Sometimes life throws you curve balls. What do you do with them? Catch them and throw them back. I have been using CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to help me with my thoughts. It has been really helping. Lately, I have had some experiences with my boyfriend that have caused me to have to breathe and really think about my thoughts. The app I have been using has been great for this. I record different thoughts I have, good and bad. I write my feelings as well. It has been great to see where the different thoughts come from and how to transform them into better thoughts.
This all started about a week ago. Last Wednesday, Jonathan told me that his ex was not going to let us see the children without her. He was very upset about this. I haven’t seen him this mad. He didn’t want to pay child support if she won’t let him have access to his rights. Costa Rican child support laws are very strict. If he doesn’t pay for two consecutive months, he would go straight to jail. He is frustrated with her because she uses the kids against him when she isn’t happy about something. We talked about the topic for most of the day trying to find a solution. We don’t have a solution for right now. He has a plan and set of steps he should take. It is very emotional for him when dealing with her because he wants to see his children. He wants to be able to use the rights he has a father and she makes it very hard for him to do that. I do my best not to overreact. I do my best to support him and help him see alternative ways to get through stuff, like he does with me.
The next day, Jonathan was not responding to my messages during the day like he normally does. I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. I gave him his space and focused on my work. Once worked ended, I asked him how his day was. His response was that it wasn’t good. His last day of work will be the next day and his ex was creating problems again. He told me, we would talk about it in the evening. At this point, I had so many questions. I didn’t know what happened or why. I didn’t know what he was going to do and how this would affect us. It is the rainy season and work is slow around here. I knew I wasn’t going to see or talk to him much for the next 4 hours which was really hard for me. My thoughts wanted to go crazy. I pulled the app out and started doing some of the exercises and thought journaling. It helped as much as it could.
When Jonathan arrived, he started to tell me about why he lost his job and what the situation was. I understood that his boss, my landlord, didn’t have the materials for Jonathan to finish building the house. Since he lived on the property of the house he was building, he needed to leave. He has no family or anyone around here so he moved in with me, temporarily. Which was a hard decision for me because I have come to like my space. I like being alone. We talked about my fears and concerns. One of the biggest things I struggled with was, we would be living in the same room as my home is a studio apartment. I need nights where I sleep alone without anyone with me. I can handle about 4 days then I need my room to myself. We didn’t officially decide another until 2 days later.
His ex was talking about how she loves him and misses him. She also got his mother’s number and was calling her. He didn’t like the things she was saying. She plays many games that Jonathan doesn’t understand. She has done thing like this in the past. We are working on getting through situations with her differently than he has in the past. This day was hard for me. I had enough for one day. I got angry at her for the first time. I was tired and irritated. I went running and screamed to let some of the anger out. He let me vent and cry. He understood how irritating it can be so he was patient with me.
One thing that I love about being with him even with all the drama and changes is that he makes it easy. He and I have a harmony, I have never experienced in this way. I don’t know how to put it into words. He respects me and my space so much so that he built a curtain wall around the couch. (see photo below) He did this so I could have my own space. Yes, I can hear him and he can hear me. Yes, it is just a curtain and not a wall. Yet, the thought he put into taking the time to do that made me cry. I was at work when he sent me the photo of his tiny bedroom. I had to hold back tears of joy. I don’t know many men that would do that so a woman could have her space. It blew me away. This is only one small and huge thing that I admire about this man. This is harmony. This is respect. This is what makes it easy to love him. I am currently writing this as he is asleep in his curtained off room. He makes me smile.
Keep searching for the perfect person. You will know when that person is in your life because even when things are hard and you feel like giving up, they will make it feel easier. One way to attract this into your life is to grow yourself. Keep fighting for your freedom and your respect. Figure out what respect should really look like and how it should feel. Attention doesn’t feel the same as respect and love. I still don’t know what respect looks like 100% and that is okay. I learn every day what it looks like. Find someone who will make a little room from curtains just to give you space.
Life is not always easy, it is worth living. Never give up. Life gives you exactly what you need, when you need it. I am here to share my story in hopes it will inspire change and awakening with whomever is ready to receive the messages, I do my best to share. It is hard for me to put into words the things I go through. I do my best because even if I impact one person that is enough for me. I know how inspirational others are to me, I want to be the same for others.