There have been a lot of emotions racing through my body the last few days. I don’t understand them. I feel so many things at once. Some of the emotions contradict themselves. Why can you feel completely happy and completely mad at the same time? Why can you feel like you love someone and at the same time you don’t?
I told my fiancé that we needed a break last Thursday. It wasn’t what I was planning to do. It just happened. I have been feeling frustrated and angry with him for many reasons. Somethings are things that I need to work out on my own. Somethings are things he needs to work out with himself. Our relationship needs this space because if we don’t take this space it won’t be good in the end.
I am feeling resentment and anger. I am not 100% there because I have some growth that I need to do. I can sit here and blame him for my unhappiness and my resentment. The thing is that does nobody any good. I need to own up to my faults and work on what I need to better myself. Don’t get me wrong, he has done somethings in the relationship as well. I cannot make him own up to that or make him see that he messed up too. The only thing I can do is get myself right with me. If he wants us and he wants to make us work, then he will do the work he needs to do within himself.
Then there is the other guy. He is working through some stuff with his life. I am seeing him take what I am showing him and running with it. I am seeing him be present with people in his life in ways that he hasn’t. This is fantastic. This is requiring me to get close to him in ways I have never been mentally. He is falling for me, hard. I am having a reaction to this. Which is crazy. You would think that I would love it and run with it. The thing is I can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know what is going on.
I have always been one to move very quickly in a relationship. I am always the first to say I love you or make a move. I don’t see myself being with this guy for many reasons. Yet, I do love him. I feel something for him. The something is new to me. It’s not like the love I have experienced in the past. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it. I get confused when I think about it because I love my fiancé. I love him more than anything in the world. He and I will still get married eventually. We just need a break to figure something out. With this other guy, it’s love. It’s just a love that I don’t know how to explain. And my mind can’t understand how I can love two men at once? How can I feel this way for two people even though the feelings are completely opposite? How? There are two words that comes to mind. HOW?!? WHY?!?
I will say that I am terrified to post this blog. I am beyond scared to post this because the whole world will see it. My fiancé and the other guy could see it. They could become confused or take what I am saying the wrong way. I just need to get this out. I don’t understand any of this. I really don’t. I know that this is part of the process of letting go because the universe is giving me strong feelings to write and post this. Since the universe is telling me to write and post this, there is something that I am going to learn from doing so.
Once I get what I am supposed to learn I will post about it. This life is amazing and wonderful. I am living it to the fullest.