Justifying?

One of the things I struggle with is being able to keep my mouth shut about what I see in people. The more I go through and the more I grow. The more I see. It is hard to see what people put themselves through. It’s hard to see what I put myself through.

Lately, I have seen how different things affect my life. I hold on to resentment. Not as much as I used to yet I do. I hold on to other people’s anger and resentment too. It is interesting to see what happens. So many people don’t even see what is right in front of them. I am the same way. Recently, I noticed that I wasn’t doing what I needed too. I was taking medication to get rid of the symptoms instead of treating the cause. Some people get headaches, others insomnia. I however get intestinal issues.

When I am avoiding reality, I get intestinal issues. When I hold on to resentment, I get intestinal issues. I know exactly how to make the intestinal issues go away. I have to eat healthy, run or/and dance, and acknowledge my reality. Sometimes acknowledging my reality means letting go of something that is over. Sometimes it is letting go of what I see others are going through. I can’t help anyone other than myself. I can’t worry about what others are doing in their lives. I need to worry about what I am doing in my life. When I worry about others I start to listen to what they think I need. I also get lazy and slack on my own health. I know that I can’t have dairy and I know that I need to run. Sometimes when I am too worried about helping someone else, I eat dairy and don’t run. Then I get upset at everyone else ignoring their lives, when I am really ignoring mine.

I justify myself by saying things in my head. I may say “well I do my daily breathings and I lift weights. That’s good enough.” I know damn well that’s not good enough. If I slack in some areas, that gives room for me to slack more. That leads to a downward spiral that I don’t want to go down. I let myself go down this road for the last three weeks. It took me pain and unanswered doctor’s visits to see what was happening. I now have a lot of work to do to get me to where I want to be.

I found that I had been listening to other people’s advice instead of listening to what my body needs. Other people say “You need surgery.” or ” You need this medicine.” I don’t need those things. I need to change my diet, exercise, and breathe. So many people put themselves through things that are harmful for them because they don’t want to see reality for what it is. Why would I take their advice? I would because I don’t want to face reality as it is. So, why not listen to the advice of avoidance pros.

As much as I want to say I am in a bad place, I know that I am in the perfect place. It’s neither good nor bad. It is where I need to be in this moment. I am happy. I will struggle with many things over the next few weeks while I am getting myself physically and mentally to a better place. I am ready for it. Sometimes a Phoenix must burn in order to be reborn. They never die.

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