Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I felt powerful and at the same time I felt sad. I felt like I was grieving the loss of something. And in reality I am. I really liked the guy that I had been seeing for the last few months. I guess I have to grieve the loss since I can no longer see him in that way because I do not want to settle for less.
I started the day off with breakfast at a restaurant in town and a walk on the beach with a new friend. I cleaned my apartment and took a nap after. I felt like I could have slept all day. I didn’t though. I talked with a friend from the states and my mom. I felt better. I know that it is okay to feel sad because loss happens. I just can’t stay in that sadness, which I was good at doing yesterday. I am proud of myself for not letting the sadness over take my life.
This place across the street has a paint and wine night about once a month. I really didn’t have the money to go yet I knew I had to. So I went. They were painting boats. I wasn’t feeling the boat so I painted a seahorse. The place is really awesome with allowing you to paint whatever you like. I was scared to paint the seahorse. I wasn’t sure I could paint the seahorse the way I wanted to. I wasn’t sure it would come out how I imagined. I questioned whether or not I should do the seahorse or the boat for about half hour. The lady at the paint place said do the seahorse. So, I said you know what F this. I am painting the seahorse. I put my headphones in, tuned out the world, and went into myself.
I started to mix the paint for the background and it wasn’t coming out the color I wanted. I started to be like this is a sign you shouldn’t do this. I said to myself, “no you are doing this.” So, I asked for help. The lady helped me mixed the perfect color. Then I needed to outline the seahorse. I laid the canvas on the table, looked at the picture on my phone, and just painted the outline. Again, I was scared. I am not good at drawing animals or people. This was putting me outside my comfort zone. Yet, I knew this is what I needed to paint.
Next, I started on the seaweed at the bottom. I had no idea how I was supposed to do the seaweed so I just started. It wasn’t sure how I wanted it to look. I wasn’t feeling the way it was looking. I was thinking how can I start over and erase this. The universe told me “just keep going.” I pushed through with what I was going even though it wasn’t perfect. What I needed to do next just came to me. The seaweed came out perfect. Exactly how I wanted it too.
It was time to work on the seahorse itself. I was the most fearful about this part. I was really scared that I would mess it up and the painting would be horrible. I asked for some help. She said to start small. Look at a small portion at a time. I tried this and I wasn’t feeling it. Something told me to just paint the whole damn horse yellow and orange. That’s what I did. It gave me a base coat that so that I could work from there. It wasn’t getting the result I wanted to, so asked for help again. All while thinking I can’t do this. She came over and suggested I use my fingers to get the look I wanted. I am thinking painting on canvas with my fingers?!? That’s new. Again, something said do it. So I used almost every finger on my right hand to get the seahorse to look a certain way. The more I worked with the paint and my fingers the more I began to love the painting. It was coming out great.
I could tell you step by step what I did, yet that is not the point of this. The point is that I pushed myself every step of the way during this painting. I didn’t think I could do it. I was determined to do this painting. I was determined to make this happen. Yes, I messed up on the fin of the seahorse and I found a way to fix it. I found a way to make it exactly how I wanted it too. I wanted to leave the seahorse plain without the brown lines for its spine because I was afraid I would ruin the beauty I had. I just picked up a brush and went to work. I painting the brown spines exactly where they needed to be. I didn’t second guess myself. I just painted. The final result is perfection. I am completely happy and proud of myself. I didn’t limit myself to something plain because it was too hard to make it perfect. I pushed through the thoughts and my piece came out perfect. It was hard and it was worth it.
When you want to do something do it with all your heart. Do it with all you got and it will be perfect. You may mess up and you may need help along the way. That’s okay. Keep pushing because the work you put into it will reward you with something amazing. I am confident and happy today because I didn’t let fear stop me. Love yourself so much that you make things you want a reality. If you want to paint that picture, do it. If you want to write a book, do it. If you want to move, do it. If you want that relationship, make it happen. Life is too short to be scared and fearful of what could happen. If you don’t try, you won’t see what you are capable of. Do it with all your heart with the right intentions and you will be amazed at the end result.