Someone once told me that my life will not be understood until I pass away. People will not understand the way I live my life until after I am dead. I was told this about 2 years ago by a lady very dear to me that is no longer alive. Her name was Teresa. This lady was an absolutely amazing woman. She lived a full and happy life. This beautiful woman achieved many things in her lifetime. One thing she did was spend many years learning and understanding astrology.
Me, Teresa, and a few other friends from IHP were at the IHP cabin in New York not far from the Pennsylvania border. We had just finished a wonderful dinner that Teresa had prepared. Somehow we started talking about our birthdays and the astrology related to when we were born. Someone mentioned that Teresa could read our astrology map (I don’t know what it is actually called). A bunch of us wanted to know what our astrology said about us. We all pulled up our astrology maps so she could read them for us.
There were two things she said about mine that stuck out to me. One was my relationship with my father and people understanding me. I won’t go into what she said about my relationship with my father because that is something I have already understood and worked through. The one that I put on the back burner was people understanding me. I actually forgot about this until today.
I have always struggled with people understanding me. Even to this day, I feel that no one understands why and how I think. It is just something that I battle with all the time. It’s hard for me to explain certain things in my life. I don’t know how to make sense of the things that happen within me so that people understand. I understand me on a level that doesn’t have words to explain. This causes me to doubt myself in a lot of situations. I tell someone something and they get confused because I can’t explain it. It is hard to explain something that doesn’t have words. It is hard to explain something that my spirit knows that my head can’t comprehend.
I have been writing in a diary for a long time. I have been rereading them to see what has changed with me over the years. I realize that one day those writings will be turned into a book. I do not know if I will write the book before I die or someone else will write the book after I die. It will be written at some point. People may not understand me now yet when I am gone they will understand what my life was about and what I am spending my life doing.
I have been spending most of my time trying to get people to understand me, the way I understand me. This has caused a lot of issues in my relationships with people. They think that I am trying to change them when that’s not the truth. I am trying to get them to understand me the only way I know how. I understand me by understanding other people. I figure out the reasons behind why I do certain things from watching and observing other people. I use this as a way to try to get other people to understand me. I desperately want people to understand me. Well, my ego desperately wants people to understand me. My ego says “I can’t be truly loved unless people understand who I really am”. How can other people understand me if they don’t understand themselves? So, I try to get people to understand themselves so they can understand me. This pushes them away. Maybe, my life is about me understanding me. Why do I need to get people to understand me? What would life be like if I accepted that I am the only one who needs to understand me? How would this change my relationships with other people?
Wow, this is huge for me. I don’t know what else to say. Just, WOW! There is more for me to recognize with this. This is the beginning of a new and beautiful life for me. A life free from what stops me from living up to my full potential. More to come…