I conquered a fear! — Surfing!

Today I conquered a fear of mine. I have never ever, ever wanted to go surfing in my life. Everyone who knows me knows that I will not go surfing. I am afraid of the waves and a rip current I purposely do not go to beach with waves over a certain height because it scares me.

It was a friend’s birthday today. She wanted to go fishing originally. We couldn’t find ba887035-82b9-4cf1-a450-232af934e5d9enough people to go and it would have cost too much. She decided on surfing. At first, I was like I will go and watch. After, some intense thinking I decided that I was going to do. I was going to conquer this fear and do it. I have been overcoming so much recently that I felt powerful enough to do this.

We have 20 minutes of practice on the sand. We practiced jumping from laying to standing. We practiced paddling to standing. I was like OMG I can’t do this. My ankle was not liking the squat position. I pushed through and we walked to the water. I just so happened to be the first one to go. I got on and I followed his directions. I MADE IT 1e0e335f-8bf5-48db-ab5b-a345a9049207HAPPEN!! I SURFED!! The first try I was standing up and surfed for a good bit of time. I was so proud of myself. I was standing on the wave in awe that I was actually doing it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. It is really hard on my ankle because of the surgery I had a while ago. Yet, it was incredible.

I absolutely needed to do that. I gave me strength that I can handle anything that comes my way. No one can stop me. I am living my life the way I need to live it. I am doing the things I need to truly live. I am taking fear and punching it in the face. I am conquering many fears and do many things I never thought possibly.

Do something that makes you proud. Overcome something because it will give you a power that no one can take away. Doing something so amazing like staring fear in the face is courageous and rewarding. Go out and do things that put you outside your box. Whether it is surfing, or leaving someone not good for you, or taking that test you need to get a head in your job. Whatever it is just do it. And do it with love.

I come with a warning….

 

 

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I come with a warning… once a man gets to know the real me, they might (probably will) run away. How I live my life is hard for most people (especially men) to be with. When I meet a guy and I think there might be a chance for a dating relationship I warn them that once they get to know me they won’t want to be with me. (this maybe a bad thing)

By being me, I push buttons they never knew they had. They can grow past them or stay the same. I will continue to evolve. My life purpose is to be who I am so people can hopefully question the matrix they live in and unplug themselves. I have come to terms with being alone and never finding the “one” because it will take a very special man to be what I need. I may never find that person and I’m okay with that.

There are many men out there that have the knowledge and potential to live a brilliant and amazing life with me. The thing is they will have to let go of the part of them that doesn’t work for them. We all have defects that hold us back from a wonderful life, me included. I work every day to find and destroy my defects. I want to unplug from the matrix and live an extraordinary life. If someone wants that life with me they need to do the same. It can be done in whatever way that works for them. Yet, they need to work just as hard as I do to find and get rid of the defects that hold them back.

Some defects can be so ingrained in the person they do not see what it does. Some people ignore emotions and feelings because it is too tough to deal with. They have mask on that says “I’m happy and nothing is wrong.” When in reality, they are absolutely miserable. Some people enable their family members to do things that are holding both people back from having a life of freedom. These defects can be hard to see and acknowledge because they have lived their entire life like this. It’s “normal”.

I have defects, many defects in fact. Some of my defects I have shared with you in recent blog posts. The thing is… I don’t want normal. I want incredible. I want extraordinary. I question everything and anything that happens in my life. I question my questions sometimes. I have not always done this. I started doing this (6 years ago) and it changed my life. I can’t stop doing this. I won’t stop doing this because my life is something one could only feel and experience.

Questioning things and working to unplug myself scares people in my life. It scares them away because the fear of the unknown is too much for them. They would rather stay in the normal and comfortable. It’s easier to do that. It’s easy to do what you have always done. I however cannot do that. I cannot stay in the comfortable. I chase the unknown like my life depends on it because my life depends on the growth and awareness I am chasing. If you want to do the work and dig into the unknown… come with me. I will take you with me down the rabbit hole. If you want to stay comfortable that’s okay too. I just won’t wait around because I got things to see and things to experience. I can’t hold myself back for someone who isn’t willing to come with me. Sometimes the path we are on together only lasts for a short time before they have to go down their own path of finding themselves. I am content with people coming and going from my life.

It is very, very hard to leave without someone. I want everyone to have a life that is free from the the things that hold us back. I want everyone to live at their fullest potential. I can’t force someone to want that. When the times comes and I have to “leave” that person, it kills me inside. If I love the person with my entire heart and I have to leave then behind…. that is the absolute worse feeling in the world. Yet, for me to do the work I am set out to do, it has to be done. I am nervous about saying this because it won’t sit right with everyone. I do know that it will sit right with the people who understand and know what I am talking about. I will push ahead and publish this because the universe says that it’s what’s needed. Life is about being vulnerable, right?

Life is beautiful and there is something to learn from each person we meet. No matter how long someone is in your life for learn from them. Grow from the experience to break out of the box or to unplug yourself from the matrix. This life is meant for us to live and experience. You can’t experience a wonderful, extraordinary, or incredible life if you are comfortable and safe. Get out there and learn. Put yourself in situations that make you grow and question life as you know it. If you never ask questions you won’t ever know any different.

The weight of the world

Recently, I found out that I am an Empath. If you don’t know what an Empath is, it is someone who is affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. I have been reading a lot about Empaths. I am understanding why I am not understood by people and why I feel the crazy emotions that I feel. Sometimes I will be happy and on top of the world. At the same time, I will feel many other things like anger or confusion.

I have been so happy lately with how my life has been. It’s been hard the last few weeks and I still find myself happy and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions I have made and the things that I have done. I am seeing my true power. I am seeing just how strong and loving I really am. I am seeing a new Ashley. It’s overwhelming sometimes the new changes within me. It’s exciting and completely amazing as well.

The last week I has been hitting me really hard. I have been feeling things that I know are not my feelings. There are many changes happening at my job and in my life. I am alone for the first time in three years. I have no family here and I have no friends that support me like the ones back in the states. Since I have only been here for a few months I am still growing relationships. Whereas the ones at home I’ve had for many years. They know exactly what to do. They have been helping me tremendously over the phone as much as they can. There is only so much that can be done over the phone.

Since there are many changes happening at work I can feel everyone and their energies. I can feel the stress and the anxiety. I can feel the tension between everyone. I can see people struggling with the new responsibilities and changes. They all seem happy and great. I however feel what they really feel. I feel what’s truly going on in their bodies. It’s overwhelming for me because I feel the weight of everyone. I have my own struggles with my life. I don’t want to feel what other people are feeling.

Being an Empath is a gift and a curse. I love that I feel these things because it helps me understand on a really deep level what people are dealing with so I can help them. On the other hand, I feel the weight of the world (literally) on my shoulders. I am doing everything in my power to move these energies out of my body because they are not me and I don’t need them. I have learned a lot of things I can do because of the school I went to in New York City. The exercises I learned at IHP are helping me be able to stay within myself. This doesn’t mean that breakdowns don’t happen. They sure do. I just stay conscious and aware of myself the entire time I am breaking down.

Today, I had worst breakdown I have had in a long time. The day started off good. I organized my desk at school. I prepared what I needed for the day. It was good. Then around lunch time I went to the office for something and we started talking about my work visa. (I have been trying to get them to do this for 3 months) Come to find out… one of my documents expired last week. A document I can only get from the states. Let’s just say I wasn’t happy. I said to myself “you’re good under pressure. Let’s rock this.” (all while feeling like giving up) So, that’s what I did, I got to work. I thought of every option I possibly could. It’s either I go to the states and get it or someone brings it to me. I don’t want to go back to the states so I called everyone I know to get this paper and the stamp I need for it. Finally, I found someone. I just have to order a birth certificate and send it to her. I can’t do this unless my billing and shipping address are the same. I mean come on that’s easy to fix. Yet, when you’re on edge of a breakdown it’s a big deal. I fixed it and it’s done. I can’t do any more with the paperwork.

During lunch, we had a meeting with the new principal. Everyone is in the same room during their lunch time so I can feel the energies from everyone. I can feel the unease and the anxiety. I could feel so many energies there. I just felt like I needed to get out of there. As soon as it was over I left the room. I pulled myself together to teach the rest of the day. Which I am super proud I could do.

Let’s just say life kept coming at me after I got home. I broke down. I cried. I screamed. I ran. I breathed. I danced. I did everything I could possibly do. I want to give up right now. The thing is…. I can’t. I will keep pushing through whatever life is trying to teach me right now. I am fighting and learning about the different energies. I am figuring out what all this means for me and my life

Thank you everyone who has helped and encouraged me this week. It means the words to me! I love you all. You are the reason I keep pushing.

If You Want it… Do It!

 

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Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I felt powerful and at the same time I felt sad. I felt like I was grieving the loss of something. And in reality I am. I really liked the guy that I had been seeing for the last few months. I guess I have to grieve the loss since I can no longer see him in that way because I do not want to settle for less.

I started the day off with breakfast at a restaurant in town and a walk on the beach with a new friend. I cleaned my apartment and took a nap after. I felt like I could have slept all day. I didn’t though. I talked with a friend from the states and my mom. I felt better. I know that it is okay to feel sad because loss happens. I just can’t stay in that sadness, which I was good at doing yesterday. I am proud of myself for not letting the sadness over take my life.

This place across the street has a paint and wine night about once a month. I really didn’t have the money to go yet I knew I had to. So I went. They were painting boats. I wasn’t feeling the boat so I painted a seahorse. The place is really awesome with allowing you to paint whatever you like. I was scared to paint the seahorse. I wasn’t sure I could paint the seahorse the way I wanted to. I wasn’t sure it would come out how I imagined. I questioned whether or not I should do the seahorse or the boat for about half hour. The lady at the paint place said do the seahorse. So, I said you know what F this. I am painting the seahorse. I put my headphones in, tuned out the world, and went into myself.

I started to mix the paint for the background and it wasn’t coming out the color I wanted. I started to be like this is a sign you shouldn’t do this. I said to myself, “no you are doing this.” So, I asked for help. The lady helped me mixed the perfect color. Then I needed to outline the seahorse. I laid the canvas on the table, looked at the picture on my phone, and just painted the outline. Again, I was scared. I am not good at drawing animals or people. This was putting me outside my comfort zone. Yet, I knew this is what I needed toIMG_9613.jpg paint.

Next, I started on the seaweed at the bottom. I had no idea how I was supposed to do the seaweed so I just started. It wasn’t sure how I wanted it to look. I wasn’t feeling the way it was looking. I was thinking how can I start over and erase this. The universe told me “just keep going.” I pushed through with what I was going even though it wasn’t perfect. What I needed to do next just came to me. The seaweed came out perfect. Exactly how I wanted it too.

IMG_9617.jpgIt was time to work on the seahorse itself. I was the most fearful about this part. I was really scared that I would mess it up and the painting would be horrible. I asked for some help. She said to start small. Look at a small portion at a time. I tried this and I wasn’t feeling it. Something told me to just paint the whole damn horse yellow and orange. That’s what I did. It gave me a base coat that so that I could work from there. It wasn’t getting the result I wanted to, so asked for help again. All while thinking I can’t do this. She came over and suggested I use my fingers to get the look I wanted. I am thinking painting on canvas with my fingers?!? That’s new. Again, something said do it. So I used almost every finger on my right hand to get the seahorse to look a certain way. The more I worked with the paint and my fingers the more I began to love the painting. It was coming out great.

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I could tell you step by step what I did, yet that is not the point of this. The point is that I pushed myself every step of the way during this painting. I didn’t think I could do it. I was determined to do this painting. I was determined to make this happen. Yes, I messed up on the fin of the seahorse and I found a way to fix it. I found a way to make it exactly how I wanted it too. I wanted to leave the seahorse plain without the brown lines for its spine because I was afraid I would ruin the beauty I had. I just picked up a brush and went to work. I painting the brown spines exactly where they needed to be. I didn’t second guess myself. I just painted. The final result is perfection. I am completely happy and proud of myself. I didn’t limit myself to something plain because it was too hard to make it perfect. I pushed through the thoughts and my piece came out perfect. It was hard and it was worth it.

 

When you want to do something do it with all your heart. Do it with all you got and it will be perfect. You may mess up and you may need help along the way. That’s okay. Keep pushing because the work you put into it will reward you with something amazing. I am confident and happy today because I didn’t let fear stop me. Love yourself so much that you make things you want a reality. If you want to paint that picture, do it. If you want to write a book, do it. If you want to move, do it. If you want that relationship, make it happen. Life is too short to be scared and fearful of what could happen. If you don’t try, you won’t see what you are capable of. Do it with all your heart with the right intentions and you will be amazed at the end result.

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F*@#! YES!

My mind has been blown everybody. I am doing the same thing all over again. You have to go to back to my marriage with my ex-husband. He was a good guy. He had things that I had never had before so I fell in love with that. I ignored everything else that was staring me in the face. There were things that I wanted in a partner that he never gave me and I made excuses as to why it was okay that he didn’t do those things. One of which was travel with me to new places. He traveled with me yet not as often as I would have liked. I wanted someone who would explore and not just stay on a resort and read a book by the pool. I wanted someone who would take monthly trips to New York City. I made excuses as to why he never did that not realizing I was selling myself short.

Fast forward to my relationship for the last 6 years. He broke up with me multiple times saying it’s because I needed to learn something. He wouldn’t talk to me most of the time. The thing is I took him back every time because I thought that I needed him to learn about myself and that I couldn’t do it on my own. I made excuses and kept the relationship going and dealing with the breakups when they came. Yes, I grew a lot and I wouldn’t go back and change this if I could. When people asked me why I took him back or why he and I did this my excuse was it was just how our relationship was. I settled. I wanted him to stay and not leave. I told him this and he couldn’t give it to me. I took him back every time because I was afraid to lose something.

Now, I was with this guy the last month or so. I asked him recently if we were boyfriend and girlfriend; he said no. The day this conversation happened I told him that I couldn’t talk to him until he was ready to be that for me. He sent messages and he got mad at me. So what did I do? I folded and took him back. I settled again. I am scared that I will lose something good. I would rather have certain things even though I’m not getting exactly what I want. I can have what I want and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing one thing when I can have it all.

I suggested we start over. He said yes. So for the last two weeks I was being this amazing girl to get him to see that I am worth it. I was being me. The thing is that he isn’t in the place to see everything I have to offer. He wasn’t ready to start over and even though I did he didn’t. I want certain things from a partner. He has some and he has potential for the rest. He just has to want it bad enough to be that for me. I need to be a FUCK YES in all ways. I am not that for him so I need to let myself go so that either he has space to see that or someone else will come along and be that for me. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that I need to be that for myself. I need to be able to not make excuses and give myself everything I want. If I want to be taken out on a date and shown off by my man than I need to not settle for anything less. If I want someone to be my boyfriend and they aren’t ready I need to walk away and not settle for less. I need to respect and love myself enough to say NO I DON’T WANT THIS! I WANT BETTER BECAUSE I CAN HAVE IT! I do not need to justify why I want these things either. I need to stand for what I want because if I can’t stand for what I want. How will anyone be able to do that for me? I need to do what I need for me. I need to be a FUCK YES FOR MYSELF! I am not bringing myself down to someone else’s level because they aren’t ready, just for potential. Action is what I need. I need to be action for myself so I attract that same thing.

 

BE A FUCK YES for yourself and don’t settle. Do not settle for one or two things when you can have it all. If you want the sunshine you have to handle the hurricane too. You can’t have one without the other. Trust yourself and love yourself when you’re a hurricane or sunshine. You know what you want trust that do not settle for any one.

Actions Vs. Words… Who wins?

Hey Everybody,

Life has been showing me some amazing things about myself lately. I really am stronger than I think I am. I have also come a very long way with my emotions. There are times that my emotions show very clearly on my face that may take a while to work on. How I respond to things really has changed. I don’t speak as quickly as I used to. I put a lot more thought into the emotions and feelings that I am having. I am not always the best at this yet this week has shown me that I can do it a lot more easily than I used to.

As you all know, I made a mistake recently. This week, I was pretty awesome. I was able to hold my tongue multiple times. I was able to see things in a different perspective. I was able to come from a place of love and understanding. I was able to forgive myself for what I had done and move on. Of course, I learned from the experience and I’m doing what I can to prove that I am sorry and that I messed up.  It’s okay to mess up because that is where you grow. It’s what you DO when you mess up that is everything. I messed up and I am proving with my actions what I said with my words.

I realize more now than ever how much actions speak louder than words. I said I would do something and I am doing it. I am doing exactly what I said I would do because my actions will show way more than my words. The thing is my actions may not be seen right away. That is okay because they are being seen by the people meant to see them.

With relationships, you can’t look at what the people say. You have to look at their actions because their actions will show you exactly where they are. I look at my past relationships with friends or boyfriends it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same. If you want to be in someone’s life you will make it happen no matter what. You can say “oh I miss you” or “oh we should talk” all you want. If you REALLY mean it you WILL call or make time to see that person. There is no better way to show someone how you feel than by your actions.

My best friend in the states, she and I talk all the time. She has a baby and two jobs… guess what? She still makes time to message or call me. I have other friends in the states who never call or message. I am always the first to message them. They never message me. I have to hold the conversation. That is not a friendship. Friendships go both ways. Friends make time no matter how busy their schedule is or what is going on in there life.

One of the reasons my best friend and I are still friends after 7 years is because she and I own up to our mistakes. We make an effort to be there for each other. We do what we need to do to show love or anger if we need to. We forgive and we move on. We don’t pretend that we are all good when things fall apart. We are honest with our feelings and don’t take them personally. We make the effort we need to make to keep the relationship going because we know that our friendship is valuable. We learn and grow from each other, which is the most valuable thing you can do. If I call her out on her shit or ask her a question she thinks about it with everything she has. She doesn’t give me some bullshit answer. She knows I will see right through the bullshit. And she does the same thing with me.

If I could take one thing from my life that would make my life better…. That would be to look at peoples actions before believing their words. Actions are everything. Words only have meaning if there is an action following it.

What New Goals Have You Set?

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Hey Everybody,

The last time I wrote I talked about a mistake I had recently made. It took me a few days to come to terms with the mistake and the fact that I hurt someone. I felt horrible. I spoke with some of my friends and I realized that beating myself up about it was not going to change anything. I couldn’t do anything about what happened except forgive myself and move on. So that’s what I did. I forgave myself and moved on. I figured out what I needed to change so it hopefully doesn’t happen again.

Since then I have been able to just be myself again. A better version of myself because now I am stronger. I also have a better understanding of myself and the things that scare me. The person I hurt has forgiven me. I cannot say it is back to how it was because that is impossible. I can say that we are in a better place now. There is more love and understanding than there was before. There were a lot of things that we both realized. We chose to “start over”. I can say that I have never been able to just start over with someone before. The past has always been there. With him, I have been able to start fresh from this new place and keep going. It feels right and it feels good. This is a new thing for me because we both started from a new place. Things are definitely different yet they are how it’s supposed to be. It feels so much better. It feels more right than it did before.

It is crazy how you can try the same things with other people and it never work. There is always something there. It feels amazing to start fresh and come from a good place. I wish I could describe this better. There just are no words for what has happened and who I am now.  I have grown as a person. I accomplished a goal that I set out to have 6 years ago. I achieved my goal and now it’s time for a new and bigger goal.

On Tuesday night, I made a new goal with myself and the universe. I will do everything in my power to achieve this goal because it’s important to me and the journey it will take me to get to that goal will be one that will change my life forever just as the last goal I had did. Who I am now compared to 6 years ago is a completely different person. If you told me 6 years ago I would be where I am now I’d never believe you. So I know that in whatever time it takes me to achieve this goal I will look back and say the same thing. I am ready for the next level of my life so it takes a next level goal. I am going to do everything in my power to make these goals a reality because it is my life and I chose to go after what I want.

Everybody, make goals that will change you as a person. Make goals that will push you to be a better you. Make goals that will test you. Make goals that will get motivated to become stronger. You got this!! And I will tell you… you are worth it!!

Thank You for the Struggle

The past few days have been really hard for me. When I went back to the states, I fell “asleep.” When I got back to Costa Rica, I was still “asleep”. I made some choices what were not conscious. I made them based on things from my past that were not true. I hurt someone really close to me. I was a complete jerk. I did things that were not out of love and compassion. I put up a wall because I thought I couldn’t handle the amount of love that I was getting. I thought that there was something wrong because no one has loved me like that before. I pushed the person away in the worst possible way. I did exactly what my ex-fiance did to me to this person and I was much nastier about it. I wanted to teach that person something when in reality I was the one that needed to be taught something.

 

I felt horrible about how I treated him. It was one of the worst possible things someone could do to someone, in my opinion. I don’t understand why yet this person has given me a second chance. This person has not left me and still shows me love despite how nasty I was to him. He has opened my eyes to what love is and how a relationship should go. I have a lot more to learn from him and he is willing to be there to show me what life could be like. I am learning another culture and way of life that is not present in the United States.

I am ready to learn new ways of being because I want to make the world a better place. I want to have and raise children in a home that is full of love. I want to show my children and people around me what it’s like to overcome hardships and learn from mistakes.

I feel many emotions that I haven’t felt in a very, very long time. What I did and what I am going through was meant to happen so that I could learn and grow from it. In the last day, I have learned many things about life and hardships. I have seen love in a new way. I have seen forgiveness and compassion. I am scared of the darkness I am experiencing yet I know what the light looks like after experiencing this pain. I have the courage and the strength to keep going one step at a time. I have the love and faith to keep pushing past my walls and boundaries. I have the knowledge and friendships to walk me through this darkness. I haven’t lost the light. It’s still there, its just dim. As I work through this the light will be brighter and stronger. The light will be a guide for me next time and for others who need it right now.

Thank you, universe for the opportunity to grow and become a better me. Thank you, universe for giving me such amazing and wonderful people to walk along side me on this journey. Thank you, universe for love and patience. Thank you for the good times and the bad times. I chose to walk the path I have been given because this is the path that will lead to the most beautiful and amazing opportunities and life. Stay strong all those who are struggling. You are not the only ones. There is light on the other side of this struggle that is beautiful. Keep pushing. Keep going.

Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018.

2017 has a been a year of major changes for me. I quit my job at the Charter School in DC with no job in place. I took a TEFL course and moved to Costa Rica. I got a job at an amazing school near the beach. I left my fiancé. I started dating someone else. I sold my car in the states. I started attending church.

 

2017 tested me in more ways than one. The major thing 2017 taught me was to love and trust myself. I learned that I can make anything happen if I love and trust in myself. I trusted that moving to Costa Rica would be the best thing for me. It has been the greatest thing. It has shown me how to love and how to trust.

 

I loved my ex fiancé with everything I had. A lot of people think this may not be true because I left him for someone else. Someone I started talking to before I left my fiancé. He was even upset with how everything went down the last few months for a little while. It is okay though. I know what I did. I was honest and upfront about everything. I let him know exactly what I was doing. I asked what he thought and how he felt. I gave him the choice to do what he needed to do.

 

When I went back to the states for Christmas, I saw him and we talked about many things. We left things on a good note. We left things exactly where they need to be. He knows I love him. He knows I did everything I possibly could. He understands and respects the reasons and things I did. He is an amazing guy. This wasn’t the only reason we were able to do this. We were able to do this because of who I became. Who I was and how I responded to everything. I came with love and trust. He saw that and did the same with me.

 

While I was back in the states, my new boyfriend was staying at my place. I did the same thing with him. I loved and trusted. I was honest about what I was doing, what I was learning, and who I was becoming. I learned a lot about him during this time. He told me things about how he lives his life and what he believes. It was hard for him. I accept those things about him. I actually love those things about him. I learned that I can have everything he has to offer because I love and trust myself. I learned that I do not have to settle on the things that I want or need.

 

The last few years, I worked hard on myself. I worked on breaking down the barriers that are stopping me. I worked on finding and knowing my true and authentic self. 2017, was a test to see if I would love myself and give myself what I need. I can say I accomplished that. The universe has given me so much in return for the effort and work I put into myself.

 

In 2018, I will continue to work on myself and become the best version of me. I will continue to accept that I can have the best possible things in life. I will continue to love and trust. I will continue to be who I am meant to be. I will continue to give my all. I will not give up on myself and what I want.

 

I hope that you all achieve many things in 2018 because this is the year to make things happen. This is the year to achieve your dreams and learn deeply.

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Goals and Failing

I have been thinking about the word failing and what I means to me. How failing applies to my life and the way I view situations. I have failed in the past. In the last few years, I have change my goals so that I do not fail.

Failing has many definitions. The one that applies to most people is “to be unsuccessful in achieving one’s goal.” You can fail depending on the goals you make.

Let’s look at my marriage. My marriage to Josh failed because my goal going into the marriage was to have a long and happy marriage. Of course, that didn’t happen. We were married for two years and we were not happy. When the marriage ended I felt like a failure. My marriage failed as it relates to my goal. I failed because I was unsuccessful in having a long and happy marriage.

Now let’s look at my engagement to Jon. Most people go into engagements with the goal of getting married. So, if the engagement ends, they failed. To me, an engagement is a period of time where you make completely sure that person is the one you want to marry. If you knew 100% that you wanted to marry that person why not just get married? What is the point in waiting to get married if you know? Yes, people use this time to plan a wedding and that makes sense. There are many people who plan the wedding and cancel the wedding because they realized in that time this person wasn’t the person for them.

Being engaged is a higher commitment than just dating and a lower commitment than marriage. In that commitment, things can be shown to the people involved. Those things can make or break the engagement. So, when Jon and I got engaged, I did not want to fail so I went into the engagement with the goal of figuring out if I wanted to marry this man or not. Neither of us was sure we wanted to marry the other person. We knew there was potential there and the engagement would show us what we needed to know because of the different level of commitment involved in being engaged. About a month ago, I ended the engagement. The engagement didn’t fail because our goal was to see if marriage was right for us. It turns out marriage wasn’t right for us. I achieved my goal.

I have dreams of having a successful marriage, having kids, and changing the world. I can have these dreams with or without a man. The way I look at it, I have these things now. I have a successful marriage with myself. I have children that I teach and grow with everyday at school. I am changing the world by becoming a better version of myself.

I am dating someone new right now. We have been talking about life a lot the last few days. He recently asked me “How do you see yourself in the future in 1 or 2 years? With or without me?” I said “with you.” His response was “What happens if the universe tells you to change the opinion? What happens if your heart changes?” (The google translation from Spanish to English) My response was then that’s what happens (the shortened version). I am not going into the relationship with him because I want to marry him or have kids with him. I admit I would like those things with him. Yet, I am going into the relationship with him to learn and grow myself and to experience something great. If we get married or have kids than that’s awesome. If we don’t than that is awesome too. I cannot fail because I am experiencing something great and I am growing myself. I already achieved my goal and the relationship just started. If I continue to grow myself and experience great things than I achieved my goal. This goal can never end because there are always things to experience and there are always thing to grow.

The way to not fail is to change your goals to something that would allow you to succeed. There are things that you cannot control. I cannot control what my significant other will do so why make a goal based on that person? A marriage is based on two people. Why make the goal of the marriage to succeed if you cannot control what the other person does? Yes, we all want marriages to succeed yet that cannot be your only goal because it could end if the other person doesn’t pull their weight or do what they need to do. If you make the goal of the marriage to learn and grow yourself you will never fail because you have control over that.

You can apply this concept to everything, not just marriages. I have been doing this for a few years now and I have not failed. The last time I “failed” was my marriage 6 years ago. It failed because of the goal I had going in to it. I have since changed my goals to ones that keep me succeeding. If the relationships fall or you lose something, it will still be hard and sometimes painful. The thing is that you use that to grow and learn about yourself. You will still make mistakes that you can learn from. It makes it easier to handle the pain and sadness when you know you didn’t fail. When you know you did the best you can, it makes the sadness and pain pass quicker and easier.