My mind has been blown everybody. I am doing the same thing all over again. You have to go to back to my marriage with my ex-husband. He was a good guy. He had things that I had never had before so I fell in love with that. I ignored everything else that was staring me in the face. There were things that I wanted in a partner that he never gave me and I made excuses as to why it was okay that he didn’t do those things. One of which was travel with me to new places. He traveled with me yet not as often as I would have liked. I wanted someone who would explore and not just stay on a resort and read a book by the pool. I wanted someone who would take monthly trips to New York City. I made excuses as to why he never did that not realizing I was selling myself short.
Fast forward to my relationship for the last 6 years. He broke up with me multiple times saying it’s because I needed to learn something. He wouldn’t talk to me most of the time. The thing is I took him back every time because I thought that I needed him to learn about myself and that I couldn’t do it on my own. I made excuses and kept the relationship going and dealing with the breakups when they came. Yes, I grew a lot and I wouldn’t go back and change this if I could. When people asked me why I took him back or why he and I did this my excuse was it was just how our relationship was. I settled. I wanted him to stay and not leave. I told him this and he couldn’t give it to me. I took him back every time because I was afraid to lose something.
Now, I was with this guy the last month or so. I asked him recently if we were boyfriend and girlfriend; he said no. The day this conversation happened I told him that I couldn’t talk to him until he was ready to be that for me. He sent messages and he got mad at me. So what did I do? I folded and took him back. I settled again. I am scared that I will lose something good. I would rather have certain things even though I’m not getting exactly what I want. I can have what I want and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing one thing when I can have it all.
I suggested we start over. He said yes. So for the last two weeks I was being this amazing girl to get him to see that I am worth it. I was being me. The thing is that he isn’t in the place to see everything I have to offer. He wasn’t ready to start over and even though I did he didn’t. I want certain things from a partner. He has some and he has potential for the rest. He just has to want it bad enough to be that for me. I need to be a FUCK YES in all ways. I am not that for him so I need to let myself go so that either he has space to see that or someone else will come along and be that for me. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that I need to be that for myself. I need to be able to not make excuses and give myself everything I want. If I want to be taken out on a date and shown off by my man than I need to not settle for anything less. If I want someone to be my boyfriend and they aren’t ready I need to walk away and not settle for less. I need to respect and love myself enough to say NO I DON’T WANT THIS! I WANT BETTER BECAUSE I CAN HAVE IT! I do not need to justify why I want these things either. I need to stand for what I want because if I can’t stand for what I want. How will anyone be able to do that for me? I need to do what I need for me. I need to be a FUCK YES FOR MYSELF! I am not bringing myself down to someone else’s level because they aren’t ready, just for potential. Action is what I need. I need to be action for myself so I attract that same thing.
BE A FUCK YES for yourself and don’t settle. Do not settle for one or two things when you can have it all. If you want the sunshine you have to handle the hurricane too. You can’t have one without the other. Trust yourself and love yourself when you’re a hurricane or sunshine. You know what you want trust that do not settle for any one.