Category: Stories

It all started with… Self Love

For most of my childhood into my teenage years, I thought that I was an extrovert. I craved attention and was always the life of the party. I would do random stuff like play pocket twister in the middle of the mall with my friends. I was never happy. It seemed right. It seemed as though I was living the perfect life. 

When I was married, my then husband and I would go out drinking having fun. I had so many friends. On my wedding day, I had bridesmaids that were my best friends. You know, living life. All while I was dying inside. I had no idea what I needed and I never took care of myself the way I do now. 

After my divorce, I started to dig deeper within myself. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to take control of my life. All those bridesmaids I had disappeared (except my sister). Two of which I had been friends with for 20 years. 

Seriously, I lost everything. My marriage, my friends, and life as I knew it. I was devastated. Not because I lost everything, but because I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

I had to figure out how to give myself love. I had to find who I truly was deep inside. 

It all started with… Self Love.

I started giving myself love in small ways, like getting my nails done when I was having a hard time. I was learning how to truly love myself. I was not always the cleanest person, so I started making sure my care was clean and my house was clean. I started making sure I was eating healthier foods. So many little things I never did to love my body and my mind. 

After a time, that self-love grew deeper. I began to forgive my family and myself. I let go of what happened in my marriage. I owned my mistakes and put myself in his shoes. I came to peace with many aspects of my childhood. 

I acknowledged that fact that I am not an extrovert. Deep inside, I am an introvert. I crave my alone time. I NEED the space to feel my emotions and process my thoughts. I HAD to learn to be who I truly am. 

Being an introvert is different than an extrovert.

Extroverts need to be around people to recharge and feel fulfilled. Introverts need time away from people to be with themselves. The self-love for each type is so different. Introverts like me need to go on dates with themselves. While extroverts need to go out an socialize. 

Self-love is as hard as it is. Giving yourself the wrong type of self-love can be damaging to your entire life. It took me years to figure this out. I actually figured this out when I took the Myer’s Briggs personality test in College. 

The test told me I was an INFJ. The “I” stands for an introvert. 

I was shocked and blown away by this. I didn’t want to believe it. I thought I was an extrovert my entire life. After some thinking and manifesting, this changed the way I saw myself, which changed my life.

I think all the self-love I was doing before I took that test was preparing me for the shift I needed with my mind. I knew in my heart for so many years that I wasn’t an extrovert. When I began to give myself love, I began to see things differently. So, after the test results, life made sense. Everything was complete. My mind, body, and soul where one. 

I knew who I was at that moment.

I found my true self. The work didn’t stop there though. I am still working on the self-love because self-love is a never-ending process. I am learning new ways to show myself love for my personality type and for my needs. 

If we can’t love ourselves truly, we can’t love others truly. 

It all starts with… Self Love!!

Revolver and the EGO

Revolver is one of my favorite movies. I gave a brief description of it a few months ago in a post. You can read it here. The reason I decided to do a more in-depth post is because of one scene.

**If you haven’t seen the movie I wouldn’t read any further.**

As you all know, the movie is about the EGO. That voice in your head that tells you what to do and when to do it. It tells you how you feel and what makes you mad. It runs your life and we think it is helping us.

Revolver does a great job of explaining what the ego does and how it stops us. The movie takes you from the withdrawal of starting to make changes in your life to the end where you know that the ego isn’t you.

The ego takes on so many different types of faces. The movie shows you so many manifestations of this. I only want to talk about one in particular.

The Elevator Scene

Towards the end of the movie, Jake Green goes to confront Macha. Macha is asleep when Green goes into his bedroom. He has a gun and is ready to shot him. Jake stands there with the gun in his hand and his ego going mad. He has a conversation with his ego. His ego wants him to kill Macha. The ego uses everything against him to try to get him to kill Macha. It is a huge fight within himself. He doesn’t know what is right or wrong.

In the end, Green apologizes to Macha, kneels on the end of the bed. He tells Macha he is a man to be feared and respected. Jake acknowledges his stupidity and asks him to forgive him. He walks away.

After he leaves the bedroom, he walks to the elevator and gets on.  His biggest fear is the elevator. He hates closed spaces.

Watch this video from youtube to see the struggle between Green and his ego. It is the perfect representation of the ego.

He defeated his ego by apologizing. His ego knows he is about to lose the battle to gain control of his life. His Ego wants Green to stay angry and obsessed with money and power. The ego wants him to feel weak and helpless.

The narrator, tells us “the greatest con that he ever pulled, was making him believe that he is you.” Jake is calm and collected on the outside. He is no longer bothered by the childish fit his ego is pulling on the inside.

Jake realizes he controls the ego no the other way around. He has found himself. He is no longer tied to money, power, and greed.

This is such an amazing portrayal of what happens when we start taking control of ourselves fully. We let the ego know, it no longer controls us. The ego goes mad and does what it can to keep you the way you are. It doesn’t want you to grow.

Why this scene is important

This is something that everyone can relate too. We all have this fight within ourselves between the ego and our true self. It shows us the ego in a way that you can’t forget. Pretty much any negative emotion that arises is the ego trying to take control.

I know for me, when I am going through times of growth this is stronger and more powerful than most. It comes up when I am angry or jealous. It comes up when I want to get revenge or be an ass to someone because they did something to me.

Recently, this fight with my ego is intense. I am learning to be powerful and brave. My ego tells me I am not worthy. It says I am no good enough for many things. It says I deserve the life I have and nothing more.

I know this isn’t true. I know that I can have a better life than the one I have now. I figured this out long ago when I fought to become the person I am today.

Like I said in a previous post, personal development is a lifelong commitment. If you grow past one thing, there is always something deeper to discover. Keep fighting the ego and listen to your true self. It is there and it will guide the way to greatness. Love yourself, and manifest a mindset shift, and become superwoman (or superman)!

Living in Paradise

Life in Paradise is full of ups and downs. It, however, is so worth it. There is less stress and anxiety. Living in Costa Rica has been a life changer for me. There are so many new things to learn and explore.

Living in Paradise is AMAZING!

My piece of paradise here in Costa Rica is Pura Vida, which translates to Pure Life. It really is a pure life. As I write this article, I am standing in a pool with a gorgeous view of Tamarindo Bay. I have my new MacBook Air, a smoothie, and some great food. My hair is wet and my skin is tan. It is a blessing to be able to do this whenever I want.

Me working on the blog while relaxing in the pool
Me working on the blog while relaxing in the pool

Since my apartment doesn’t have a pool, I can go to a local hotel, pay some money, and swim all afternoon. Enjoying the amenities the hotel has to offer. This one is the Best Western Tamarindo. They have a wonderful restaurant, pool, and view. All I have to do to enjoy all of that is buy $10 worth of food. I think it’s worth it.

The view from the Best Western in Tamarindo. Amazing trees and beach in the distance
The view from the Best Western in Tamarindo

I love being able to enjoy a day out and get some work done for the website. It is cheap and great to try something new. When people come to visit, I can recommend a great place to relax or stay.

It is difficult to get depressed.

I struggled with getting vitamin D in Maryland in the winter time. I often got depressed during that time of year. It was always hard to stay active. I hated going outside because it was so cold and often dark. The days were shorter. It was a fight to stay happy.

Here, it is very different. Since the sun is always shining, I am constantly getting more than enough vitamin D. Even in the rainy season, I am still happy and upbeat. The temperature doesn’t get below 65 degrees Fahrenheit and the days are always the same length. 12 hour days every day, all year long. The sun comes up at 5:30 am and goes down at 5:30 pm. Sometimes it varies by half an hour.  

I mean, how can you get depressed when you live in this amazing place? I know I can’t

Nature is everywhere!

When I mean nature is everywhere…. I mean EVERYWHERE! I get scorpions in my house. I know people who get snakes and tarantulas in their houses. Thank goodness it hasn’t happened to me. There always birds flying around. You can hear the monkey’s howling in the distance. Roosters, chickens, and cows walking across the street or nibbling on the grass. No matter where you go, you will find some amazing sights to see.

An iguana chilling in the tree
An iguana chilling in the tree

You have National Parks, protected wildlife areas, and of course the beach. It is super amazing to be so close to nature all day, every day.

Life is Pura Vida

Once you visit here, you begin to understand the Pura Vida life. It is one of tranquility and peace. I can’t lie. Life is not always easy. It has its “downs”. I have some debt from the changes with my blog. The students in my class are a rough bunch of kids. I don’t have the perfect relationship with the man I love.

This doesn’t stop me because Costa Rica has taught me to live a Pura Vida life. I keep pushing to achieve my dreams. I experience new things to broaden my mind. I breathe and focus on manifesting my dreams. Little by little my life changes for the better.  You have to have the downs to know what the good is.

Mindset Shift

a coin on the ground

A few years ago, some friends of mine were walking on the beach with me. One of them bent down to pick up a coin off the ground. She told me that she picks up the money she sees because if she doesn’t she won’t have good luck with money. If she doesn’t pick one up, the money won’t come to her again.

Since then, I pick up every coin I see on the ground. Sometimes I find 100 colones and sometimes I find 10 colones. One time, I found $1 worth of colones on the ground.

Until recently, I never missed a coin. I started to question what she said, just slightly.

Everything has energy, right?

Yea, it does. Every time you touch something (or walk into a place), you leave energy and you pick up the energy that was there before. Some energy is better than others. So, this got me thinking…

What if the coin I was picking up had negative energy? Like the person was bad with money and they lost the money due to a negative mindset around money.

Right, so?

What if I pick up that money and now have that bad luck with money?

I choose to risk this and find out. There were a few times where I saw some money and decided not to pick it up depending on how the money “felt”. I was walking in Huacas and I saw some money on the ground. I looked at the money and thought about picking it up. I choose not to because I didn’t feel right.

Two days later, I found more money in the parking lot of the Maxi Pali. I did the same. I felt it and thought about picking it up. This time I did because I felt it was right.

Then a few days later, someone gave me money to help with my monthly bills. I don’t know what would have happened if I had picked up that first coin, but I am willing to leave money that doesn’t feel right. I would rather have little money than have money that is tainted in some way.

This can be applied to relationships and everything else in our lives.

Just because a relationship seems promising or it has something you really like, doesn’t mean you need to “keep” it. People carry energy just like money. If someone is dealing with something in their lives, it doesn’t mean you need to be with them all the time. Occasionally, they need space to be with their thoughts, to deal with themselves.

If you don’t shift your mindset, you will keep getting the same things.

What to do on Rainy Days

It seems like October Weather in Costa Rica came a bit early this year. It has been raining PRETTY MUCH ALL DAY for 2 weeks. This normally doesn’t happen in May. Right now, we should be having rainy nights, not rain ALL DAY!

When it rains all day, you can’t go to the beach. Since most of what you can do is outdoors in Costa Rica, I had to find ways to keep myself busy while having fun indoors. I wanted to share this with you because these can happen during snow days, rainy days, or really any day you want to spend inside.

Play Cards

Since I collect cards, this is one of my favorite things to do on a rainy day. There are so many card games you could play. Here are my favorite games to play. Click on each

King’s Corners

Rummy

Crazy Eights

Egyptian Rat Screw

UNO with cards

Bake Something

I always get the craving for something sweet when it rains. I have a few go to recipes for desserts I use when it rains. Not only am I able to listen to music and make a mess, I get an amazing hot treat. Here are my top recipes.

PopTarts

I do make these a little differently than the recipe. I don’t actually make the rhubarb and strawberry compote. I just use strawberry jam. It comes out great and it’s a bit easier to do.

Brownies

Since I always have nesquick chocolate powder mix for hot chocolate. It’s simple and so delicious!

Peanut Butter Cookies

I have been making these since I was a kid. They are simple, easy, and soooo good!

Read a Book

I am sure there is a book you have always wanted to read. Why not take a rainy day to knock that book off your list? Curl up on the couch or in your bed with a cup of tea or hot chocolate, and enjoy a good book. I have a list of books that you could choose from if you need some help.

JUST DANCE!

Just DANCE! Even if you don’t have an Xbox, you can still enjoy a great workout and fun time doing just dance. I use these in my classroom for rainy days. The kids and I both love it. Head to youtube and find a song that moves you! Here’s a list of my favorites.

Timber

Starships

Dynamite

Animal

Where have you been

That Power

Other Ideas

There are so many things you can do at home on a rainy day. Draw and color a picture. Organize messy areas of your house. Paint. Have a deep conversation with a friend. Write a letter to someone special. Pillow fights. JUST HAVE FUN!

Learning a New Language

cloud forest bridge that says "Me encanta Costa Rica"

Yesterday, it hit me. I noticed how far I have come with learning Spanish. I called Jonathan because my messages weren’t going through. We had a good 5-minute conversation, IN SPANISH!! Also, I was able to tell a parent what I needed them to know IN SPANISH!

10 month ago, we couldn’t do that. I knew a few words in Spanish, but I had difficulty understanding him on the phone. I had no issues yesterday. IT WAS AMAZING!

I am just blown away with how much Spanish I know now.

When I moved here, I knew I would learn Spanish. I had doubts at how long that would take. I struggle with dyslexia and failed Spanish in High School. Being fluent in Spanish seemed like it would take many years. While I am not fluent, I am able to communicate what I need on a daily basis now.

I learned the most from being around Jonathan. Since we spend the most time together, it forced me to learn his language. At school and around town there are many people who speak English. This kept me from using Spanish more often.

For some people, taking Spanish lessons is the best way for them to learn a new language. For me, it is trial and error. Memorizing different types of words and phrases is monotonous. I am more of a visual person. Writing and reading different types of text helps me speak the language more.

I write and read text messages in Spanish to Jonathan daily. I watch Netflix with Spanish subtitles. Lastly, I read menus and paperwork at school. I am able to visually see the words in my head before speaking.

There is still a lot of learning to do with vocabulary and grammar. I am learning new vocabulary every day. Yesterday, I learned what dragonfly was, libélula and tell him, dile. My Spanish is not grammatically correct and I am okay with that. I am still learning. The most important thing is practice even if it is not always correct or perfect.

Learning a new language is difficult, but it can be done. Allow yourself to breathe. Figure out how you learn best. Some learn best in classes and some learn best by trial and error. Give yourself love and celebrate the achievements you make, even if it is a small one.

Being an Empath and a Woman

Being a Woman

Being a woman and an Empath is hard. There are so many things that affect us in ways that some people can’t imagine. We have a monthly cycle that changes every month. One month you are fine and perfect, the next you are an emotional wreck about to break. You feel like the world is going to end. Or you feel like the world is yours to own.

There is no stopping it because it’s there. It’s who we are as women. We have the ability to create life and this comes with emotional and hormonal changes that we need. We have this ability to feel and understand emotions. It is a hard job. We are the creators of life that is why there is a Woman’s Day. A day to celebrate the beauty, depth, and amazement of a woman.

Being an Empath

We feel everything deeply. We sense peoples energies and emotions as our own. We go so deep that we may not know if it is us or the world. We want to hide when the energies around us overwhelm us. Life seems so big that we question what it is. We have to question life. We have to question emotions, feeling, and energies.

An empath has to take time to be alone to process what they are feeling inside. It is not an easy life to live not knowing if what they feel is them or the outside world.

An Empath Woman

Now, put those two things together and you get crazy. Inside we feel crazy. Like there is something seriously wrong with us. We don’t understand why we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders.

If they both fall at the same time of the month, you can have an explosion of energy and depth. Sometimes too deep for us to handle. It makes you wonder… why do we have so much power that we can’t handle?

We create life and we also feel all the life we create. That can be overwhelming to any person. Woman are made to handle this depth that is why we can go through so much pain during child birth. We are strong, resilient, and loving. We have the power to create something so profound and deep within our bodies, not just physically, but spiritually as well. It is all about learning how to be with the depth and profound within us.

Blessing or Curse

People want to say it is a blessing and a curse. The only way to see it is as a blessing. We may lose friends and have people who don’t understand us, but we have a depth so deep that only few can comprehend. That is a blessing because you won’t find fake, lazy, or shallow people lasting long in our life. We may be alone and we may feel unheard. And IT IS OKAY because we have ourselves. As an Empath, having yourself is the most important thing.

There are many people who lose themselves in search of what we were born with. We are clear on what our path is. We are clear on what our life means to us whether people understand or not. People call us UNSTOPPABLE because nothing can stop us from finding the real, the truth, and the deep.

Being an Empath and a Woman is tough and it is well worth it because you feel and see what no one else can. Breathe through the hard times. Believe during deep times. Be you all the time.

Free Will or Fate

** Spoiler alert! if you haven’t seen the movie don’t read any further**

Ever wonder why certain things happen in life. You meet people who you have an amazing connection with, but nothing happens? It feels as though something keeps you apart time after time. You feel helpless because there is nothing you can do about it. It is like the universe keeps putting obstacles in your way so you can be friends or lovers.

I recently watched The Adjustment Bureau, and it made me think.

Does this really happen in life? Are their people you are destined to be with at one point in your life: then the story changes and you aren’t together anymore, but the connection is there?

About the movie

Matt Damon, the actor that plays the lead character, meets this girl in the bathroom before he gives a speech. They instantly feel a connection. He thinks about her all the time. Damon gets her number and plans to call her. The “adjustment bureau” takes the number away saying he can never see her again.

He ignores this and takes the same bus every day for 3 years, hoping he would run into her again. Out of luck, they meet again. This time he doesn’t want to lose her. He knows that the bureau is out to keep them apart, and fights.

You find out that they were destined to be together in the past. The story changed and she was meant to marry someone else. The connection never ended. They still feel drawn to each other.

Matt Damon can’t deny the connection and does everything he can to fight the bureau. A bureau member helps him, and the girl breaks the story. They wind up living a good life together in the end.

Free Will or Fate

At the end of the movie, one of the men from the adjustment bureau states, “Most people live life on the path we set for them. Too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along and knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize free will is a gift, you’ll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that’s The Chairman’s real plan. And maybe, one day, we won’t write the plan. You will.”

If we fight hard enough to break the path set for us, can we really have a new plan? Does life really work that way? If there are people who are completely connected, can you really fight hard enough to be with them?

I ABSOLUTELY think this is true. I believe that if you are purely and deeply connected together with someone, you can fight to be with them. It won’t be easy because every obstacle will be put in the way of stopping it from happening.

Yet, it can be done.

That’s where the F*@# YES deeper comes in to play. You have to want it bad enough to change it. We have the power of free will, we don’t know how to use it because society and “the plan” tell us otherwise.

You will have to leave the comfortable.

Go against what you thought you knew,

Change your mindset and your way of living,

And MOST IMORTANTLY, you have to TRUST yourself.

Question life and don’t settle for mediocre.

If you want it, you have to make it happen. No one or thing should tell you that something isn’t real.

What if both people don’t fight?

This is the question I am still trying to figure out.

In the movie, Matt Damon fought with everything he had to make it happen. She didn’t. She also didn’t know what he knew. And in the end, they broke the story created for them and lived together.

It is a movie, and all the movies aren’t necessarily true. Is it possible? It is possible to change YOUR plan if YOU work for it. The other person has to work to change THEIR plan. We all have paths we CAN change with determination and growth. It doesn’t mean that the other person will fall into your new path. It is possible because ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

Work on you and change your path. See where the new path takes you.  Become the superwoman or man you have always dreamed of becoming. Break free of the cycles and find your own fate. Life the life you choose and see who and where that finds you.

What is connection, anyway?

Connection is the energy between people. When we feel a connection to someone it is the strong similar energy we feel. Energy doesn’t lie. Energy doesn’t disappear. It does transform and becomes something new.

If you change your life, your energy changes. It can transform that connection you had with someone else in ways you never could imagine.

Learn and use your free will to transform the energy. It is there and it is worth fighting for.

Our Planet: Real or CGI?

What it’s about?

I recently watched the Netflix Documentary, Our Planet. It was very informative and spectacular. I learned some things about the planet I didn’t know before. It was definitely well done. They spoke about every part of Our Planet, from the depths of the ocean to the driest of deserts. The documentary talked about the ways we affect different species of animals and the environments in which they live.

Some of the animals are losing their habit due to overfishing and global warming. Since the waters are warmer the glaciers are melting at a faster rate. Since it is hotter periods of rain are not happening as often as they need in certain areas of the world, causing animals to not have access to fresh water. Sharks are being hunted to make shark fin soup. Our biodiversity is not what it used to be.

Is it too real to be true?

As I watched the documentary, I thought to myself… THIS SEEMS TOO PERFECT! So, I googled “Our planet Real.” There are hundreds of articles questioning whether it was real or not. Netflix says “It took four years, planning, and perfect timing to make it happen.”

They had video of fish up close and personal. How did they get that close without scaring the fish away? How did they get a group of dolphins swimming in such a huge pod and they the different shots they had? I would understand if they had one position from above, but how did they get it from below, above, and up close without disrupting the animals in action?

They had a Siberian Tiger. Many shots of the Tiger. They said, “it is a rare occurrence to see them in the wild.” If this is true how did they get such perfect video? I know some of the shots of the Tiger were probably done with hidden cameras, but what are the odds they got that amazing perfect shot? They had a leopard as well. Its coat was so perfect, it looked unreal.

The birds are so up close how did they not fly away?

Can we believe what they say?

It is Netflix we are talking about. They are a big name corporation (that I love), but if they admitted to using CGI, would people trust their documentary? Do you think they would actually tell the truth about whether or no they used CGI, even if it is for one or two small portions?

I would still love the documentary even if it was part CGI. It is a beautiful way to show what Earth is like or could be like if we took care of it. It could be used as an inspiration for us to aspire too. I know, I would love to be on a boat and see a huge pod of dolphins a 100 strong rather than two or three dolphins.

My main point is, can we trust Netflix when they say; they didn’t use CGI at all? Can we just take their word for it? Where is the proof?

In a world of fake news, can we believe everything we see?  Can we believe everything people say?

F*@# Yes…. isn’t enough

I have written two posts on this topic in the past. I am learning a deeper meaning to that because sometimes F*@# yes isn’t enough. (At least for me)

Someone can do everything possible to be with you because you are exactly what they want. You can be a F*@# yes for someone and it is awesome. It does need to be a two-way street. If one person isn’t a fuck yes for the other, it can cause resentment and disappointment.

As you all know, Jonathan was a fuck yes for me, for a long time. Since we took the trip to Nicaragua things have changed. I love him and I care about him, but I need more. I am still a fuck yes for him, and he keeps doing everything he can to win me back. (Yes, we broke up about a month ago.) He is trying to feel energies. He is trying to have deeper conversations with me. And it just feels forced.

The energy I want isn’t there. I don’t feel the connection or understanding that I want. It is possible her could learn; I know that.

However, don’t want to wait because it is not a guaranteed thing to happen. We are still friends so if he accomplishes it I will know.

In the meantime, I need to stay true to myself. I have said this before…. I need to be a fuck yes for my needs and wants. If I did everything I could to make it work and still wasn’t happy with who I was becoming; it’s my responsibility to leave. Taking responsibility for myself is the main priority. I cannot lose myself just because I want something to work.

A F*@# YES isn’t enough for me because I need connection and depth. I need someone who asks questions and doesn’t give up until they find the answer. If I am stuck when I am writing, I want someone who can create a conversation to inspire me to write.

I had the fuck yes with Jonathan, but not the depth I want. Shortly after we got engaged, I wrote an article about taking marriage seriously. I talked about things I wasn’t sure about. With time, I knew the answers would come to me. And they did.

Again, don’t settle for something mediocre. Fight for what you want in every way. Whatever you want, find it. If I never get married because I didn’t find everything, I am okay with that. Just because society tells you what you need or want, doesn’t mean it is true.

Ask questions and find everything you want…. F*@# yes… can be more. Sometimes F*@# Yes isn’t enough.