emotions as I stayed calm. It was unbelievable. I felt peace. I felt love. I felt calm. I was good.

The restaurant was very helpful. They let us watch the cameras. We were able to see him walking out with my bag. He was a professional. The way he walked out with my bag in front of a waitress was crazy. We got the video and went straight to the police station. It took about 2 hours to get a police report. Since it was Friday after 5pm, the US embassy was closed until Monday. I had to wait until Monday to get a new passport.

Since my flight was supposed to leave at 4pm on Monday, I had to change my flight. I called the airline and they wanted $900 to change the flight. I do not have this kind of money. I do have travel insurance for the trip. I have never used travel insurance so I didn’t feel comfortable spending the money. I didn’t want to get stuck with having to pay any of the money for the flight change. I took some time to think of other options. I decided to call the airline again. This time, we found a loop hole for changing my flight for free. Last week, the airline company changed the flight number. Since the airline had made the change, I was allowed to change my flight for free. What a blessing this was. The universe was looking out for me.

I am amazed at how far I have come. I was able to stay calm. I didn’t over react. I didn’t fall apart. I held it together. I was able to attend the meetings and be present with the people I was with. I took it one step at a time. I did what I could when I could do it. I knew that I was in the best possible place for this to happen. I had over 300 people who would be there for me in any way they could. I had a community of people that supported me in ways I could never have imagined. Not only did I have the people with me, I had myself. Over the last 7 months, I have been working on myself. I had been overcoming things within myself that do not bring me peace and love. I was able to keep my peace, my love, and my freedom.

The crazy thing is…. I did this all with being sick. I had a headache, stuffy nose, and cough. Physically I felt like crap. All the while, I was able to keep myself. I am still in awe of what I accomplished with the whole situation. I have a lot to process and figure out from this. I have emotions and feelings I need to work through. This trip was full of mental and spiritual growth. It is exactly what my spirit needs to grow. What I am supposed to take from this, I need to find out. What I am supposed to do with this experience, I need to find out. I know that I am able to accomplish anything because I have the power and tools to do so.

Happiness?

Today I am leaving on a trip to Santiago, Chile. It has been a unexpected trip for someone I know that had passed away. The trip is going to be a life changing trip. I know this because there are somethings working against me trying to convince me not to go. In my heart, I know that this is the best thing for me spiritually. I know going is going to be an experience of a lifetime. It will show me parts of myself I never knew existed. It will show me what I am capable of and what I can accomplish in ways I can’t even imagine.

I am learning with this trip to be patient. To love and understand different things. As I am preparing for this trip, I realize there are people who are really angry. They have resentment towards things in their lives that make them angry. I can see this very clearly because that’s how I used to live my life. Everyone was against me. Everyone got things I couldn’t have. Everyone seemed happy and I was angry I couldn’t be happy like them. Friends would tell me about something good in their life and I would tell them “fantastic, great for you.” Which sounds like I care, and in reality I am just jealous and angry they have something I don’t.

Until I started planning this trip, I never noticed this part of me. I am seeing that I am truly happy with my life because I am making it my own. I am not living for other people. I am doing what I feel is right in my heart. I am letting go of what I thought would make me happy and letting in what really makes me happy. What really makes me happy is becoming a better version of me. What really makes me happy is loving people and giving them a smile to brighten their day. What really makes me happy is being around people who want me to succeed and see what I am capable of. Being around people who love me for who I am and not trying to make me into what they want.

This life is too short to be angry or resentful. This life is meant for living, loving, and growing. The only way to live a life that is meaningful is to be honest with yourself about how you feel and what your going through. If your not honest, how can you find the truth? If your not honest, how can you see what’s really going on inside you?

You can’t pretend your something your not. I can’t pretend I am happy when in reality I am miserable. The misery or emotions show on your face, it shows in your body language. When you are truly happy and at peace, your body and face look different. People who are truly happy have a light and peaceful face. They look younger and more vibrant.

You can’t run or hide from your true feelings. Own them and transmute them into something amazing. Life won’t be all sunshine and roses yet if your honest with yourself it makes life a whole hell of a lot easier. It makes like enjoyable and worth living.

Laughing is Good Medicine

I feel like I am on top of the world. Life is crazy and it’s been difficult. It has shown me how strong I actually am. I do things that a lot of people don’t understand. They think I should be doing something other than what I am doing. However, I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do. I know this because I am happy even though things are difficult. I also know myself.

Yesterday, I was called to the principal’s office to talk about somethings that have been happening with my class. In the past, I would have taken it personally and got defensive. I acknowledged the mistakes that I made. I am currently doing what I need to do to correct them. The funny thing is that I started to make some of the corrections before I was even called to the office. I had known the things were an issue so I made the choice to start correcting them a few days before. Of course, the principal didn’t know this. I feel pretty powerful being able to respond in the way I did.

Why hide your mistakes when acknowledging them can make you powerful? When you acknowledge mistakes and weaknesses, you begin to overcome them. When you start to overcome them you give yourself the power to succeed and grow. It’s a pretty amazing thing.

I have had a cough recently due to the dust in the air here. At night, the cough gets worse. Last night, I had a friend over. We were watching a movie and I started coughing really bad. I coughed for about 10 minutes. When I got done, he did something and I just started laughing. This was not your normal everyday laugh. This was a laugh that lasted 6FE7B574-81E2-4847-B7ED-39AE7563BC2B-3530-000002910E1AC9DBat least 20 minutes. This was a laugh that I could not stop. I tried to stop it and I would just snort or spit everywhere. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. My ab’s started to hurt. It was crazy. I would just laugh and laugh. He would just look at me like I was crazy or he would laugh with me. I have not laughed like this in a very long time. It was a release of some kind because today I feel like a new person. I cannot tell you why I was laughing because I have no idea. He was just doing what he normally does. For some reason, I just needed to let out that much laughter. It was a great feeling.

 

I encourage you all to laugh. Just laugh with all your heart and soul. Even if times are rough, laugh and be happy. Acknowledge your weaknesses and overcome them. Laugh about your weaknesses. Laugh just to laugh. Laugh for no reason at all. Life is great. You are right where you need to be. I promise you that. Accept, laugh, and acknowledge. Trust yourself. Trust that you know what you are doing. Listen to that “gut” feeling and go with it. No one else lives your life. No one else knows you as well as you do. If you don’t know yourself take time to figure out who you are. It’s the only thing you can do to have the life you want.

I am grateful.

On this day last year, I booked my TEFL course and my flight to Costa Rica. That was the moment that changed my entire life. I made the choice to leave everything. I made the choice to start a new life in a foreign country. I left behind friends and family. I left behind normal. Being in Costa Rica is a life that is always changing. Every day I am pushed to learn something new, whether it’s a new word in Spanish or overcoming a fear.

I knew coming to Costa Rica would change my life. It knew it would give me the courage and freedom to be myself, to find my true self. It has done just that. I have found so much within myself I never knew was there. I told my now ex-fiancé that I could no longer be with him. I started dating Spanish guys which is an experience all in itself. I have learned how to take care of myself when I am sick. I learned how to comfort myself in times of 637CD8CD-CF3F-4B7F-86A6-66DF1D0885D1-874-000000754C599B4Asadness and grieve. I learned how to say no to things that no longer work for me. I am learning how and when to talk. I have learned that I could have children one day. I learned how to drive a manual car. I am learning how to speak another language. I am learning how to be a better teacher with my students and others around me.

I recently read a quote, “When the time comes for you to make a change or to grow, the universe will make you so uncomfortable you will eventually have no choice.” This is what happened to me. A year ago, I wrote about this experience a little bit. I was at a job that made me physically and emotionally sick so much so, I had to make a change. I started to feel uncomfortable way before the job. The job was the last thing I needed to make it happen.

There were many things that I was not happy with that I couldn’t seem to overcome. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn’t break free of. I felt like I was fighting to survive so I had no time to live. In 2014 and part of 2015, I was in good mental and physical shape. I was making improvements in my life. I felt like I was living. Then, at the end of 2015, I decided to move in with Jon and his dad. This was the start of being “uncomfortable”. I loved Jon and his Dad. I still do. They will always have a special place in my heart. When I moved in with them, things started to change within me. Things I didn’t like and I didn’t know what to do with. The experience of living with them was the best thing that I needed. It is something that I would go back and do again if I had too.

When I was there, I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do the things I had done in the past. I didn’t know why I stopped eating healthy. I didn’t know why I stopped exercising and gained weight. I didn’t understand a lot of things that I now understand. After having the time to myself here in Costa Rica I understand all of the why’s I didn’t know before. I understand on a deeper level what it is like to live and not just survive. I know what it is like to be free.

I am thankful for Jon and my family for helping me make the transition to this new life. I know Jon is not in my life as much as he used to be and that’s okay. I am thankful for all the things he has done to help me become the person I am today. When I decided to make this move last year he was the one that supported me the most. He helped me emotionally, mentally, and financially. He knew that when I moved, there was a high chance that I would leave him. He helped me anyway. I have learned to give without expecting anything in return because of that man. That man can give without expecting anything in return. I have never felt the love and appreciation from someone as much as I did from him.

My life will never be the same because of him. He is an amazing guy that I know will do amazing things. I hope him all the best in what he does. He has touched my life in ways one could only imagine. It will come back to him in ways he could only dream of.

The guy that I spoke about in my last post, I have to thank him too. I have to thank him for being patient with me and letting me do what I do to learn. He isn’t perfect and neither am I. The things I have and am currently learning from him is beyond what I could put into words. I realize that the last post I wrote was not as well written as I thought it could be. I could have written that in a way that I didn’t have to mention him or portray him in the way that I did. I have opened my heart to things I never knew I could because of him. I will cherish the time I have with him. I will continue to learn and grow from him. He is a mirror for what I need to learn. I am thankful and appreciative of everything that he does and doesn’t do for me. I am not sure I would be learning the things I am if it wasn’t for him being the mirror he is for me. I hope to continue to learn from him.

Life is a process of learning. I am learning to do things for people no matter what will happen. Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and show them love regardless of the outcome. Be a light for people in your lives because you never know how that one thing will change their lives. If someone does something for you even though it might be hard for them, grow and learn from it. Be grateful for what they have given you. Even if you can’t give back to them the way they did for you, give back any way you can. Life is short. Love and appreciate every little thing. I am learning to use my words wisely and with love. I am learning to change my perspective so that I can write or speak in a more loving and caring way. Anything is possible.

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A Time of Growth

 

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Hey Everybody,

I know it has been a while since I have written. I have had some medical issues as well as a death that has been taking a lot of my time. While all these things have been going on I have been learning so much about myself and life. It has been a wonderful experience despite the difficulties.

I had to learn to drive a manual car because I reserved the wrong car at the rental car company. I stalled that car more times than I can count. It was an adventure. One thing I can say is I made it the 3 hours to Jaco and the 3 hours back without any issues. It was an absolutely amazing experience driving a manual. This is an accomplishment for me. It was super frustrating and I managed to make it happen calmly.

As most of you know, I attend a school in New York City called the Institute for Hermetic Philosophy. The guy that founded IHP has written some books that as based on the principles we learn at the school. It is some pretty amazing stuff. I have been reading one of his books, “Morals for the 21st Century”. It took me a month to read the whole thing. It is really intense and long. It gave me a lot of insight into how I live my life and how I want to raise a family when I have one.

Since I have been single and dating, this book really helped me see things clearly. I have always been one who didn’t really want kids. I have recently opened my heart to the idea of having children. The thing is I want to conceive and raise these kids in a certain way. The book added a depth to how I want to do this and how it should look. It has given me insight into the type of marriage and family I want to have as well. I realized that a guy I was seeing a few months back was just a fantasy. I had this fantasy of what he could be and not what he actually is right now. Everyone could grow and evolve if they chose too. Then I realized that I would rather be alone than be with someone who isn’t honest. He may not have lied to me yet he did lie to the children at school when they asked if he liked me (we work together). I understand that it is work and we should be quiet yet there are ways to be honest and keep things quiet.  And he lied to his ex-wife about me as well. I do not want to raise a child with someone who lies about simple things. This is a huge deal breaker for me. It took me a good 2 months to realize this. He is a great friend and I will continue to be friends with him. However, I will lose the “fantasy” of being with him or having a family with him.

Another thing I want to have in my family is an environment where the child is free to express what they are feeling without being told it needs to be a certain way. I know that I have issues with this and have been working on this with the students at school and the people in my life.

I got sick again the other day and missed two days of work. The guy I just mentioned messaged me asking why I wasn’t at work. I said because I was sick. His first response was about the two things he sees. One was that I am not taking care of myself and I am too focused on my abs. The second was that I am mentally not good and my mental state is affecting my health. It took me a good day to respond to him about this. I agree that IMG_0411mental states do affect my health. It does that with everyone. The thing is there is a better way of saying this to someone. He is also not around me 24/7 so therefore he doesn’t know what I am doing in my life. I am learning that I cannot tell people something that I really don’t know. If I am not in your head or living your life, how can I tell you that you are in a negative mental state? Also, if I am not living at a higher state of consciousness, how can I be the one to say something to someone about their “mental” state?

The reason I bring this up is because I have been learning how what I say affects other people. I have been learning when it is my place to say something and when it is not my place. As well as saying it with positive and conscious words. I admit I am not perfect with my words and I am working on using them in a more harmonious way. I am doing this for a few reasons. One is because I need to do this for me to have a better life. Words carry a lot of weight so I need to use them wisely. Second is because I want my children to feel safe. I want them to be able to learn and think for themselves in a way that creates awareness with what they are doing. If I am speaking to my children in the way he spoke to me that day I could imagine how my children would react. I could imagine this because I know what it felt like to have this said to me.

This is a huge deal for me. I have issues with fantasies and boyfriends. I have had issues with seeing the fantasy and not the true person in the moment. People can grow, I sure have. The things is I have to see these fantasies for what they really are right now. I only have right now. Tomorrow is not always guaranteed. I have made some mistakes in my past with fantasies i have with men. This is a huge opportunity of growth for me.

You can learn and grow from anything that is put in your way. Whether it is learning to drive a manual car or seeing the fantasy you created about someone. Life is meant to be learned from and lived. Learn from everything. All the small things like what you say to someone to the big things like conquering a fear. Take everything and make it something amazing. Life is better when your head is held high than it is in the ground.