I probably will never give this to you. I need to put it out into the universe. Almost a week ago I told you I couldn’t speak to you while you have whatever relationship you have with your ex-wife. That was a hard thing for me to do. I want to meet your mom and abuelo. I feel connected to your mom which i don’t understand at all because I have never meet her. I feel connected to her like i do my own mom. I know i have a lot to learn from her. I hope she arrived safely (i think she came today). I want to message you right now. I really do. that is why I am writing this.
The last week has been hard for me. I am having to deal with my own defects. there have been consequences for this. People who I thought were my friends are now mad at me. Which i understand. One of them left me in a bar at 1 am because he couldn’t handle my honesty. i handled getting home like a pro so i am okay. Another friend, I told them I cant talk to them any more because of a similar reason to you. (He lives in the states) He is married and acts a way with me that isn’t good even if he is going through a divorce.He threw a huge fit and said i was a horrible friend. The reason I bring this up is because both of them got super angry with me for correcting a mistake I made. I have to stay true to myself and to my morals. I realized something in that….you are a great friend. you maybe upset at me i know this. What I love is that you haven’t taken that out on me. you just let me be. This is beautiful. I am so proud of you. Before you would show me your anger or sadness by saying some negative things when I stood up for myself. You didn’t do that this time. You’re letting me do me. your letting me find myself. I hope you see how far you have come. I hope you see what you do for me. How you help me. How you are making small changes with your words and actions that affect me positively. I love you.
I am about to go on a journey of really finding myself. i am terrified because I have to do this alone. It is going to be really hard for me. I am excited at the same time to go down this path. When you told me your ex was helping you pay for you mom and abuelo to come here. I got jealous. I wanted to be able to do that for you. I wanted to provide that for you. Now, after realizing that i need to fight for myself I don’t want to be able to do that. here is why…
I am in debt $1000 from medical bills and my Chile trip. With the salary from Educarte, I can’t pay any of that bill off. I also can’t afford my insurance premiums. And the hardest thing is not being able to pay for my IHP dues. i will lose access to things that i need from IHP. I haven’t always been the best with money. Jon has had to bail me out a few times in the last 6 years. I was actually afraid to leave him because of this. I knew that i would mess up with money and have no one to help me. i didn’t want to leave jon because i would lose an easy way out when i messed up with money. i would have to do it alone. i am there. i am at the point where i cant ask for help. i have to do this. i have to fight to make money so i can pay my debt and IHP dues. IHP means the world to me. i can’t lose it. I do however know that this is apart of my work. i have to find myself out there. i am not supposed to teach online or anything for a long period of time. I am supposed to write my book and make money off my blog and the photos i take. This is testing me in ways that i am scared of. i am ready for it because i need to fulfill my purpose. That is to change the world. If people give me money i can’t change the world. I need to “work” for it. i need to appreciate money and what i do. i can’t do that if people hand me money. I need to feel what it is like to fight for something i want so bad. I want access to IHP. I want freedom from relying on people. In order to have that i need to put myself out there and really make my blog take off. I need to do what i am supposed to do and not take the easy way out.
Thank you for showing me this. Thank you for giving me the strength and power to make this happen. Thank you for your patience and love. Thank you for changing yourself. Thank you for following your own path and not the path others tell you to take. You inspire me to be the best i can possibly be. I couldn’t do this without you. I will talk to you soon. Enjoy your mom and abuelo being here. Know that i am with you and them energetically.