Life has been tough for me the last two weeks. It has been full of ups and downs. I have been questioning things I have never once questioned. The thing is I am still pushing. I am still aware of what needs to be done. I am aware of myself. I may not be able to see the future and I may not be able to see tomorrow. That is okay because I can see right now. I can see the work that is being done in my life. So many areas of my life that are being pushed and pulled. My relationship with my fiancé. My attitude towards people. My responses towards people. My strength in myself. My ability to keep going despite not having the answers.
I feel alone here in Costa Rica and I feel so loved at the same time. Everyday I keep faith that the fight will be over soon. I moved here because I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I moved here because my feminine work needs to be alone. I will become aware of so many things that I never knew existed. I will look back on this time and know that I did my best. I never gave up. I put all I had into the journey I am on. I couldn’t be more scared in my life because I have no clue WHO I will be this time next year. I have no clue WHERE I will be this time next year. I know where I am TODAY and that’s all that matters. I know that the universe has something in store for me that I could never imagine. I know that not only will I be someone I couldn’t imagine the people around me will be someone they didn’t know they could be either. I know this because the last time I went through something like this the people around me changed. They became something beautiful just like I had.
I don’t post a whole lot of stuff about the events that go on in the world because I think that the way for me to do something about it is to become who I need to be and people around me will follow. My mother is this amazing women that I couldn’t imagine my life without. She guides me in many aspects of my life with her wisdom and advice. She always has the right things to say. They may not be easy to hear all the time and it’s always what I need. I used to think that my mom was against me and she didn’t know anything. It took me a long time to understand that my mom made mistakes and that doesn’t make her any less amazing. My mom has done many things that I admire and strive to be. One being that she is honest. When I need advice she is always honest. She has learned from her mistakes which has shown me that I need to own up to my mistakes and my shortcomings. She is not afraid to tell me what mistakes she has made with raising me or my sister. She is honest about her mistakes she made with my father. This is probably the most amazing thing ever. I have learned that being honest and owning up to your mistakes is how you learn and grown.
My sister is really overcoming so many things in her life. I may not talk to her all the time yet I see how she is evolving. It is amazing to watch. I am having more and more conversations with her that I love and appreciate. My dad and I are able to talk about more things that we have never talked about in our life. It is just amazing to see the transformations and love that a family can have. Our actions to situations and events show us what we are made of. It gives others the inspiration and courage to step out of their comfort zones to become someone they didn’t know they could.
My fiancé is a big person in my life. I may be questioning where our relationship will be in a year or two. I do know that today he is showing me how to be alone. He is showing me love. He is showing me patience. He is showing me things that I don’t quite understand. I am blessed beyond words how amazing this man is. I know that he is struggling having me so many miles away. I know that it’s hard for him in ways that I cannot understand. I don’t know what will happen with us after a year of being in different countries. I do know that if I have faith and I keep looking within myself it will all work out.
Life is something wonderful because it gives you what you need. If you become aware and conscious though those times it will give you more back than you ever expected.