Weidergabe

On this day last year, I booked my TEFL course and my flight to Costa Rica. That was the moment that changed my entire life. I made the choice to leave everything. I made the choice to start a new life in a foreign country. I left behind friends and family. I left behind normal. Being in Costa Rica is a life that is always changing. Every day I am pushed to learn something new, whether it’s a new word in Spanish or overcoming a fear.

I knew coming to Costa Rica would change my life. It knew it would give me the courage and freedom to be myself, to find my true self. It has done just that. I have found so much within myself I never knew was there. I told my now ex-fiancé that I could no longer be with him. I started dating Spanish guys which is an experience all in itself. I have learned how to take care of myself when I am sick. I learned how to comfort myself in times of sadness and grieve. I learned how to say no to things that no longer work for me. I am learning how and when to talk. I have learned that I could have children one day. I learned how to drive a manual car. I am learning how to speak another language. I am learning how to be a better teacher with my students and others around me.

I recently read a quote, “When the time comes for you to make a change or to grow, the universe will make you so uncomfortable you will eventually have no choice.” This is what happened to me. A year ago, I wrote about this experience a little bit. I was at a job that made me physically and emotionally sick so much so, I had to make a change. I started to feel uncomfortable way before the job. The job was the last thing I needed to make it happen.

There were many things that I was not happy with that I couldn’t seem to overcome. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn’t break free of. I felt like I was fighting to survive so I had no time to live. In 2014 and part of 2015, I was in good mental and physical shape. I was making improvements in my life. I felt like I was living. Then, at the end of 2015, I decided to move in with Jon and his dad. This was the start of being “uncomfortable”. I loved Jon and his Dad. I still do. They will always have a special place in my heart. When I moved in with them, things started to change within me. Things I didn’t like and I didn’t know what to do with. The experience of living with them was the best thing that I needed. It is something that I would go back and do again if I had too.

When I was there, I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do the things I had done in the past. I didn’t know why I stopped eating healthy. I didn’t know why I stopped exercising and gained weight. I didn’t understand a lot of things that I now understand. After having the time to myself here in Costa Rica I understand all of the why’s I didn’t know before. I understand on a deeper level what it is like to live and not just survive. I know what it is like to be free.

I am thankful for Jon and my family for helping me make the transition to this new life. I know Jon is not in my life as much as he used to be and that’s okay. I am thankful for all the things he has done to help me become the person I am today. When I decided to make this move last year he was the one that supported me the most. He helped me emotionally, mentally, and financially. He knew that when I moved, there was a high chance that I would leave him. He helped me anyway. I have learned to give without expecting anything in return because of that man. That man can give without expecting anything in return. I have never felt the love and appreciation from someone as much as I did from him.

My life will never be the same because of him. He is an amazing guy that I know will do amazing things. I hope him all the best in what he does. He has touched my life in ways one could only imagine. It will come back to him in ways he could only dream of.

The guy that I spoke about in my last post, I have to thank him too. I have to thank him for being patient with me and letting me do what I do to learn. He isn’t perfect and neither am I. The things I have and am currently learning from him is beyond what I could put into words. I realize that the last post I wrote was not as well written as I thought it could be. I could have written that in a way that I didn’t have to mention him or portray him in the way that I did. I have opened my heart to things I never knew I could because of him. I will cherish the time I have with him. I will continue to learn and grow from him. He is a mirror for what I need to learn. I am thankful and appreciative of everything that he does and doesn’t do for me. I am not sure I would be learning the things I am if it wasn’t for him being the mirror he is for me. I hope to continue to learn from him.

Life is a process of learning. I am learning to do things for people no matter what will happen. Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and show them love regardless of the outcome. Be a light for people in your lives because you never know how that one thing will change their lives. If someone does something for you even though it might be hard for them, grow and learn from it. Be grateful for what they have given you. Even if you can’t give back to them the way they did for you, give back any way you can. Life is short. Love and appreciate every little thing. I am learning to use my words wisely and with love. I am learning to change my perspective so that I can write or speak in a more loving and caring way. Anything is possible.

Church was pretty good today. My pastor hit the nail on the head. He started by saying “If what we do on Sunday doesn’t affect us on Monday, what are we doing on Sunday?” This is some truth. A lot of people just attend church on Sunday and it doesn’t affect the rest of the days. It’s just a thing many people do for various reasons such as it looks good. As you all know, I believe in the universe. So I am changing some of the things that the pastor said in words that make more sense to me.

He was talking about a true worshiper and what it looks like.  A true worshiper worships in spirit and truth. I may not worship a God yet I do believe and work with the spirit and truth of the universe. I praise and sing at church. I do this all the time not just at church. I dance and sing as I walk down the street or in my apartment. I praise the life that I have and the opportunities, good and bad, that come my way. This is something that keeps my spirits high and positive. I don’t do it just to “look’ the part at church. Today someone from the praise team said thank you to me for the energy I have during praise. That touched my heart in ways I can’t explain.

Another thing that stood out to me was “if we really knew about the light and salvation, what we did this morning will affect us tomorrow.” This hits home for me because this is honest truth. If you really knew what light and salvation looked like you would live a different life every day. The last month I have been struggling with many, many things. I can truly say that I am happy and full of light. I can say this because I know what true light and salvation looks like. I can create that within myself. I can create light and salvation within myself my changing my perspective. I am happy because I know that what I am going through is what I need right now. I also know that what I am going through will help other people on their journey. I am having to go through all these things so that I can go deeper into the light and truth. I am a teacher of life. In order to show people the light I need to go through many things to gain a deep and stronger light.

There were two more many things that he stated today. One was about stepping in to the building and the other was being honest with ourselves. He actually went outside the church to show his example. He said a few things about being outside the church. Then he stepped inside the church and said “you have to step into the building to be in the building. You have to step into spirit and truth. It’s not just about head knowledge. We can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Step into truth and power.”  This hit home for me because you have to step into spirit and truth in order to really feel and see it. For me, this has been something that I have been really working on. I have been stepping into my faith in the universe and finding the truth. Head knowledge can only get you so far. You have to really live it. In order to do this, I have to actually move and make things happen. I have to be a different person so I can get different results. This goes with the being honest with ourselves. I cannot see the truth or the spirit if I am not honest with myself. There are many people who say they are happy and ignore the misery and pain hiding just below the surface. I can say that I am happy. I can also say that I am scared, lonely, and hurt. I am being honest with myself about what I need to do to better myself. I need to become someone different so that I can get a different result than the one I have been having.

I encourage you all to step in to faith, spirit, and truth. Ask questions so you can find the truth and the light. Change your perspective and be honest with yourself about how you are really doing. Conquer fear and be a light for yourself and others. This life is wonderful if you live it every day. Not just on Sunday’s or when life is good. Believe even when life is at its worst. Push yourself and love yourself. Life will reward you in ways you never knew. I am living proof of this. You can be too.

Recently, I found out that I am an Empath. If you don’t know what an Empath is, it is someone who is affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. I have been reading a lot about Empaths. I am understanding why I am not understood by people and why I feel the crazy emotions that I feel. Sometimes I will be happy and on top of the world. At the same time, I will feel many other things like anger or confusion.

I have been so happy lately with how my life has been. It’s been hard the last few weeks and I still find myself happy and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions I have made and the things that I have done. I am seeing my true power. I am seeing just how strong and loving I really am. I am seeing a new Ashley. It’s overwhelming sometimes the new changes within me. It’s exciting and completely amazing as well.

The last week I has been hitting me really hard. I have been feeling things that I know are not my feelings. There are many changes happening at my job and in my life. I am alone for the first time in three years. I have no family here and I have no friends that support me like the ones back in the states. Since I have only been here for a few months I am still growing relationships. Whereas the ones at home I’ve had for many years. They know exactly what to do. They have been helping me tremendously over the phone as much as they can. There is only so much that can be done over the phone.

Since there are many changes happening at work I can feel everyone and their energies. I can feel the stress and the anxiety. I can feel the tension between everyone. I can see people struggling with the new responsibilities and changes. They all seem happy and great. I however feel what they really feel. I feel what’s truly going on in their bodies. It’s overwhelming for me because I feel the weight of everyone. I have my own struggles with my life. I don’t want to feel what other people are feeling.

Being an Empath is a gift and a curse. I love that I feel these things because it helps me understand on a really deep level what people are dealing with so I can help them. On the other hand, I feel the weight of the world (literally) on my shoulders. I am doing everything in my power to move these energies out of my body because they are not me and I don’t need them. I have learned a lot of things I can do because of the school I went to in New York City. The exercises I learned at IHP are helping me be able to stay within myself. This doesn’t mean that breakdowns don’t happen. They sure do. I just stay conscious and aware of myself the entire time I am breaking down.

Today, I had worst breakdown I have had in a long time. The day started off good. I organized my desk at school. I prepared what I needed for the day. It was good. Then around lunch time I went to the office for something and we started talking about my work visa. (I have been trying to get them to do this for 3 months) Come to find out… one of my documents expired last week. A document I can only get from the states. Let’s just say I wasn’t happy. I said to myself “you’re good under pressure. Let’s rock this.” (all while feeling like giving up) So, that’s what I did, I got to work. I thought of every option I possibly could. It’s either I go to the states and get it or someone brings it to me. I don’t want to go back to the states so I called everyone I know to get this paper and the stamp I need for it. Finally, I found someone. I just have to order a birth certificate and send it to her. I can’t do this unless my billing and shipping address are the same. I mean come on that’s easy to fix. Yet, when you’re on edge of a breakdown it’s a big deal. I fixed it and it’s done. I can’t do any more with the paperwork.

During lunch, we had a meeting with the new principal. Everyone is in the same room during their lunch time so I can feel the energies from everyone. I can feel the unease and the anxiety. I could feel so many energies there. I just felt like I needed to get out of there. As soon as it was over I left the room. I pulled myself together to teach the rest of the day. Which I am super proud I could do.

Let’s just say life kept coming at me after I got home. I broke down. I cried. I screamed. I ran. I breathed. I danced. I did everything I could possibly do. I want to give up right now. The thing is…. I can’t. I will keep pushing through whatever life is trying to teach me right now. I am fighting and learning about the different energies. I am figuring out what all this means for me and my life

Thank you everyone who has helped and encouraged me this week. It means the words to me! I love you all. You are the reason I keep pushing.

My mind has been blown everybody. I am doing the same thing all over again. You have to go to back to my marriage with my ex-husband. He was a good guy. He had things that I had never had before so I fell in love with that. I ignored everything else that was staring me in the face. There were things that I wanted in a partner that he never gave me and I made excuses as to why it was okay that he didn’t do those things. One of which was travel with me to new places. He traveled with me yet not as often as I would have liked. I wanted someone who would explore and not just stay on a resort and read a book by the pool. I wanted someone who would take monthly trips to New York City. I made excuses as to why he never did that not realizing I was selling myself short.

Fast forward to my relationship for the last 6 years. He broke up with me multiple times saying it’s because I needed to learn something. He wouldn’t talk to me most of the time. The thing is I took him back every time because I thought that I needed him to learn about myself and that I couldn’t do it on my own. I made excuses and kept the relationship going and dealing with the breakups when they came. Yes, I grew a lot and I wouldn’t go back and change this if I could. When people asked me why I took him back or why he and I did this my excuse was it was just how our relationship was. I settled. I wanted him to stay and not leave. I told him this and he couldn’t give it to me. I took him back every time because I was afraid to lose something.

Now, I was with this guy the last month or so. I asked him recently if we were boyfriend and girlfriend; he said no. The day this conversation happened I told him that I couldn’t talk to him until he was ready to be that for me. He sent messages and he got mad at me. So what did I do? I folded and took him back. I settled again. I am scared that I will lose something good. I would rather have certain things even though I’m not getting exactly what I want. I can have what I want and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing one thing when I can have it all.

I suggested we start over. He said yes. So for the last two weeks I was being this amazing girl to get him to see that I am worth it. I was being me. The thing is that he isn’t in the place to see everything I have to offer. He wasn’t ready to start over and even though I did he didn’t. I want certain things from a partner. He has some and he has potential for the rest. He just has to want it bad enough to be that for me. I need to be a FUCK YES in all ways. I am not that for him so I need to let myself go so that either he has space to see that or someone else will come along and be that for me. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that I need to be that for myself. I need to be able to not make excuses and give myself everything I want. If I want to be taken out on a date and shown off by my man than I need to not settle for anything less. If I want someone to be my boyfriend and they aren’t ready I need to walk away and not settle for less. I need to respect and love myself enough to say NO I DON’T WANT THIS! I WANT BETTER BECAUSE I CAN HAVE IT! I do not need to justify why I want these things either. I need to stand for what I want because if I can’t stand for what I want. How will anyone be able to do that for me? I need to do what I need for me. I need to be a FUCK YES FOR MYSELF! I am not bringing myself down to someone else’s level because they aren’t ready, just for potential. Action is what I need. I need to be action for myself so I attract that same thing.

BE A FUCK YES for yourself and don’t settle. Do not settle for one or two things when you can have it all. If you want the sunshine you have to handle the hurricane too. You can’t have one without the other. Trust yourself and love yourself when you’re a hurricane or sunshine. You know what you want trust that do not settle for any one.