This weekend was a tough weekend for me. I went to a place mentally that I have been in a long time. Many of you know that I recently went off birth control. I went off birth control because I needed to experience my monthly cycles, which I had not experienced in over 7 years.
This is my 5th period since I stopped taking birth control. The first 4 periods were not that emotionally and hormonally tough. My thoughts were not the best and I cried. This time it was not like that. My thoughts were out of control. I cried, screamed, and wasn’t here mentally. I think some of that has to do with a few things.
First, the doctor told me that I could have endometriosis. The symptoms and my family history leads him to think it could be something I have. The doctors told me to watch my period as I had them. I needed to notice pain and other symptoms to see. The pain and symptoms have started to increase slowly. This weekend the pain was horrible. I could not get out of bed for the first 24 hours. I had a headache that caused me to just sleep. I had stomach cramps that made me want to vomit. I had to change my tampons every 2 hours. My breast have felt like balloons. Some of these symptoms have subsided slightly so I can function. Two things haven’t gone away. I do not want to be touched and I do not want to be around people. My body feels very foreign to me. I don’t feel like my body is a part of me. I feel alien to my body. I need to go back to the doctors to get more tests done for a definitive answer on whether or not I have endometriosis.
Second, my period was late. Since I have a boyfriend and I am not on birth control, this had me stressed in ways I have never been stressed before. We use protection. We also only had sex based on my cycle. There were times I knew I was at a higher chance of pregnancy so we abstained from sex during that time. Neither of us want children right now (he has 3 already). We had to have a conversation about what would happen if I never started my period. This was not easy for either of us. It was harder on me because I am not ready for children. This would leave me to figuring out what I would actually do if I was. I didn’t want to have to think about that. This added stress to body. I used the stress relieving techniques I normally use. And they helped until my period actually started.
There two factors, really had a huge impact on my emotional state this weekend. I started my period Friday morning. By Saturday morning, I was a complete mess. I pushed Jonathan away completely. I told him things that I didn’t really believe. I said things that I know were hurtful to him. I know I was a (excuse my language) a bitch. I went couldn’t think. I couldn’t process anything. I tried speaking to my mom and that helped me see certain things I need to work on. Yet, it didn’t help with the emotionally feelings I was having. I lost it. I was completely unconscious of what was happening. I was screaming, crying, and thinking things like I had no control over myself.
It makes me sad that I went there. I thought I had moved past that part of me. I realize that I still have work to do. I was going to go back on birth control in November. After this, I am not sure that is the best thing for me to do. I want to be able to work through these times without the help of drugs. I want to be able to feel my body and my emotions. So that, if I ever do get pregnant, I am prepared for the hormonal and emotional changes that take place during and after the pregnancy. I do not want to go to the place I was at yesterday while I have a child I need to be there for.
I am not planning on having a child any time soon. For everyone, that knows me well, knows that I don’t want a child until I am 37. Why that age? I don’t know. It is just an age that stood out to me to have a child. I have some work I want to do with myself before I have a child. And age 37 seemed like the right amount of time.
After this whirlwind of a weekend, I am okay. I remember that I am not dying. I am not going crazy. I am burning. I am burning to ashes. And it’s okay. Because I am a Phoenix.
If you’re a woman who goes through emotions and things similar to me during their period, know that you are not alone. There are others out there that experience similar things to you. Stay strong because we are strong and powerful. We can overcome the emotions and hormonal changes.
For all the men who have a woman that deals with this, know that it is hard for them. Love them, support them, and let them know they are strong. Do something to help make their life easier during a stressful time. It’s not easy for us and sometimes we aren’t ourselves.