Recently, the doctors told me that I have endometriosis. When I was in the states I could complain to my doctors about the pain I would have during my period and in other situations. They just had me on a type of birth control that didn’t allow me to have a period. This helped my pain tremendously. I didn’t know why I had the pain and the other symptoms. They couldn’t provide me with answers. I have been dealing with this since I was 14 years old.
As I have told you in previous posts, I am no longer on birth control. I decided not to use birth control so I can full feel and understand my body. With this comes so many questions and feelings. The last two months have been the worst. Between the pain and the emotional lows, I started to feel crazy. A few days ago, I decided to reach out to other people who have endometriosis. This has allowed me to not feel alone and isolated to some extent. I found out that my emotional downs are related to the hormonal imbalance and pain.
Some days are amazing, and some days are dreadful. And sometimes it is both. Today is one of those days where it is both. The day started off great. As the day went on the harder it got. Currently, I feel as though my body is betraying me. I feel as though I am being punished for something. I feel that I don’t deserve anything good because of this. This isn’t reality. It is my emotions and hormones “talking”.
I still need to get more testing done to figure out how severe it is and what treatment option is best for me. All of this is overwhelming for me. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want to be around people. I just want my body to be normal. I know that I can work through this because I have worked through much harder things. I know that this will help me with my life’s purpose. It still doesn’t make it any easier. I still have to feel and be with the emotions and pain.
One thing, I have learned over the last few months is that I need to be there for me. I need to still love myself the best way I can even if I am in a low place. This is my life to live and I need to make the most of it no matter what life throws at me. This is here to show me something amazing about myself. I am a Phoenix burning again, only to rise from the ashes.
For all of you out there that have endo or some type of internal issue know that you are not alone. Know that there is more to life than the pain. Give yourself credit and love. Give yourself space to deal with the emotions. It is hard living with something that will never go away and affects your life on every level. You are warriors. You are strength. I will post about my experiences, success and failures. You all keep me pushing and fighting. Thank you.