The Beginning or The End?

How can someone get to know you when you don’t really know yourself? Lately, I don’t know who I am. The things I have been going through have changed me in ways I can’t explain. I do things that I have never done before. I also do things that I have done for years. When you are in a relationship with someone how can you expect them to get to know you when you are still getting to know yourself?

After my trip to Chile, I feel even more lost. I feel even more scared. I feel even more alone. Since I moved to Costa Rica, there have been many things I have lost along the way. I know the things that I have lost were meant for me to lose. I know I have let go of things that no longer support my spiritual journey. I lost them so that I could make space for this new phase in my life.

Having my backpack stolen from me has been hard. I can’t lie and say that it has been easy. I can’t lie and say it isn’t painful. In reality, it is painful to have something stolen from you. It is scary to not have access to money as easily. It is painful and scary to be in a foreign country and only have a certain amount of money in your possession. It is scary because now I do not feel safe. I feel scared to leave my house for fear that it could happen again. I know that I am safe and that I am now more aware of my surroundings than I was before.

When my bag was stolen I was with someone. That made me feel safe. That made me feel like I could do anything. I am now in Costa Rica alone. I have people here yet they are not like the people I had in Chile. The people I had in Chile are special to me because they are on the same path as me. They know the work that I do because they do the same work. Not having these people with me now is hard. I know I can call them any time I need. I know they would be there for me. I want someone physically here with me. I do not want to be alone physically. I do not want to go to the store alone. I do not want to walk to the beach alone. I had no issues doing this before the Chile trip. Now, I am scared to do it.

I realize that this fear is not my true self. The fear is coming from a place that doesn’t want to let go of the person I thought I was. The fear is my old self trying to hold on. The fear is me trying to understand something that intellectually I can never understand. My spirit knows that everything is okay. My spirit knows everything I need to understand. My spirit knows what is about to happen next. My spirit knows the beauty that is fighting its way to the surface.

If I let this painful process of growing run its course, I will be closer to achieving my purpose in this life. Someone once told me that when a caterpillar is in the chrysalis, the caterpillar turns to slime before it turns into a butterfly. I had no idea that was what happened inside the chrysalis. As I am going through all the things I am going through I see that I am inside a chrysalis. I am melting down all the parts of me that are not me and becoming the person I really am.

For all of you out there going through a life change, know that you are never alone. Remember that there is a beautiful and amazing butterfly that will come from all the struggling and pain. Remember to flow with the emotions and feelings. Remember to breathe and stay connected to your heart. It may seem like you are going to die. I can tell you that you are only beginning to really live.

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