True Colors


I am blown away. I don’t understand what has happened with me. The last two weeks have taught me so much. About 10 days ago, I had to go to the United States on short notice for my work visa here in Costa Rica. I had to go back and get a background check because the one I had expired. I thought it was good for 6 months when it was really good for 3 months. I had 10 days to get the background check submitted to immigration in Costa Rica. I really didn’t want to go back to the states during my break from work. I wanted to stay here, relax, and find a side job. Which I can still do.

It was great to get to see family. I got to spend time with my sister, dad, step mom and nana. I was able to take my nana to the doctors a few times and be there with her when she got her new wheelchair. She has been waiting 4 years for a new on. I remember being with her when she would call for the new wheelchair 4 years ago. It was really amazing to be there. I was able to talk with my sister. I spent some time with my niece and nephew. It was perfect.

Being away always teaches me something. This time I learned a lot. I learned just how strong I am. I learned how much I have grown. I continually surprise myself. I had a bunch of conversations with a guy I have been talking to during the time I was away. We had conversations about his children and about life. It was very eye opening for me. I was able to be honest in a way that I had never been. I stayed true to myself.

I am still trying to comprehend what I learned. I am in a state of shock at the moment. My life is one hilarious event after another. Today, something happened that is a bit too personal for me to share publicly.  I should be angry right now. I should feel hurt and upset. I should feel betrayed and offended. What I don’t understand is that I don’t feel any of those things. I feel light and peaceful. I feel calm and okay. I feel like laughing. I am smiling as I write this because I don’t understand who I am at the moment. I am laughing because I am happy to be in the place I am. Even if it sucks, I am happy that no one can take my peace no matter what they do to me.

Everyone’s true colors come out eventually. I am not perfect. I am far from it. I do my best to treat people how I would wanted to be treated. I am honest, almost to a fault, with most things. I can’t say I am always honest because I am not.  I have been honest about my feelings and thoughts about situations with most people. I do this so they have a choice as to how they want to proceed with the information I give them. I have yet to find someone who does this in return. I would rather be honest and lose someone than hide something and risk the consequences when the truth comes out. The truth always comes out.

I don’t understand what this all means. I am happy that things happen in my life because they help me in many ways. They help me be strong and trust myself. They help me keep my peace and happiness no matter what happens. Eventually, I will see the reason behind why certain things happen in my life.

Until then, I am laughing, loving, and living my life to the fullest. Questioning and searching for answers to the life I live.

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You will get a bill….

 

The universe has laws that need to be followed. If they aren’t followed there are consequences. I broke one of the universes laws about 8 months ago and continued to deny the fact that I broke this law. I kept justifying that what I was doing was okay. I was only helping people. When in reality, I wasn’t helping any one. I was blinded by my own wants that I didn’t see how it was affecting myself or others.

It’s been about two weeks since I owned up to the mistake and corrected what I needed to correct with two people. I understand what has happened and words aren’t enough to explain it. It is something that I have to live by example with. I have to show people with my actions what has happened. The right people will see the difference from before and after. They will see the mistake and what I did to correct it by the way I write and live my life. Future posts and even this one are different in regards to who and how I talk about things.

Some people may ask, what was it that you did? I feel at this time what I did or didn’t do isn’t important. It is about what I do about it with my actions that is important. One day, I will write a post about what I did and how it affected people. For right now, writing what I did isn’t what I am supposed to write.

I will tell you that I feel free. I feel that I am finally living up to my commitments and morals for how I live. I am finally right with the universe. I know that I am right with the universe because I am no longer struggling and fighting something with in me. I know that I am right with the universe because I am gaining the most perfect and amazing people in my life. People who support me and truly love me. I am finally harnessing the power that I have within me. I am staying true to me. I am thankful for even the craziest situations without judgements or blame.

My life is still insane even as I live in heaven. The maintenance man for my apartment and I went out the other night. He owns a motorcycle. Which is great. I love motorcycles, even though they scare me. And there is a good reason they scare me. You can seriously get hurt. I am always very careful of the tailpipe. This one time I was not and I got a second degree burn on my leg. I have never had a burn this bad. I am thankful that it doesn’t hurt. I am thankful for the local clinic and my amazing doctors for taking care of me. It is still in the healing process. The incident has made me amazed and thankful for life. I am living in heaven again.

 

Dear Love,

Dear Love,
I probably will never give this to you. I need to put it out into the universe. Almost a week ago I told you I couldn’t speak to you while you have whatever relationship you have with your ex-wife. That was a hard thing for me to do. I want to meet your mom and abuelo. I feel connected to your mom which i don’t understand at all because I have never meet her. I feel connected to her like i do my own mom. I know i have a lot to learn from her. I  hope she arrived safely (i think she came today). I want to message you right now. I really do. that is why I am writing this.
The last week has been hard for me. I am having to deal with my own defects. there have been consequences for this. People who I thought were my friends are now mad at me. Which i understand. One of them left me in a bar at 1 am because he couldn’t handle my honesty. i handled getting home like a pro so i am okay. Another friend, I told them I cant talk to them any more because of a similar reason to you. (He lives in the states) He is married and acts  a way with me that isn’t good even if he is going through a divorce.He threw a huge fit and said i was a horrible friend. The reason I bring this up is because both of them got super angry with me for correcting a mistake I made. I have to stay true to myself and to my morals. I realized something in that….you are a great friend. you maybe upset at me i know this. What I love is that you haven’t taken that out on me. you just let me be. This is beautiful. I am so proud of you. Before you would show me your anger or sadness by saying some negative things when I stood up for myself. You didn’t do that this time. You’re letting me do me. your letting me find myself. I hope you see how far you have come. I hope you see what you do for me. How you help me. How you are making small changes with your words and actions that affect me positively. I love you.
I am about to go on a journey of really finding myself. i am terrified because I have to do this alone. It is going to be really hard for me. I am excited at the same time to  go down this path. When you told me your ex was helping you pay for you mom and abuelo to come here. I got jealous. I wanted to be able to do that for you. I wanted to provide that for you. Now, after realizing that i need to fight for myself I don’t want to be able to do that. here is why…
I am in debt $1000 from medical bills and my Chile trip. With the salary from Educarte, I can’t pay any of that bill off. I also can’t afford my insurance premiums. And the hardest thing is not being able to pay for my IHP dues. i will lose access to things that i need from IHP. I haven’t always been the best with money. Jon has had to bail me out a few times in the last 6 years. I was actually afraid to leave him because of this. I knew that i would mess up with money and have no one to help me. i didn’t want to leave jon because i would lose an easy way out when i messed up with money. i would have to do it alone. i am there. i am at the point where i cant ask for help. i have to do this. i have to fight to make money so i can pay my debt and IHP dues. IHP means the world to me. i can’t lose it. I do however know that this is apart of my work. i have to find myself out there. i am not supposed to teach online or anything for a long period of time. I am supposed to write my book and make money off my blog and the photos i take. This is testing me in ways that i am scared of. i am ready for it because i need to fulfill my purpose. That is to change the world. If people give me money i can’t change the world. I need to “work” for it. i need to appreciate money and what i do. i can’t do that if people hand me money. I need to feel what it is like to fight for something i want so bad. I want access to IHP. I want freedom from relying on people. In order to have that i need to put myself out there and really make my blog take off. I need to do what i am supposed to do and not take the easy way out.
Thank you for showing me this. Thank you for giving me the strength and power to make this happen. Thank you for your patience and love. Thank you for changing yourself. Thank you for following your own path and not the path others tell you to take. You inspire me to be the best i can possibly be. I couldn’t do this without you. I will talk to you soon. Enjoy your mom and abuelo being here. Know that i am with you and them energetically.
Love always,
Rafiki

A letter to myself…

Today I realized how important it is to tell yourself what you need to hear. I know for me I always want someone else to tell me how grateful or lucky they are. I am giving people love and affection when they need it. It made me think why don’t I do that with myself? What is stopping me from allowing myself to really love myself? I wrote a note to myself telling me what I needed to hear.

My note to myself…

“Thank you, Ashley, for being strong and powerful. Thank you for doing the work. You are beautiful beyond belief. You have changed my life. You are always there when I need you. You are deep and feminine you are mighty and free. I am lucky and grateful to live this life with you. You are courageous and wonderful. I know you’re not perfect yet I love you. I love you more than you could imagine. You are worth so much. Deep inside there is a gold that is worth the world and more. I am amazed at the woman you have become. Every day you show the world more light.”

I hope you can have the courage and strength to give yourself what you need. You are the only one you will ever have. Life is beautiful. Allow yourself to fully feel the beauty however that is for you.

Justifying?

One of the things I struggle with is being able to keep my mouth shut about what I see in people. The more I go through and the more I grow. The more I see. It is hard to see what people put themselves through. It’s hard to see what I put myself through.

Lately, I have seen how different things affect my life. I hold on to resentment. Not as much as I used to yet I do. I hold on to other people’s anger and resentment too. It is interesting to see what happens. So many people don’t even see what is right in front of them. I am the same way. Recently, I noticed that I wasn’t doing what I needed too. I was taking medication to get rid of the symptoms instead of treating the cause. Some people get headaches, others insomnia. I however get intestinal issues.

When I am avoiding reality, I get intestinal issues. When I hold on to resentment, I get intestinal issues. I know exactly how to make the intestinal issues go away. I have to eat healthy, run or/and dance, and acknowledge my reality. Sometimes acknowledging my reality means letting go of something that is over. Sometimes it is letting go of what I see others are going through. I can’t help anyone other than myself. I can’t worry about what others are doing in their lives. I need to worry about what I am doing in my life. When I worry about others I start to listen to what they think I need. I also get lazy and slack on my own health. I know that I can’t have dairy and I know that I need to run. Sometimes when I am too worried about helping someone else, I eat dairy and don’t run. Then I get upset at everyone else ignoring their lives, when I am really ignoring mine.

I justify myself by saying things in my head. I may say “well I do my daily breathings and I lift weights. That’s good enough.” I know damn well that’s not good enough. If I slack in some areas, that gives room for me to slack more. That leads to a downward spiral that I don’t want to go down. I let myself go down this road for the last three weeks. It took me pain and unanswered doctor’s visits to see what was happening. I now have a lot of work to do to get me to where I want to be.

I found that I had been listening to other people’s advice instead of listening to what my body needs. Other people say “You need surgery.” or ” You need this medicine.” I don’t need those things. I need to change my diet, exercise, and breathe. So many people put themselves through things that are harmful for them because they don’t want to see reality for what it is. Why would I take their advice? I would because I don’t want to face reality as it is. So, why not listen to the advice of avoidance pros.

As much as I want to say I am in a bad place, I know that I am in the perfect place. It’s neither good nor bad. It is where I need to be in this moment. I am happy. I will struggle with many things over the next few weeks while I am getting myself physically and mentally to a better place. I am ready for it. Sometimes a Phoenix must burn in order to be reborn. They never die.

Sometimes life hits you…

The last few weeks have been hard on me. I have had to deal with more medical issues. I recently went to San Jose to see a specialist about my kidney stones. He didn’t give me any answers to the pain I have been having. He says that the pain isn’t from my kidney stones. I should get a few more tests done and take a new medication. I should also see a gastroenterologist. Something is telling me I need to stop taking all medication for a while. I have been on multiple medications in the last 3 weeks. My body needs to rest from the different types of medication. Not only does my body need it, my mind needs it too. The medicine is affecting me on more than just a physical level.

I am going to do some essential oils and natural remedies like warm water with ginger and honey. I am also going to make sure I that I exercise daily. While Copito was here I slacked on the running and exercise. I need to get back into the groove of running and dancing. As much as I loved Copito I learned a lot. I needed him for the time I had him. Although, that time has come to an end because I am affected by animals energy in a way I never noticed. I know that I am affected by other people’s energy for prolonged periods of time. It is the same with animals.

I realized this about 2 weeks ago. Something was telling me that Copito wasn’t good for my energy and well being. I didn’t do what I needed to do about it. Same thing with my health. I knew that I didn’t need the medicine because I knew what my body needed. I just didn’t do it. I am still processing the reason why I didn’t listen to myself. I wouldn’t go back and changed it because I am learning something valuable.

Life has its ups and downs. It has its times of trials and tribulations. I am thankful for these times because they help me appreciate my life. They help me appreciate and see how far I have come. It’s not easy by any means to go through sickness and stress. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t gone through all the hard times I have had. I am not out of the woods yet. I have a lot of work to do. I have a lot of things to do to get to the place I want to be. I can get there. I have been there. I know exactly how to do it. I will do it. And I am doing it.

The Line

As I continue to learn more about myself, the more I see in other people. I see things people don’t want me to see. I see things people hide because they don’t want people to know. This is hard for me because I see the pain and suffering in other people.

I am learning to respect people’s process. I am learning to let people deal with the things they are going through. This is hard when you love and care about someone so much. I feel helpless most of the time because I can’t take their pain away. I can only love them and be there for them when they ask.

I am not quite sure how to let go of the need to fix them. I am not sure how to let go of the outcome I want for them. I am not sure where the line starts. I am not sure how to respect the line because I don’t know what that looks like.

Having this “talent” does come with a sacrifice. I am learning that this sacrifice is worth it because it’s not about me or you. It’s bigger than that. It’s something terrifying and magnificent all at the same time. I am lucky to be going down this road of discovering myself and how to use my “talent” for the best. How to respect the line.

WHAT A LIFE!!

Life is beautiful! Life has been taking me on a journey of a lifetime. I am happy and excited to be where I am. It is just too funny. The things that life throws at you to learn about yourself is amazing.

IMG_2795First, I got my tattoo finished. I decided against color. Something is telling me that you don’t need to be full of bright colors to be beautiful. Sometimes black and white is amazing and beautiful all on its own. I am in love with the finished product and I won’t be adding color. Sometimes seeing things in black and white can change your perspective in a way that seeing color cannot. I am still beautiful and amazing even if there are no bright colors.

Second, I am fostering a dog. His name is Copito. He is amazing. He is full of life and love. He has shown me so many things in the last 3 weeks. I know he will not be in my life forever. I know that he has a purpose and family waiting for him out there somewhere. I do know that what he and I are experiencing is something that I will carry with me forever. He has changed my life. I am excited to see where this adventure with him takes us.

Third, I made a trip to the doctors again. My toe nail fell off a few weeks ago. I went to see why. It turns out that it has a fungus or something. The medicine to treat it is very hard on your liver so I had to get blood tests done to make sure my liver is well. The blood tests came back elevated so I went to get an ultrasound. My liver is fine, which is great news. On the other hand, I have kidney stones. They are a bit too big to pass on their own. I need to see a specialist to get treatment to make them smaller.

Fourth, I am learning so much about life. I have been going on adventures with an intern at work. She is from France. She has been at my school for 3 months working on a project for her program in France. She and I have become good friends in this short time. We have gone on many adventures together. We took a trip to Rio Celeste, Arenal, and Monteverde. We have had conversations that have helped me grow and see life differently. It’s been an amazing experience. She goes back to France tomorrow. So the last few days we have just been having fun and really enjoying life. It has been a wonderful time.

She and I have been talking about life and the things that I do in my life. It has been great to share the ups and downs of life with her. Yesterday, we were talking about the guy that I saw a few months back. She knows him as well so it makes it easier for us to talk about it. He has been ignoring a lot of my questions recently. I had explained to her why I thought that was happening and what that meant for me.

After work yesterday, he started messaging me about his life. Which he has done in a while. He was telling me about how he was scared about what could happen with his job and his family moving here. I could tell he was scared. I could tell he needed support. He just didn’t know how. Normally, I can send him a funny video or something to make him smile for him to be okay. I did this. His response was “I cannot pretend that everything is okay, because it is not okay.” He may not know it, yet that is a huge step for him to admit. This makes me happy.

I know that I have made mistakes with my relationship with him. I did things that did not help either of us. There were consequences for those things. I am now seeing those and becoming conscious of them. I am happy that I have this man in my life. He is a great friend in many ways. I am glad that he is a mirror for me to see the defects within me that I need to overcome. I have become aware of many defects I never knew existed in the last few months from my relationship with him. It is an amazing feeling when you can see these amazing things. As hard as it is to acknowledge and see it is beautiful. It is powerful. It is energy and life.

What I Asked For.

Life isn’t always easy. Sometimes things are thrown at you to knock you down. You have to get back up and keep fighting. You have to stand up for yourself and what you believe.

This week was a good week. A hard week as well. Somethings happened at worked that required me to stand up for myself. I had to have a meeting with some parents because of an incident that happened a few weeks ago. It was intense. Emotions were flying. I tried to keep myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t. I responded to a question with an attitude and a not the best words. I own that. I know what and why I did that so I am prepared for next time. The whole situation was intense. I am glad it happened because I learned a lot about myself and other people.

One thing, I realized during the week is that the universe gave me what I asked for. I wanted a companion. Someone who could be there when I got home. Someone who didn’t say anything. Someone who is just there. I am good being alone. I like being alone. I learn a lot being with myself. I appreciate my time alone more than anything in the world. It’s just nice having someone there sometimes.

This week, I got a dog to foster. His name is Copito. He is great. A very good and patient dog. The meeting at work happened on Wednesday. It was intense. I was ready to come home and just relax. I came home and Copito was so happy to see me. I started crying with joy and appreciation. He put a smile on my face. I had a bit of anger. I didn’t want to hold on to that so I screamed in my pillow until it was gone. Copito came over to me and was trying to comfort me. It was beautiful.

It took me a couple days to realize that he is what I had been asking for. He is helping me in ways I never thought. I had been trying to foster a dog since December. It hasn’t worked out until now. I know that there is something to learn from the experiences I am going through.

I would love to keep this dog forever. I would love to give him a forever home. I just know that I am not that for him. I love this dog so much. He is a blessing. I see him and I smile. He has somethings about him that drive me crazy. I still love and appreciate him with all my heart. It will be hard to let him go. He will be in my life until it’s time for the next adventure. Whenever that is supposed to be. For now, I will just appreciate the time I have with him. I will learn all I can so I can grow into a better me.

Life gives you what you need. It just might not look the way you wanted it too. Have patience and love. It works out.

No One Understands Me?

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Someone once told me that my life will not be understood until I pass away. People will not understand the way I live my life until after I am dead. I was told this about 2 years ago by a lady very dear to me that is no longer alive. Her name was Teresa. This lady was an absolutely amazing woman. She lived a full and happy life. This beautiful woman achieved many things in her lifetime. One thing she did was spend many years learning and understanding astrology.

Me, Teresa, and a few other friends from IHP were at the IHP cabin in New York not far from the Pennsylvania border. We had just finished a wonderful dinner that Teresa had prepared. Somehow we started talking about our birthdays and the astrology related to when we were born. Someone mentioned that Teresa could read our astrology map (I don’t know what it is actually called). A bunch of us wanted to know what our astrology said about us. We all pulled up our astrology maps so she could read them for us.

There were two things she said about mine that stuck out to me. One was my relationship with my father and people understanding me. I won’t go into what she said about my relationship with my father because that is something I have already understood and worked through. The one that I put on the back burner was people understanding me. I actually forgot about this until today.

I have always struggled with people understanding me. Even to this day, I feel that no one understands why and how I think. It is just something that I battle with all the time. It’s hard for me to explain certain things in my life. I don’t know how to make sense of the things that happen within me so that people understand. I understand me on a level that doesn’t have words to explain. This causes me to doubt myself in a lot of situations. I tell someone something and they get confused because I can’t explain it. It is hard to explain something that doesn’t have words. It is hard to explain something that my spirit knows that my head can’t comprehend.

I have been writing in a diary for a long time. I have been rereading them to see what has changed with me over the years. I realize that one day those writings will be turned bookinto a book. I do not know if I will write the book before I die or someone else will write the book after I die. It will be written at some point. People may not understand me now yet when I am gone they will understand what my life was about and what I am spending my life doing.

I have been spending most of my time trying to get people to understand me, the way I understand me. This has caused a lot of issues in my relationships with people. They think that I am trying to change them when that’s not the truth. I am trying to get them to understand me the only way I know how. I understand me by understanding other people. I figure out the reasons behind why I do certain things from watching and observing other people. I use this as a way to try to get other people to understand me. I desperately want people to understand me. Well, my ego desperately wants people to understand me. My ego says “I can’t be truly loved unless people understand who I really am”. How can other people understand me if they don’t understand themselves? So, I try to get people to understand themselves so they can understand me. This pushes them away. Maybe, my life is about me understanding me. Why do I need to get people to understand me? What would life be like if I accepted that I am the only one who needs to understand me? How would this change my relationships with other people?

Wow, this is huge for me. I don’t know what else to say. Just, WOW! There is more for me to recognize with this. This is the beginning of a new and beautiful life for me. A life free from what stops me from living up to my full potential. More to come…