Why Do I Want Space?

When I was with my ex-fiance, he would hide things from me because he didn’t want to deal with my emotions on the situation. I used to get so angry because he would never give me the opportunity to change how I responded. I always used to say maybe I wouldn’t react the way I did if you told me before hand instead of waiting for me to find out. Give me the option to change how I respond. Trust that I would respond differently.

I never understood really why he did what he did. I may not lie or hid things like he did yet I do something else. I realized that I am taking space from someone I care about because I do not want to deal with their reactions or anger towards me when I am dealing with my emotions. It is easier for me to take space than to deal with the other person.

Let me explain…. Lately, I have been struggling with woman’s health issues. More than I ever have in my life. Something is telling me that this is due to not having a period for the last 7 years. I am on a birth control that doesn’t allow me to have a period. This morning I decided that I am getting off birth control for however long I feel I need too. This is a huge, huge deal for me. I do not like periods. I would rather have all the pain I have physically right now than to have a period. A part of me is fighting my soul to the death for me not to get off birth control. I am emotionally a mess. I feel scared. I feel like I am dying because the fight inside me is so strong. My soul wants me to have a period so I can release the negativity and toxins that are released when a woman has a period. My ego doesn’t want that to happen.

Since I am with this guy, he needs to know about me not being on birth control. It will change our relationship in many ways. I told him what was happening and asked what he thought. He didn’t respond. I asked him what he would think if I took space for a little. His response changed my whole thinking. He said “ what the F@#! Is happening to you? You need to run to the beach after work because your energies are out of control.” I decided to ask myself why do I need space.

Why do I need space? When I realized this my head exploded. I need space because of the same reason my ex fiancé hid or lied to me about things. It is easier to take space than to deal with the other person’s possible negative or angry response. I want to take space because I know what I am about to go through. What I am about to go through will be painful for me. I do not need someone acting angry or negative while I am dealing with what I am dealing with. It hit me how hard it was for my ex-fiance. I understand deeply what he struggled with.  I am now struggling with a similar thing.

I am not going to take space because I need to give him the option to grow as well. I need to give him the benefit of the doubt he will act different. I need to give him the option that I wanted and never got. I need to allow him in my life because as I go through this everyone else around me will be affected. I cannot take that opportunity away from someone because it’s easier for me. I want people to grow and become their best versions of themselves. In order for me to do that I need to allow them to choose for themselves what they want.

He is a great guy. He may say things that are negative or full of anger yet I know that they are not the real him. The real him is sweet, kind, and loving. I know this because I have had the chance to experience the sweet, kind, and loving part of him. I used to say similar things to my ex-fiance when I found out he lied or hid something from me. I wanted the opportunity to grow for myself and I never got that. I know that this guy would appreciate the same respect I craved.

 

 

 

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