I know it has been a while since I have written. I have had some medical issues as well as a death that has been taking a lot of my time. While all these things have been going on I have been learning so much about myself and life. It has been a wonderful experience despite the difficulties.
I had to learn to drive a manual car because I reserved the wrong car at the rental car company. I stalled that car more times than I can count. It was an adventure. One thing I can say is I made it the 3 hours to Jaco and the 3 hours back without any issues. It was an absolutely amazing experience driving a manual. This is an accomplishment for me. It was super frustrating and I managed to make it happen calmly.
As most of you know, I attend a school in New York City called the Institute for Hermetic Philosophy. The guy that founded IHP has written some books that as based on the principles we learn at the school. It is some pretty amazing stuff. I have been reading one of his books, “Morals for the 21st Century”. It took me a month to read the whole thing. It is really intense and long. It gave me a lot of insight into how I live my life and how I want to raise a family when I have one.
Since I have been single and dating, this book really helped me see things clearly. I have always been one who didn’t really want kids. I have recently opened my heart to the idea of having children. The thing is I want to conceive and raise these kids in a certain way. The book added a depth to how I want to do this and how it should look. It has given me insight into the type of marriage and family I want to have as well. I realized that a guy I was seeing a few months back was just a fantasy. I had this fantasy of what he could be and not what he actually is right now. Everyone could grow and evolve if they chose too. Then I realized that I would rather be alone than be with someone who isn’t honest. He may not have lied to me yet he did lie to the children at school when they asked if he liked me (we work together). I understand that it is work and we should be quiet yet there are ways to be honest and keep things quiet. And he lied to his ex-wife about me as well. I do not want to raise a child with someone who lies about simple things. This is a huge deal breaker for me. It took me a good 2 months to realize this. He is a great friend and I will continue to be friends with him. However, I will lose the “fantasy” of being with him or having a family with him.
Another thing I want to have in my family is an environment where the child is free to express what they are feeling without being told it needs to be a certain way. I know that I have issues with this and have been working on this with the students at school and the people in my life.
I got sick again the other day and missed two days of work. The guy I just mentioned messaged me asking why I wasn’t at work. I said because I was sick. His first response was about the two things he sees. One was that I am not taking care of myself and I am too focused on my abs. The second was that I am mentally not good and my mental state is affecting my health. It took me a good day to respond to him about this. I agree that mental states do affect my health. It does that with everyone. The thing is there is a better way of saying this to someone. He is also not around me 24/7 so therefore he doesn’t know what I am doing in my life. I am learning that I cannot tell people something that I really don’t know. If I am not in your head or living your life, how can I tell you that you are in a negative mental state? Also, if I am not living at a higher state of consciousness, how can I be the one to say something to someone about their “mental” state?
The reason I bring this up is because I have been learning how what I say affects other people. I have been learning when it is my place to say something and when it is not my place. As well as saying it with positive and conscious words. I admit I am not perfect with my words and I am working on using them in a more harmonious way. I am doing this for a few reasons. One is because I need to do this for me to have a better life. Words carry a lot of weight so I need to use them wisely. Second is because I want my children to feel safe. I want them to be able to learn and think for themselves in a way that creates awareness with what they are doing. If I am speaking to my children in the way he spoke to me that day I could imagine how my children would react. I could imagine this because I know what it felt like to have this said to me.
This is a huge deal for me. I have issues with fantasies and boyfriends. I have had issues with seeing the fantasy and not the true person in the moment. People can grow, I sure have. The things is I have to see these fantasies for what they really are right now. I only have right now. Tomorrow is not always guaranteed. I have made some mistakes in my past with fantasies i have with men. This is a huge opportunity of growth for me.
You can learn and grow from anything that is put in your way. Whether it is learning to drive a manual car or seeing the fantasy you created about someone. Life is meant to be learned from and lived. Learn from everything. All the small things like what you say to someone to the big things like conquering a fear. Take everything and make it something amazing. Life is better when your head is held high than it is in the ground.