Remembering the Phoenix Inside

Have you ever made decisions in your life that took you to a place you’ve never been? Everyone has at some point in their life. That is what the last two years have been like for me. One decision after another that is a life-changer. The biggest one being moving my life to Costa Rica. 

Sometimes I look back at what I had before I made the move and I miss it. I miss my SUV. I miss the comforts of the US. I miss my friends. I miss IHP. I miss my family. I wonder what life would be like today if I had stayed in the States. 

Would I be the same person I am today? 

I don’t think I would be the same person I am today. Making the move started something in me that has gone away. Writing and working toward a self-love coaching business has grown into something I never had imagined when I started writing 2 years ago. If I had stayed, I wouldn’t have this amazing blog. If I had stayed, I wouldn’t have Nina. If I had stayed, I would still be living to survive. 

I am not always happy. I don’t always want to get out of bed in the morning. And I sure as hell don’t have the energy I had when I first moved here. I doubt my decisions (even though I would never change them if I had the chance). Life isn’t always sunshine and roses. There are so many people out there on their blogs that make life seem grand and wonderous all the time. I can’t do that because it would be a lie. The life we live is full of ups and downs. If we aren’t honest about the downs, how can we appreciate the ups? 

I don’t want to fool anyone.

This blog is about being honest with oneself. If I want to show you how to be honest with oneself, I have to do that too. I have to admit the mistakes I make. I have shared the downs in the past and will continue to do so because it is the truth. Even though I live in paradise, it isn’t always easy. 

I love living here and it is amazing in so many ways. I have beaches and it’s hot all the time. There is so much to explore and so many amazing people to meet. Volunteering opportunities are all around me. It is paradise here.

Paradise doesn’t equal happiness.

My outer world is full of amazing and wonderful opportunities. I have a wonderful dog that protects and loves me in ways I never imagined. I have a few close friends that allow me to be me and still love me no matter what. I have family that is here for me whenever I need them. My family and I talk on the phone often sharing what happens in life. Life is so fulfilling on the outside. On the outside, I live in paradise. 

One the inside, I am struggling. I am fighting demons that don’t want me to grow and live the life I know I can have. Fighting the thoughts of not being good enough are happening within me. I am battling constant headaches that keep me in bed most days. It’s hard to let people in because of the feelings I have inside. I wonder where it all came from. I haven’t felt this way in a few years. Even though, I struggled when I got to Costa Rica my internal self was strong. It doesn’t feel that way now.

Remembering the Phoenix inside

Last year, I hit a place in my life I never thought I would happen. That day I knew I needed a reminder that I can make it to where I want to be because how I felt that day wouldn’t last forever. I knew that I would have to burn to ashes again and again. I would have to work through more demons and thoughts. So, I got my Phoenix tattoo. 

It is visible. It is right where I need it to be. Every day when I wake up I see it. I am reminded that I will rise again, but for now, I need to fight and burn what I think I am to the ground. This will allow me to be reborn into the beautiful and amazing person I know I am deep inside. 

I am right where I need to be. Even though I miss aspects of my past, I do love my present. I love Nina, my friends, and family. 

In the struggle, I still have me.

In this struggle, I still have me. I am still amazed at the person I am today. Who I have become in the last two years hasn’t been for nothing. It has become a stepping stone for me to continue to grow into the wonderful woman I know I am.

The thoughts of feeling worthless and not good enough keep me pushing to achieve the next level of amazement. I don’t know when that will happen and it is okay that I don’t know. I am figuring out how much I am worth it. The struggle is allowing me to grow. It is creating self-love so deep that I am unstoppable. 

Self-love is important.

I wouldn’t be able to fight the way I do if I didn’t have the self-love I have. For all of you out there fighting an inner battle, know that self-love will be the foundation that will keep you standing tall. Great self-love mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually are key to winning the battle. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I didn’t show myself the love I do every day.

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