The weight of the world

Recently, I found out that I am an Empath. If you don’t know what an Empath is, it is someone who is affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. I have been reading a lot about Empaths. I am understanding why I am not understood by people and why I feel the crazy emotions that I feel. Sometimes I will be happy and on top of the world. At the same time, I will feel many other things like anger or confusion.

I have been so happy lately with how my life has been. It’s been hard the last few weeks and I still find myself happy and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions I have made and the things that I have done. I am seeing my true power. I am seeing just how strong and loving I really am. I am seeing a new Ashley. It’s overwhelming sometimes the new changes within me. It’s exciting and completely amazing as well.

The last week I has been hitting me really hard. I have been feeling things that I know are not my feelings. There are many changes happening at my job and in my life. I am alone for the first time in three years. I have no family here and I have no friends that support me like the ones back in the states. Since I have only been here for a few months I am still growing relationships. Whereas the ones at home I’ve had for many years. They know exactly what to do. They have been helping me tremendously over the phone as much as they can. There is only so much that can be done over the phone.

Since there are many changes happening at work I can feel everyone and their energies. I can feel the stress and the anxiety. I can feel the tension between everyone. I can see people struggling with the new responsibilities and changes. They all seem happy and great. I however feel what they really feel. I feel what’s truly going on in their bodies. It’s overwhelming for me because I feel the weight of everyone. I have my own struggles with my life. I don’t want to feel what other people are feeling.

Being an Empath is a gift and a curse. I love that I feel these things because it helps me understand on a really deep level what people are dealing with so I can help them. On the other hand, I feel the weight of the world (literally) on my shoulders. I am doing everything in my power to move these energies out of my body because they are not me and I don’t need them. I have learned a lot of things I can do because of the school I went to in New York City. The exercises I learned at IHP are helping me be able to stay within myself. This doesn’t mean that breakdowns don’t happen. They sure do. I just stay conscious and aware of myself the entire time I am breaking down.

Today, I had worst breakdown I have had in a long time. The day started off good. I organized my desk at school. I prepared what I needed for the day. It was good. Then around lunch time I went to the office for something and we started talking about my work visa. (I have been trying to get them to do this for 3 months) Come to find out… one of my documents expired last week. A document I can only get from the states. Let’s just say I wasn’t happy. I said to myself “you’re good under pressure. Let’s rock this.” (all while feeling like giving up) So, that’s what I did, I got to work. I thought of every option I possibly could. It’s either I go to the states and get it or someone brings it to me. I don’t want to go back to the states so I called everyone I know to get this paper and the stamp I need for it. Finally, I found someone. I just have to order a birth certificate and send it to her. I can’t do this unless my billing and shipping address are the same. I mean come on that’s easy to fix. Yet, when you’re on edge of a breakdown it’s a big deal. I fixed it and it’s done. I can’t do any more with the paperwork.

During lunch, we had a meeting with the new principal. Everyone is in the same room during their lunch time so I can feel the energies from everyone. I can feel the unease and the anxiety. I could feel so many energies there. I just felt like I needed to get out of there. As soon as it was over I left the room. I pulled myself together to teach the rest of the day. Which I am super proud I could do.

Let’s just say life kept coming at me after I got home. I broke down. I cried. I screamed. I ran. I breathed. I danced. I did everything I could possibly do. I want to give up right now. The thing is…. I can’t. I will keep pushing through whatever life is trying to teach me right now. I am fighting and learning about the different energies. I am figuring out what all this means for me and my life

Thank you everyone who has helped and encouraged me this week. It means the words to me! I love you all. You are the reason I keep pushing.

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