You MUST love yourself FIRST!

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Hey Everybody,

Have you ever had negative energy you can’t seem to get rid of? Or thoughts that are so strong you think they are real?

I’ve been having that happen to me recently. I have been having a reaction to something that happened the other day. My ego can’t handle it for a few reasons. One reason is no one would love me enough to do that. Second, I am not good enough to be with so why would someone do that? These are thoughts I have been having since I was a child. They are always there and they try to destroy my relationships. They are back again in full force. They are trying to find every reason possible that I will get hurt and that I need to back off. Some of the reasons are not even real. They are happening because I am scared. I am vulnerable. My ego doesn’t like being vulnerable so it tries to close me off.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I could get hurt because I have expectations that I shouldn’t have. These expectations about the situation are what will get me hurt. I want things which is good it gives you some sense of purpose and at the same time if the other person doesn’t want those things either it can cause harm. My ego is telling me that I need this so therefore I should get it. That’s not the case. Yes, I do need things yet no one is entitled to give it to me except me. So if I put this expectation on someone else I no longer have control because it’s outside of me. I need to give it to myself.

People do love me enough and I am good enough. I know this because I have myself and I love myself. I won’t let myself go. I won’t let myself down. I am always here for me. Or at least I thought I was. I have a friend here with me. She has been here since Thursday. I have given myself space and I haven’t given myself enough space. I haven’t done my breathing. I haven’t exercised. I haven’t cried because I need to cry. I have been holding all my emotions in because my friend is here. This is not loving myself. This is not being there for myself. I have written and talked about what is going on. I haven’t taken the time to just be within myself. I haven’t given myself the space to let go of the emotions I am having. Doing this is one of the most important things for me to do. Crying and moving the emotions are things that I have to do or my thoughts run wild. I begin to think I am not good enough and no one loves me. This is because I am not loving myself. I am not there for myself to let myself know I am good enough.

Today I will give myself love and time. I will move the emotions. I will be here for myself because I have to be here for myself. No one else will be here for me except me. No one else knows exactly what I need except me. I am the only one who can figure out what is best for me. I can talk to people all day long and at the end of the day I am the only one I need to talk to. I am the only one that knows the answers to my questions. I am the only one who can give me the love that I need.

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Being Vulnerable

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There have been a lot of emotions racing through my body the last few days. I don’t understand them. I feel so many things at once. Some of the emotions contradict themselves. Why can you feel completely happy and completely mad at the same time? Why can you feel like you love someone and at the same time you don’t?

 

I told my fiancé that we needed a break last Thursday. It wasn’t what I was planning to do. It just happened. I have been feeling frustrated and angry with him for many reasons. Somethings are things that I need to work out on my own. Somethings are things he needs to work out with himself. Our relationship needs this space because if we don’t take this space it won’t be good in the end.

 

I am feeling resentment and anger. I am not 100% there because I have some growth that I need to do. I can sit here and blame him for my unhappiness and my resentment. The thing is that does nobody any good. I need to own up to my faults and work on what I need to better myself. Don’t get me wrong, he has done somethings in the relationship as well. I cannot make him own up to that or make him see that he messed up too. The only thing I can do is get myself right with me. If he wants us and he wants to make us work, then he will do the work he needs to do within himself.

 

Then there is the other guy. He is working through some stuff with his life. I am seeing him take what I am showing him and running with it. I am seeing him be present with people in his life in ways that he hasn’t. This is fantastic. This is requiring me to get close to him in ways I have never been mentally. He is falling for me, hard. I am having a reaction to this. Which is crazy. You would think that I would love it and run with it. The thing is I can’t. I don’t know why. I don’t know what is going on.

 

I have always been one to move very quickly in a relationship. I am always the first to say I love you or make a move. I don’t see myself being with this guy for many reasons. Yet, I do love him. I feel something for him. The something is new to me. It’s not like the love I have experienced in the past. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it. I get confused when I think about it because I love my fiancé. I love him more than anything in the world. He and I will still get married eventually. We just need a break to figure something out. With this other guy, it’s love. It’s just a love that I don’t know how to explain. And my mind can’t understand how I can love two men at once? How can I feel this way for two people even though the feelings are completely opposite? How? There are two words that comes to mind. HOW?!?  WHY?!?

 

I will say that I am terrified to post this blog. I am beyond scared to post this because the whole world will see it. My fiancé and the other guy could see it. They could become confused or take what I am saying the wrong way. I just need to get this out. I don’t understand any of this. I really don’t. I know that this is part of the process of letting go because the universe is giving me strong feelings to write and post this. Since the universe is telling me to write and post this, there is something that I am going to learn from doing so.

 

Once I get what I am supposed to learn I will post about it. This life is amazing and wonderful. I am living it to the fullest.

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Growing Others…

Life is funny sometimes. There are people that come into your life to help you learn and grow. There are people that come into your life so you can help them learn and grow. It is an amazing feeling to be able to show someone something that someone taught you.

Five years ago, I met a man, that is now my fiancé. He has given me something beyond explaining. I now have freedom. I now have my life. I have power and love that one could only dream of. I have people in my life that I love more than anything in the world. I know some of these people will only stay for a short time and others will stay forever.

 

I am learning that those that will stay for a little are just as important as the ones that stay forever. I know that I cannot save everyone. I know that I can only save the ones that want to be free. The ones that know there is more to life than what they are living. A new friend of mine is shut down. They don’t want to learn. They are content with the life that they are living. They do not want to see or live life differently than they currently are. This causes them to be confused and angered by the things that I do and the things that I say. That is okay with me because not everyone needs to understand.

 

On the other hand, I have a friend that is running with what I am throwing at him. I am hitting him with some hard stuff that would make most people run the other direction. He is taking this to a level I couldn’t imagine. I have showed him ways to use his emotions and energies in a way that will help him learn and grow. Last night, I threw some knowledge at him. I could see a physical change in his entire body. I could see his brain click on. I could see him get confused in the matter of seconds. I told him that I write and I breathe. He has seen me write in my journal and my blog. He has seen how breathing and writing has helped me. He told me that he was getting sick, his eyes and head hurt really badly. He felt weak. I told him that he’s not sick. It is from the confusion and things he needs to work through. A few hours later he tells me that he is writing in his notebook. He showed me the 9 pages he wrote. He wrote a lot that is for sure. I could feel the emotions in the notebook. He took all the confusion and fear and energy and put it on the paper.  After he did this, I saw a complete change in his body, his eyes, and his energy. It was like night and day. His headache and eyes stopped hurting. He looked at peace. I wanted to start crying. I felt so happy because I was able to give someone something that is changing their life.

 

This is why I do the things I do. I am changing the world one person at a time. I may not know exactly what I am doing and that’s okay. It is okay because I have the universe telling me what I need to do. If I listen to what is going on in my heart I will know I am doing the right thing. One thing that has been happening is a lot of Déjà vu. I know that I am on the right track because I get déjà vu when my spirit and life are moving. I am doing exactly what I need to do! I am ready to see where this life takes me and the people around me!!

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Empath?!?

Hey Everyone,

I have been experiencing some intense and insane things lately. I am finding things out about myself that are eye opening. I realize that my purpose is to be someone that the world needs. I am here to help people see things that they need to elevate their consciousness to another level. I have always felt energies and things that I didn’t understand. Over the last few years I have been listening to these emotions and energies that come up. Recently, I read an article about being an empath. I read it and thought this sounds like me. I didn’t really get it until a few days ago. I can see things in people that no one else understands or sees. I can feel many emotions and energies from people everywhere I go. I can tell you something about someone without having to know them for longer than a few minutes. I can read people without needing to say many words.

 

As the quote above says, I can feel insane sometimes because I know things that seem crazy to others. Others tell me there is no way you could possibly know that. You don’t know them. You never spend time with them. The thing is I don’t need to talk to someone to know them. Everyone puts off energies negative and positive. I have gone through enough emotions and felt enough things to know what others are feeling and thinking. I feel crazy at times because I can’t talk to anyone about it because they don’t think it is possible to be able to see what I see.

 

I have always been emotional and felt things I didn’t understand. I went through depression a lot when I was growing up because I had all these things going on inside me that I didn’t understand. As I started to work on myself and my spirituality I realized the power that I have. I realized how I can change the world. I can use this knowledge and understanding to help others understand themselves. I recently met a guy who is very similar to me. He has a lot of emotions and his energy is similar to mine. I felt a connection with him since the day I met him. I didn’t know what it was until about 3 weeks ago. I have been talking to this guy on a level that I don’t understand. It has been an interesting and eye opening experience. I can feel and see what’s going on in his mind before he understands what just happened. I have never been able to see a person more clearly than with him. I am not just seeing him more clearly, I am seeing everyone more clearly. It is pretty crazy. I feel insane and no one understands.

 

The article that I have added to the end of this post, hits the nail on the head with what I feel and see. It talks about empaths and what they experience. It gives traits about empaths.

 

Here are a few that are particularly important to me, because I am that…

  1. Knowing: I just know stuff without being told.
  2. Feeling others emotions and taking them as my own: I can feel emotions of people around me or from a far.
  3. Knowing when someone is being honest: I can tell if someone is telling me the truth or not.
  4. Need for solitude: I need to have my space. I need to have time to be alone. If I do not get this time I go stir crazy.
  5. Strives for the truth: I have always thought that there was more to life than the life I lived. I found my fiancé who showed me that way to the truth. I cannot stop searching for the truth.
  6. Always looking for answers and knowledge: I am always looking for answers. I get frustrated with unanswered questions. If I feel that I know something I will search without giving up. I need to find the knowledge.
  7. Sense the energy of food: This is a huge one for me. This is why I don’t eat meat. I can feel the energy that is in food very strongly.

 

There are 30 different traits that an empathy can have. These are just the ones that hit home the most for me. I have all the the 30 traits some stronger and more noticeable than others.

I am still trying to figure out how to use this knew knowledge and what it means for me. I am having many different emotions. I feel free now that I know what is happening within me. I am on a journey of discovery and understanding.

Thank you all for all the love and confidence that you have given me during this journey of writing what’s happening in my life.

 

30 traits of an Empath (How to know if you’re an Empath)

Normal?

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If any of you know me, you know I am not normal. I tried to be “normal” for many years. It caused a lot of depression and anxiety. I wasn’t happy. One day, a few years ago I found out that I am not normal and I can’t live like I am normal. Some days, I don’t want to think the way I think. I don’t want to live the life I live. I don’t want to be the person I am meant to be sometimes. I see people being “normal” and I get jealous because I want to be normal. I want to be whatever they are.

 

I want those things sometimes and it’s a struggle for me. The thing is I am not meant to be normal. I am meant for something bigger. I am meant to inspire and love. I am meant to be the true nature that is within me. It’s a huge job. I am not sure I can fill sometimes. I am learning to love my life. I am learning how much I am capable of being. I am learning that because of what I am meant to do people will come and go from my life at any moment. I am learning that I will be isolated sometimes because what the universe wants me to do goes against what everyone else believes. I will be left out of things because my energy is too much for people to handle. I can barely handle the rise in energy, how could I expect anyone else to handle it too?

 

Some people have expectations of me that are low and some have expectations of me that are high. I am learning that these expectations do not matter. I am doing what I need to do. I can only live up to my own expectations of myself. I can only look within myself and give myself whatever I need. No one can give me what I need except me. A baby, a marriage, or friends cannot give me what I truly need. They can show me things about myself I didn’t know. I am the only one who can do the work of giving myself what I need. If I am jealous, it’s because there is something that I am missing with myself. If I am sad or scared, I need to just hug myself and give myself love and appreciation.

 

Don’t get me wrong it is nice having other people love and appreciate me. It’s fantastic when someone wants you and has you on their mind all the time. If I can’t give those things to myself, then I can’t fully appreciate those things from others. There is always a constant reminder of what I need to give myself. My emotions are not me, they do show me what I need. The emotions I have need to be heard and let go.

 

With this uncertainty and confusion, I am going to trust. I am going to have faith. I am going to embrace being who I am. I am going to be free and abnormal. I am going to love even when it’s hard. I am going to give myself space when it is needed. This life is worth it.

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This Life is Beautiful

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When I made the decision to come to Costa Rica I knew my life would change. I still have no idea how my life is changing. I do know that I had no idea this would happen. I am growing closer to Jon in ways I had never imagined. We are communicating in ways that I don’t think anyone else would understand. I don’t even understand how we are communicating this way. It is all knew. I have never felt trusted and loved more than I do with Jon. Somethings are things that most people would be jealous or controlling over their significant other doing. We are able to be open and honest with each other in a way that allows us both to me free. It is simply amazing.

 

On the other hand, I met another man that is showing me something about myself that I have never seen. I am seeing myself in a way I never thought I could. I am seeing things in ways I never would have thought I would be able to see. This man is very similar to me. He feels energies like me so when my energy changes, he asks me what’s up with my energy. So, I begin to see my energy more clearly. I am also getting to know what my true purpose is in life because of the things that are changing in front of my eyes. Seeing someone see things in a new way and put them into action in their life is amazing. It is something that I have seen within my own family. I know how inspiring someone can be for someone. I am seeing how I can be around someone could change their life. I can be a light when there is darkness with anyone who is open to a new way of thinking.

 

I am learning that having a language barrier is no excuse for getting to know someone. There are many people at my school I am learning to get to know even with a language barrier. We can understand each other even if we don’t speak the same language. I can know someone by their energy. I can figure out what a person is like and what they are thinking by their energy. It’s pretty wonderful. It’s an amazing feeling to be able to connect with people on a different level.

 

I would love to explain more and I have written this post about 3 times. I cannot put what is going on into words that would make sense to anyone. I cannot explain all that is going on inside because I don’t understand fully what’s going on. There are so many things that are clicking that it’s hard to put it all on paper. As I begin to understand I will write more posts. Enjoy life. Be thankful. Tell people something no one else would. Say “I love you” to the people you love and never said it to. Just be with it all. Be someone who doesn’t follow the crowd. Following the crowd won’t get you to the magical place that is life.

 

Most things I have been doing are not what would be acceptable to society. Somethings are what society tells us is wrong. The thing is doing these things are taking me to a level that I have never seen before. I am going places and I’m becoming someone who is strong and vibrant. I am sure what I am doing has consequences because there are always risks involved in change. I won’t stop doing what I am doing because the reward and growth I am gaining outweighs the risks involved. I have never regretted anything in my life, good or bad. I won’t start now. This life I am living is beautiful. I can see people changing right before my eyes. It makes everything worth it.

 

Do you want to be well?

As you all know life for me has been tough lately. It has been rewarding as well. I am learning just how strong I am. I am learning how to stay true to myself. I am learning to grow and become independent. I am learning what I need and want. I am learning about the voice in my head that is crazy and absurd. I have been going back and forth all week about what I need to do. I haven’t slept well. I haven’t really eaten.  I have been exercising and writing. It has done amazing things for me to keep the energy moving. It’s scary as hell. I am having faith that the universe will give me something beyond expected when this is over. I HAVE NO IDEA what that is. And THAT IS OKAY!

Today at church, the pastor, hit home for me what I need to do. I cried the entire service. He said a bunch of stuff that I just get. I get it. He said…. (with some of my words, I hope you don’t mind pastor Perry)

Lame people give excuses. They are ineffective because they become paralyzed. People are paralyzed. They are paralyzed by fear. The weight of fear can paralyze you. You are weighing yourself down. We put all kinds of stuff on ourselves so that we can’t move. We are so afraid of losing something we can’t let go. We become paralyzed.

He used scripture to get things through. (I did not write them down.) He was talking about a man who had been ill for 30 some years. And God had asked a question “Do you want to get well?” The pastor went on to explain this with an amazing video about how people don’t want to get out of “prison.” A man is in prison and another man comes and tells him to come with him. He has to leave everything though. The prison man leaves his cell to only to return because he couldn’t leave something behind. The man tells him “you have to hurry. The doors will close any minute. Lets go!” The prison man leaves once again only to return to the cell for something else. The man tells him the same thing again. Eventually, the doors shut and he is stuck in prison.

Some people want to leave the prison. They want to get well. The thing is getting well or leaving prison is scary. It causes you to reflect on yourself. It causes you to make a choice. There is fear in the unknown when you say you want to get well or leave the prison. The pastor said when you make the choice you have to get up and walk out with your bed because you need to have to not want to go back there. You cannot stay where you are. You have to get up and walk. When things are being stirred and you do something without planning on going back there is a place of healing. You do not plan to fail.

When the universe speaks to us we can’t stay where we are. We have to experience the answers and wellness. We NEED TO LET GO of the burdens of fear and get rid of the excuses.

Are you afraid of what the universe will lead you to? What would be an excuse that will delay you from taking up the bed and walking?

Not every sick person wants to leave the prison or get well. They gave away all hope. They can’t change. When the universe speaks to me I have to stand up and walk. I have to get out of the negative thinking and follow the path he has for me even if I don’t see the next step. I have tasted what the universe is capable of. I have seen it. It is huge. It is beyond anything imaginable. GO with IT! Trust it! And have patience. It will come back to triple fold.

I am going with it. I am taking the bed and the first step without even knowing what will happen. I do know that I get what I give. If I give everything. I will get everything. I may not get what I thought I wanted, I will get what I need. Life is good. Life is beautiful.

 

Being honest with yourself is power

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Someone recently told me that they loved my honesty. Oh life…. What are you throwing at me. I couldn’t be more happy to be where I am. I am learning so much. I am learning to stay true to myself in more ways than one. If your wondering why I brought up my honesty. Well… I bring it up because it is so important to stay true to yourself. Life has been testing me to be honest with Jon. I have had to tell Jon some things that most people would hid. I told this to a friend and they freaked out. They couldn’t understand why in the world I would tell my fiancé that I was talking to another man. The thing is Jon and I have a special relationship. Something that is beyond words. We push each other to grow. We push each other to become a better version of ourselves. He knew when I came to Costa Rica I might find a guy I am attracted to. The thing is Jon trusts me. He knows that I will be honest, and I will do what’s right. He also knows that I won’t pass up an opportunity to grow. He knows this because we wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to grow.

People are put into our lives for us to grow and learn. I was tested last night in more ways than one. I don’t drink and I had the urge. The strong urge to drink because drinking would have been an easier way to deal with the emotions and anxiety that I had. I struggled because people kept handing me jello shots and beers. I kept saying no I don’t drink. Oh…. Did I really want to drink last night. The thing is I had to stay true to myself. I know that drinking would only lower my energy lower than it already was. It would have lowered my energy for days after as well. I couldn’t drink just to get rid of some emotions I don’t like. I had to forgo the immediate gratification for the long term results. So… I didn’t drink.

I didn’t understand all the emotions I was having last night so I stayed calm. I breathed. I just let it be what it was. I didn’t react. I just let it be. I woke up at about 5:30 this morning because I had to work through the emotions from last night. I wrote. I exercised. I grew. I realized I can’t let someone else lie because of me. I can’t let someone else make someone else feel how I felt many years ago. I couldn’t be that person. That person is not me and it never will be. I have to walk away. Why it is so hard to walk away I don’t know? I really don’t know. The universe will let me know why when the time is right. I will understand all the emotions, all the struggles, and all the faith soon enough.

I have so much energy that sleeping at night is difficult. The more I stay true to me the more energy I get. The stronger the energy gets. It’s wonderful. Yet when it stays inside and doesn’t move I don’t eat well and I sleep like crap. I have been working out first thing in the morning and sometimes at night. I never work out in the morning. I have to do it because I have to get the energy flowing. The energy is beautiful and amazing. Something that I have seen in the past just a little more intense now.

Here it goes to learning and growing….. by being honest you have more power.

Energy is Life

To me life is about growing and becoming your better self. Life never stops giving you situations in which you grow. If you stop growing entropy will happen. Entropy started to happen for me. I watched it slowly take over my life. The universe loudly told me to move, to make a change, and to overcome the entropy. Here I am in Costa Rica, learning and growing. My energy is moving and changing. It is an amazing feeling. For a while, my relationship with Jon was becoming stagnant. Lately, it has been flowing and moving. WE have had many conversations that run so deep most people would think we are crazy. Some people think we are crazy. Jon and I understand each other on a different level. We get that there are things that we both need to do to grow stronger. We do our best to give the other person space so that we can learn what we need to learn to become a stronger couple and stronger person. I am sure that life is giving us what we need because it is helping us be honest with one another. It is making us trust the other person in ways we haven’t before.

 

It is quite an experience. I love the energy that I am creating and holding on to. It is wonderful to be able to be at peace. I get irritated with people at work and I just feel this overwhelming feeling of just being. I feel like letting it go because it doesn’t matter compared to what I am doing and learning.  There are language barriers between me and some people that I work with. I learning to be comfortable with making mistakes. I have certain people I like to practice my Spanish with because I know they want to practice their English. We make mistakes together. It makes us laugh and have fun. I love being able to just be open and flowing. I feel feminine in many ways that I haven’t before.

 

There are guys that like me here.  I am flattered by their sweetness. I don’t let that define me. I let the energies flow and I look within myself for confidence and happiness. I stay true to myself. I am learning a whole new level of being feminine and how to stay true to myself. I am not losing myself in the appreciation from other men. It is a work in progress. I am learning more and more about it every day. It is amazing what you can learn about yourself when you are around men and women. There is a certain type of energy that you get from the different sexes. I am learning more and more about this as I continue on my journey.

 

For the last two years, I have only hung out with women except Jon and family. I learned soooo many things during that time. It is now time, I learn to have friends of both sexes. Men and women have so much to offer because they are both different. It’s time for me to learn something amazing about people and the different energies. Masculine and feminine energy have so much to offer. As I start to understand this more I will share with you the knowledge. There are so many things racing in my mind. I have so many little nuggets of knowledge I need to cultivate and grow. I want to share these with you because they are wonderful.

 

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Greater

Hey everyone,

Life has been tough for me the last two weeks. It has been full of ups and downs. I have been questioning things I have never once questioned. The thing is I am still pushing. I am still aware of what needs to be done. I am aware of myself. I may not be able to see the future and I may not be able to see tomorrow. That is okay because I can see right now. I can see the work that is being done in my life. So many areas of my life that are being pushed and pulled. My relationship with my fiancé. My attitude towards people. My responses towards people. My strength in myself. My ability to keep going despite not having the answers.

 

I feel alone here in Costa Rica and I feel so loved at the same time. Everyday I keep faith that the fight will be over soon. I moved here because I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I moved here because my feminine work needs to be alone. I will become aware of so many things that I never knew existed. I will look back on this time and know that I did my best. I never gave up. I put all I had into the journey I am on. I couldn’t be more scared in my life because I have no clue WHO I will be this time next year. I have no clue WHERE I will be this time next year. I know where I am TODAY and that’s all that matters. I know that the universe has something in store for me that I could never imagine. I know that not only will I be someone I couldn’t imagine the people around me will be someone they didn’t know they could be either. I know this because the last time I went through something like this the people around me changed. They became something beautiful just like I had.

 

I don’t post a whole lot of stuff about the events that go on in the world because I think that the way for me to do something about it is to become who I need to be and people around me will follow. My mother is this amazing women that I couldn’t imagine my life without. She guides me in many aspects of my life with her wisdom and advice. She always has the right things to say. They may not be easy to hear all the time and it’s always what I need. I used to think that my mom was against me and she didn’t know anything. It took me a long time to understand that my mom made mistakes and that doesn’t make her any less amazing. My mom has done many things that I admire and strive to be. One being that she is honest. When I need advice she is always honest. She has learned from her mistakes which has shown me that I need to own up to my mistakes and my shortcomings. She is not afraid to tell me what mistakes she has made with raising me or my sister. She is honest about her mistakes she made with my father. This is probably the most amazing thing ever. I have learned that being honest and owning up to your mistakes is how you learn and grown.

 

My sister is really overcoming so many things in her life. I may not talk to her all the time yet I see how she is evolving. It is amazing to watch. I am having more and more conversations with her that I love and appreciate. My dad and I are able to talk about more things that we have never talked about in our life. It is just amazing to see the transformations and love that a family can have. Our actions to situations and events show us what we are made of. It gives others the inspiration and courage to step out of their comfort zones to become someone they didn’t know they could.

 

My fiancé is a big person in my life. I may be questioning where our relationship will be in a year or two. I do know that today he is showing me how to be alone. He is showing me love. He is showing me patience. He is showing me things that I don’t quite understand. I am blessed beyond words how amazing this man is. I know that he is struggling having me so many miles away. I know that it’s hard for him in ways that I cannot understand. I don’t know what will happen with us after a year of being in different countries. I do know that if I have faith and I keep looking within myself it will all work out.

Life is something wonderful because it gives you what you need. If you become aware and conscious though those times it will give you more back than you ever expected.

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