I am grateful.

On this day last year, I booked my TEFL course and my flight to Costa Rica. That was the moment that changed my entire life. I made the choice to leave everything. I made the choice to start a new life in a foreign country. I left behind friends and family. I left behind normal. Being in Costa Rica is a life that is always changing. Every day I am pushed to learn something new, whether it’s a new word in Spanish or overcoming a fear.

I knew coming to Costa Rica would change my life. It knew it would give me the courage and freedom to be myself, to find my true self. It has done just that. I have found so much within myself I never knew was there. I told my now ex-fiancé that I could no longer be with him. I started dating Spanish guys which is an experience all in itself. I have learned how to take care of myself when I am sick. I learned how to comfort myself in times of 637CD8CD-CF3F-4B7F-86A6-66DF1D0885D1-874-000000754C599B4Asadness and grieve. I learned how to say no to things that no longer work for me. I am learning how and when to talk. I have learned that I could have children one day. I learned how to drive a manual car. I am learning how to speak another language. I am learning how to be a better teacher with my students and others around me.

I recently read a quote, “When the time comes for you to make a change or to grow, the universe will make you so uncomfortable you will eventually have no choice.” This is what happened to me. A year ago, I wrote about this experience a little bit. I was at a job that made me physically and emotionally sick so much so, I had to make a change. I started to feel uncomfortable way before the job. The job was the last thing I needed to make it happen.

There were many things that I was not happy with that I couldn’t seem to overcome. I felt like I was stuck in a cycle that I couldn’t break free of. I felt like I was fighting to survive so I had no time to live. In 2014 and part of 2015, I was in good mental and physical shape. I was making improvements in my life. I felt like I was living. Then, at the end of 2015, I decided to move in with Jon and his dad. This was the start of being “uncomfortable”. I loved Jon and his Dad. I still do. They will always have a special place in my heart. When I moved in with them, things started to change within me. Things I didn’t like and I didn’t know what to do with. The experience of living with them was the best thing that I needed. It is something that I would go back and do again if I had too.

When I was there, I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t do the things I had done in the past. I didn’t know why I stopped eating healthy. I didn’t know why I stopped exercising and gained weight. I didn’t understand a lot of things that I now understand. After having the time to myself here in Costa Rica I understand all of the why’s I didn’t know before. I understand on a deeper level what it is like to live and not just survive. I know what it is like to be free.

I am thankful for Jon and my family for helping me make the transition to this new life. I know Jon is not in my life as much as he used to be and that’s okay. I am thankful for all the things he has done to help me become the person I am today. When I decided to make this move last year he was the one that supported me the most. He helped me emotionally, mentally, and financially. He knew that when I moved, there was a high chance that I would leave him. He helped me anyway. I have learned to give without expecting anything in return because of that man. That man can give without expecting anything in return. I have never felt the love and appreciation from someone as much as I did from him.

My life will never be the same because of him. He is an amazing guy that I know will do amazing things. I hope him all the best in what he does. He has touched my life in ways one could only imagine. It will come back to him in ways he could only dream of.

The guy that I spoke about in my last post, I have to thank him too. I have to thank him for being patient with me and letting me do what I do to learn. He isn’t perfect and neither am I. The things I have and am currently learning from him is beyond what I could put into words. I realize that the last post I wrote was not as well written as I thought it could be. I could have written that in a way that I didn’t have to mention him or portray him in the way that I did. I have opened my heart to things I never knew I could because of him. I will cherish the time I have with him. I will continue to learn and grow from him. He is a mirror for what I need to learn. I am thankful and appreciative of everything that he does and doesn’t do for me. I am not sure I would be learning the things I am if it wasn’t for him being the mirror he is for me. I hope to continue to learn from him.

Life is a process of learning. I am learning to do things for people no matter what will happen. Everyone deserves someone to be there for them and show them love regardless of the outcome. Be a light for people in your lives because you never know how that one thing will change their lives. If someone does something for you even though it might be hard for them, grow and learn from it. Be grateful for what they have given you. Even if you can’t give back to them the way they did for you, give back any way you can. Life is short. Love and appreciate every little thing. I am learning to use my words wisely and with love. I am learning to change my perspective so that I can write or speak in a more loving and caring way. Anything is possible.


A Time of Growth



Hey Everybody,

I know it has been a while since I have written. I have had some medical issues as well as a death that has been taking a lot of my time. While all these things have been going on I have been learning so much about myself and life. It has been a wonderful experience despite the difficulties.

I had to learn to drive a manual car because I reserved the wrong car at the rental car company. I stalled that car more times than I can count. It was an adventure. One thing I can say is I made it the 3 hours to Jaco and the 3 hours back without any issues. It was an absolutely amazing experience driving a manual. This is an accomplishment for me. It was super frustrating and I managed to make it happen calmly.

As most of you know, I attend a school in New York City called the Institute for Hermetic Philosophy. The guy that founded IHP has written some books that as based on the principles we learn at the school. It is some pretty amazing stuff. I have been reading one of his books, “Morals for the 21st Century”. It took me a month to read the whole thing. It is really intense and long. It gave me a lot of insight into how I live my life and how I want to raise a family when I have one.

Since I have been single and dating, this book really helped me see things clearly. I have always been one who didn’t really want kids. I have recently opened my heart to the idea of having children. The thing is I want to conceive and raise these kids in a certain way. The book added a depth to how I want to do this and how it should look. It has given me insight into the type of marriage and family I want to have as well. I realized that a guy I was seeing a few months back was just a fantasy. I had this fantasy of what he could be and not what he actually is right now. Everyone could grow and evolve if they chose too. Then I realized that I would rather be alone than be with someone who isn’t honest. He may not have lied to me yet he did lie to the children at school when they asked if he liked me (we work together). I understand that it is work and we should be quiet yet there are ways to be honest and keep things quiet.  And he lied to his ex-wife about me as well. I do not want to raise a child with someone who lies about simple things. This is a huge deal breaker for me. It took me a good 2 months to realize this. He is a great friend and I will continue to be friends with him. However, I will lose the “fantasy” of being with him or having a family with him.

Another thing I want to have in my family is an environment where the child is free to express what they are feeling without being told it needs to be a certain way. I know that I have issues with this and have been working on this with the students at school and the people in my life.

I got sick again the other day and missed two days of work. The guy I just mentioned messaged me asking why I wasn’t at work. I said because I was sick. His first response was about the two things he sees. One was that I am not taking care of myself and I am too focused on my abs. The second was that I am mentally not good and my mental state is affecting my health. It took me a good day to respond to him about this. I agree that IMG_0411mental states do affect my health. It does that with everyone. The thing is there is a better way of saying this to someone. He is also not around me 24/7 so therefore he doesn’t know what I am doing in my life. I am learning that I cannot tell people something that I really don’t know. If I am not in your head or living your life, how can I tell you that you are in a negative mental state? Also, if I am not living at a higher state of consciousness, how can I be the one to say something to someone about their “mental” state?

The reason I bring this up is because I have been learning how what I say affects other people. I have been learning when it is my place to say something and when it is not my place. As well as saying it with positive and conscious words. I admit I am not perfect with my words and I am working on using them in a more harmonious way. I am doing this for a few reasons. One is because I need to do this for me to have a better life. Words carry a lot of weight so I need to use them wisely. Second is because I want my children to feel safe. I want them to be able to learn and think for themselves in a way that creates awareness with what they are doing. If I am speaking to my children in the way he spoke to me that day I could imagine how my children would react. I could imagine this because I know what it felt like to have this said to me.

This is a huge deal for me. I have issues with fantasies and boyfriends. I have had issues with seeing the fantasy and not the true person in the moment. People can grow, I sure have. The things is I have to see these fantasies for what they really are right now. I only have right now. Tomorrow is not always guaranteed. I have made some mistakes in my past with fantasies i have with men. This is a huge opportunity of growth for me.

You can learn and grow from anything that is put in your way. Whether it is learning to drive a manual car or seeing the fantasy you created about someone. Life is meant to be learned from and lived. Learn from everything. All the small things like what you say to someone to the big things like conquering a fear. Take everything and make it something amazing. Life is better when your head is held high than it is in the ground.

Live Life Honestly Every Day


Church was pretty good today. My pastor hit the nail on the head. He started by saying “If what we do on Sunday doesn’t affect us on Monday, what are we doing on Sunday?” This is some truth. A lot of people just attend church on Sunday and it doesn’t affect the rest of the days. It’s just a thing many people do for various reasons such as it looks good. As you all know, I believe in the universe. So I am changing some of the things that the pastor said in words that make more sense to me.

He was talking about a true worshiper and what it looks like.  A true worshiper worships in spirit and truth. I may not worship a God yet I do believe and work with the spirit and truth of the universe. I praise and sing at church. I do this all the time not just at church. I dance and sing as I walk down the street or in my apartment. I praise the life that I have and the opportunities, good and bad, that come my way. This is something that keeps my spirits high and positive. I don’t do it just to “look’ the part at church. Today someone from the praise team said thank you to me for the energy I have during praise. That touched my heart in ways I can’t explain.

Another thing that stood out to me was “if we really knew about the light and salvation, what we did this morning will affect us tomorrow.” This hits home for me because this is honest truth. If you really knew what light and salvation looked like you would live a different life every day. The last month I have been struggling with many, many things. I can truly say that I am happy and full of light. I can say this because I know what true light and salvation looks like. I can create that within myself. I can create light and salvation within myself my changing my perspective. I am happy because I know that what I am going through is what I need right now. I also know that what I am going through will help other people on their journey. I am having to go through all these things so that I can go deeper into the light and truth. I am a teacher of life. In order to show people the light I need to go through many things to gain a deep and stronger light.

There were two more many things that he stated today. One was about stepping in to the building and the other was being honest with ourselves. He actually went outside the church to show his example. He said a few things about being outside the church. Then he stepped inside the church and said “you have to step into the building to be in the building. You have to step into spirit and truth. It’s not just about head knowledge. We can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Step into truth and power.”  This hit home for me because you have to step into spirit and truth in order to really feel and see it. For me, this has been something that I have been really working on. I have been stepping into my faith in the universe and finding the truth. Head knowledge can only get you so far. You have to really live it. In order to do this, I have to actually move and make things happen. I have to be a different person so I can get different results. This goes with the being honest with ourselves. I cannot see the truth or the spirit if I am not honest with myself. There are many people who say they are happy and ignore the misery and pain hiding just below the surface. I can say that I am happy. I can also say that I am scared, lonely, and hurt. I am being honest with myself about what I need to do to better myself. I need to become someone different so that I can get a different result than the one I have been having.

I encourage you all to step in to faith, spirit, and truth. Ask questions so you can find the truth and the light. Change your perspective and be honest with yourself about how you are really doing. Conquer fear and be a light for yourself and others. This life is wonderful if you live it every day. Not just on Sunday’s or when life is good. Believe even when life is at its worst. Push yourself and love yourself. Life will reward you in ways you never knew. I am living proof of this. You can be too.

You deserve YOU!

A few months ago, a friend of mine was having trouble with his now ex-spouse. He wasn’t happy in the relationship with her. He lost himself by trying to please her. Then he fell for me. I told him that he deserves someone better than me and her. I didn’t go into detail about it. I just said that he needs someone better than us.

The truth is that everyone deserves someone better. The thing is that someone better is inside them. I am realizing that I deserve to be a better me. I deserve to give myself the life that I dream of. We all deserve these things. We just have to look within ourselves and give it to ourselves first. Then someone who matches what is inside us will come along and support us. If we can’t give what we need to ourselves then we will try to change and manipulate people outside of us into giving that to us. That will hurt everyone involved. It can only last so long before it ends in chaos.


It is your responsibility to give yourself what you deserve. You have to know yourself so deeply that you can look at yourself in a way that opens up possibilities for your life. We get on the outside what we give ourselves on the inside.

I challenge you to look deep within yourself and give to yourself what you long for. Give yourself that vacation, give yourself that date, or give yourself that love. Give yourself what you really need because you are your longest commitment. Ask yourself questions like “is this really how I want to be” “Am I able to give myself what I want this person to give me” “Am I allowing myself to truly feel and be with reality”.

It’s not about the answer, it’s about the question. Questions can lead you to place you have never been if you answer it with honesty and depth. By asking questions you can find out many things that will change your life. If you don’t ask the question, you won’t find the answers


I conquered a fear! — Surfing!

Today I conquered a fear of mine. I have never ever, ever wanted to go surfing in my life. Everyone who knows me knows that I will not go surfing. I am afraid of the waves and a rip current I purposely do not go to beach with waves over a certain height because it scares me.

It was a friend’s birthday today. She wanted to go fishing originally. We couldn’t find ba887035-82b9-4cf1-a450-232af934e5d9enough people to go and it would have cost too much. She decided on surfing. At first, I was like I will go and watch. After, some intense thinking I decided that I was going to do. I was going to conquer this fear and do it. I have been overcoming so much recently that I felt powerful enough to do this.

We have 20 minutes of practice on the sand. We practiced jumping from laying to standing. We practiced paddling to standing. I was like OMG I can’t do this. My ankle was not liking the squat position. I pushed through and we walked to the water. I just so happened to be the first one to go. I got on and I followed his directions. I MADE IT 1e0e335f-8bf5-48db-ab5b-a345a9049207HAPPEN!! I SURFED!! The first try I was standing up and surfed for a good bit of time. I was so proud of myself. I was standing on the wave in awe that I was actually doing it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. It is really hard on my ankle because of the surgery I had a while ago. Yet, it was incredible.

I absolutely needed to do that. I gave me strength that I can handle anything that comes my way. No one can stop me. I am living my life the way I need to live it. I am doing the things I need to truly live. I am taking fear and punching it in the face. I am conquering many fears and do many things I never thought possibly.

Do something that makes you proud. Overcome something because it will give you a power that no one can take away. Doing something so amazing like staring fear in the face is courageous and rewarding. Go out and do things that put you outside your box. Whether it is surfing, or leaving someone not good for you, or taking that test you need to get a head in your job. Whatever it is just do it. And do it with love.

I come with a warning….



Magic Yoga - Moonlight Meditation

I come with a warning… once a man gets to know the real me, they might (probably will) run away. How I live my life is hard for most people (especially men) to be with. When I meet a guy and I think there might be a chance for a dating relationship I warn them that once they get to know me they won’t want to be with me. (this maybe a bad thing)

By being me, I push buttons they never knew they had. They can grow past them or stay the same. I will continue to evolve. My life purpose is to be who I am so people can hopefully question the matrix they live in and unplug themselves. I have come to terms with being alone and never finding the “one” because it will take a very special man to be what I need. I may never find that person and I’m okay with that.

There are many men out there that have the knowledge and potential to live a brilliant and amazing life with me. The thing is they will have to let go of the part of them that doesn’t work for them. We all have defects that hold us back from a wonderful life, me included. I work every day to find and destroy my defects. I want to unplug from the matrix and live an extraordinary life. If someone wants that life with me they need to do the same. It can be done in whatever way that works for them. Yet, they need to work just as hard as I do to find and get rid of the defects that hold them back.

Some defects can be so ingrained in the person they do not see what it does. Some people ignore emotions and feelings because it is too tough to deal with. They have mask on that says “I’m happy and nothing is wrong.” When in reality, they are absolutely miserable. Some people enable their family members to do things that are holding both people back from having a life of freedom. These defects can be hard to see and acknowledge because they have lived their entire life like this. It’s “normal”.

I have defects, many defects in fact. Some of my defects I have shared with you in recent blog posts. The thing is… I don’t want normal. I want incredible. I want extraordinary. I question everything and anything that happens in my life. I question my questions sometimes. I have not always done this. I started doing this (6 years ago) and it changed my life. I can’t stop doing this. I won’t stop doing this because my life is something one could only feel and experience.

Questioning things and working to unplug myself scares people in my life. It scares them away because the fear of the unknown is too much for them. They would rather stay in the normal and comfortable. It’s easier to do that. It’s easy to do what you have always done. I however cannot do that. I cannot stay in the comfortable. I chase the unknown like my life depends on it because my life depends on the growth and awareness I am chasing. If you want to do the work and dig into the unknown… come with me. I will take you with me down the rabbit hole. If you want to stay comfortable that’s okay too. I just won’t wait around because I got things to see and things to experience. I can’t hold myself back for someone who isn’t willing to come with me. Sometimes the path we are on together only lasts for a short time before they have to go down their own path of finding themselves. I am content with people coming and going from my life.

It is very, very hard to leave without someone. I want everyone to have a life that is free from the the things that hold us back. I want everyone to live at their fullest potential. I can’t force someone to want that. When the times comes and I have to “leave” that person, it kills me inside. If I love the person with my entire heart and I have to leave then behind…. that is the absolute worse feeling in the world. Yet, for me to do the work I am set out to do, it has to be done. I am nervous about saying this because it won’t sit right with everyone. I do know that it will sit right with the people who understand and know what I am talking about. I will push ahead and publish this because the universe says that it’s what’s needed. Life is about being vulnerable, right?

Life is beautiful and there is something to learn from each person we meet. No matter how long someone is in your life for learn from them. Grow from the experience to break out of the box or to unplug yourself from the matrix. This life is meant for us to live and experience. You can’t experience a wonderful, extraordinary, or incredible life if you are comfortable and safe. Get out there and learn. Put yourself in situations that make you grow and question life as you know it. If you never ask questions you won’t ever know any different.

The Weight of the World

Recently, I found out that I am an Empath. If you don’t know what an Empath is, it is someone who is affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. I have been reading a lot about Empaths. I am understanding why I am not understood by people and why I feel the crazy emotions that I feel. Sometimes I will be happy and on top of the world. At the same time, I will feel many other things like anger or confusion.

I have been so happy lately with how my life has been. It’s been hard the last few weeks and I still find myself happy and upbeat. I am happy with the decisions I have made and the things that I have done. I am seeing my true power. I am seeing just how strong and loving I really am. I am seeing a new Ashley. It’s overwhelming sometimes the new changes within me. It’s exciting and completely amazing as well.

The last week I has been hitting me really hard. I have been feeling things that I know are not my feelings. There are many changes happening at my job and in my life. I am alone for the first time in three years. I have no family here and I have no friends that support me like the ones back in the states. Since I have only been here for a few months I am still growing relationships. Whereas the ones at home I’ve had for many years. They know exactly what to do. They have been helping me tremendously over the phone as much as they can. There is only so much that can be done over the phone.

Since there are many changes happening at work I can feel everyone and their energies. I can feel the stress and the anxiety. I can feel the tension between everyone. I can see people struggling with the new responsibilities and changes. They all seem happy and great. I however feel what they really feel. I feel what’s truly going on in their bodies. It’s overwhelming for me because I feel the weight of everyone. I have my own struggles with my life. I don’t want to feel what other people are feeling.

Being an Empath is a gift and a curse. I love that I feel these things because it helps me understand on a really deep level what people are dealing with so I can help them. On the other hand, I feel the weight of the world (literally) on my shoulders. I am doing everything in my power to move these energies out of my body because they are not me and I don’t need them. I have learned a lot of things I can do because of the school I went to in New York City. The exercises I learned at IHP are helping me be able to stay within myself. This doesn’t mean that breakdowns don’t happen. They sure do. I just stay conscious and aware of myself the entire time I am breaking down.

Today, I had worst breakdown I have had in a long time. The day started off good. I organized my desk at school. I prepared what I needed for the day. It was good. Then around lunch time I went to the office for something and we started talking about my work visa. (I have been trying to get them to do this for 3 months) Come to find out… one of my documents expired last week. A document I can only get from the states. Let’s just say I wasn’t happy. I said to myself “you’re good under pressure. Let’s rock this.” (all while feeling like giving up) So, that’s what I did, I got to work. I thought of every option I possibly could. It’s either I go to the states and get it or someone brings it to me. I don’t want to go back to the states so I called everyone I know to get this paper and the stamp I need for it. Finally, I found someone. I just have to order a birth certificate and send it to her. I can’t do this unless my billing and shipping address are the same. I mean come on that’s easy to fix. Yet, when you’re on edge of a breakdown it’s a big deal. I fixed it and it’s done. I can’t do any more with the paperwork.

During lunch, we had a meeting with the new principal. Everyone is in the same room during their lunch time so I can feel the energies from everyone. I can feel the unease and the anxiety. I could feel so many energies there. I just felt like I needed to get out of there. As soon as it was over I left the room. I pulled myself together to teach the rest of the day. Which I am super proud I could do.

Let’s just say life kept coming at me after I got home. I broke down. I cried. I screamed. I ran. I breathed. I danced. I did everything I could possibly do. I want to give up right now. The thing is…. I can’t. I will keep pushing through whatever life is trying to teach me right now. I am fighting and learning about the different energies. I am figuring out what all this means for me and my life

Thank you everyone who has helped and encouraged me this week. It means the words to me! I love you all. You are the reason I keep pushing.

If You Want it… Do It!



Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I felt powerful and at the same time I felt sad. I felt like I was grieving the loss of something. And in reality I am. I really liked the guy that I had been seeing for the last few months. I guess I have to grieve the loss since I can no longer see him in that way because I do not want to settle for less.

I started the day off with breakfast at a restaurant in town and a walk on the beach with a new friend. I cleaned my apartment and took a nap after. I felt like I could have slept all day. I didn’t though. I talked with a friend from the states and my mom. I felt better. I know that it is okay to feel sad because loss happens. I just can’t stay in that sadness, which I was good at doing yesterday. I am proud of myself for not letting the sadness over take my life.

This place across the street has a paint and wine night about once a month. I really didn’t have the money to go yet I knew I had to. So I went. They were painting boats. I wasn’t feeling the boat so I painted a seahorse. The place is really awesome with allowing you to paint whatever you like. I was scared to paint the seahorse. I wasn’t sure I could paint the seahorse the way I wanted to. I wasn’t sure it would come out how I imagined. I questioned whether or not I should do the seahorse or the boat for about half hour. The lady at the paint place said do the seahorse. So, I said you know what F this. I am painting the seahorse. I put my headphones in, tuned out the world, and went into myself.

I started to mix the paint for the background and it wasn’t coming out the color I wanted. I started to be like this is a sign you shouldn’t do this. I said to myself, “no you are doing this.” So, I asked for help. The lady helped me mixed the perfect color. Then I needed to outline the seahorse. I laid the canvas on the table, looked at the picture on my phone, and just painted the outline. Again, I was scared. I am not good at drawing animals or people. This was putting me outside my comfort zone. Yet, I knew this is what I needed toIMG_9613.jpg paint.

Next, I started on the seaweed at the bottom. I had no idea how I was supposed to do the seaweed so I just started. It wasn’t sure how I wanted it to look. I wasn’t feeling the way it was looking. I was thinking how can I start over and erase this. The universe told me “just keep going.” I pushed through with what I was going even though it wasn’t perfect. What I needed to do next just came to me. The seaweed came out perfect. Exactly how I wanted it too.

IMG_9617.jpgIt was time to work on the seahorse itself. I was the most fearful about this part. I was really scared that I would mess it up and the painting would be horrible. I asked for some help. She said to start small. Look at a small portion at a time. I tried this and I wasn’t feeling it. Something told me to just paint the whole damn horse yellow and orange. That’s what I did. It gave me a base coat that so that I could work from there. It wasn’t getting the result I wanted to, so asked for help again. All while thinking I can’t do this. She came over and suggested I use my fingers to get the look I wanted. I am thinking painting on canvas with my fingers?!? That’s new. Again, something said do it. So I used almost every finger on my right hand to get the seahorse to look a certain way. The more I worked with the paint and my fingers the more I began to love the painting. It was coming out great.


I could tell you step by step what I did, yet that is not the point of this. The point is that I pushed myself every step of the way during this painting. I didn’t think I could do it. I was determined to do this painting. I was determined to make this happen. Yes, I messed up on the fin of the seahorse and I found a way to fix it. I found a way to make it exactly how I wanted it too. I wanted to leave the seahorse plain without the brown lines for its spine because I was afraid I would ruin the beauty I had. I just picked up a brush and went to work. I painting the brown spines exactly where they needed to be. I didn’t second guess myself. I just painted. The final result is perfection. I am completely happy and proud of myself. I didn’t limit myself to something plain because it was too hard to make it perfect. I pushed through the thoughts and my piece came out perfect. It was hard and it was worth it.


When you want to do something do it with all your heart. Do it with all you got and it will be perfect. You may mess up and you may need help along the way. That’s okay. Keep pushing because the work you put into it will reward you with something amazing. I am confident and happy today because I didn’t let fear stop me. Love yourself so much that you make things you want a reality. If you want to paint that picture, do it. If you want to write a book, do it. If you want to move, do it. If you want that relationship, make it happen. Life is too short to be scared and fearful of what could happen. If you don’t try, you won’t see what you are capable of. Do it with all your heart with the right intentions and you will be amazed at the end result.


F*@#! YES!

My mind has been blown everybody. I am doing the same thing all over again. You have to go to back to my marriage with my ex-husband. He was a good guy. He had things that I had never had before so I fell in love with that. I ignored everything else that was staring me in the face. There were things that I wanted in a partner that he never gave me and I made excuses as to why it was okay that he didn’t do those things. One of which was travel with me to new places. He traveled with me yet not as often as I would have liked. I wanted someone who would explore and not just stay on a resort and read a book by the pool. I wanted someone who would take monthly trips to New York City. I made excuses as to why he never did that not realizing I was selling myself short.

Fast forward to my relationship for the last 6 years. He broke up with me multiple times saying it’s because I needed to learn something. He wouldn’t talk to me most of the time. The thing is I took him back every time because I thought that I needed him to learn about myself and that I couldn’t do it on my own. I made excuses and kept the relationship going and dealing with the breakups when they came. Yes, I grew a lot and I wouldn’t go back and change this if I could. When people asked me why I took him back or why he and I did this my excuse was it was just how our relationship was. I settled. I wanted him to stay and not leave. I told him this and he couldn’t give it to me. I took him back every time because I was afraid to lose something.

Now, I was with this guy the last month or so. I asked him recently if we were boyfriend and girlfriend; he said no. The day this conversation happened I told him that I couldn’t talk to him until he was ready to be that for me. He sent messages and he got mad at me. So what did I do? I folded and took him back. I settled again. I am scared that I will lose something good. I would rather have certain things even though I’m not getting exactly what I want. I can have what I want and I shouldn’t be afraid of losing one thing when I can have it all.

I suggested we start over. He said yes. So for the last two weeks I was being this amazing girl to get him to see that I am worth it. I was being me. The thing is that he isn’t in the place to see everything I have to offer. He wasn’t ready to start over and even though I did he didn’t. I want certain things from a partner. He has some and he has potential for the rest. He just has to want it bad enough to be that for me. I need to be a FUCK YES in all ways. I am not that for him so I need to let myself go so that either he has space to see that or someone else will come along and be that for me. The MOST IMPORTANT thing is that I need to be that for myself. I need to be able to not make excuses and give myself everything I want. If I want to be taken out on a date and shown off by my man than I need to not settle for anything less. If I want someone to be my boyfriend and they aren’t ready I need to walk away and not settle for less. I need to respect and love myself enough to say NO I DON’T WANT THIS! I WANT BETTER BECAUSE I CAN HAVE IT! I do not need to justify why I want these things either. I need to stand for what I want because if I can’t stand for what I want. How will anyone be able to do that for me? I need to do what I need for me. I need to be a FUCK YES FOR MYSELF! I am not bringing myself down to someone else’s level because they aren’t ready, just for potential. Action is what I need. I need to be action for myself so I attract that same thing.


BE A FUCK YES for yourself and don’t settle. Do not settle for one or two things when you can have it all. If you want the sunshine you have to handle the hurricane too. You can’t have one without the other. Trust yourself and love yourself when you’re a hurricane or sunshine. You know what you want trust that do not settle for any one.

Actions Vs. Words… Who wins?

Hey Everybody,

Life has been showing me some amazing things about myself lately. I really am stronger than I think I am. I have also come a very long way with my emotions. There are times that my emotions show very clearly on my face that may take a while to work on. How I respond to things really has changed. I don’t speak as quickly as I used to. I put a lot more thought into the emotions and feelings that I am having. I am not always the best at this yet this week has shown me that I can do it a lot more easily than I used to.

As you all know, I made a mistake recently. This week, I was pretty awesome. I was able to hold my tongue multiple times. I was able to see things in a different perspective. I was able to come from a place of love and understanding. I was able to forgive myself for what I had done and move on. Of course, I learned from the experience and I’m doing what I can to prove that I am sorry and that I messed up.  It’s okay to mess up because that is where you grow. It’s what you DO when you mess up that is everything. I messed up and I am proving with my actions what I said with my words.

I realize more now than ever how much actions speak louder than words. I said I would do something and I am doing it. I am doing exactly what I said I would do because my actions will show way more than my words. The thing is my actions may not be seen right away. That is okay because they are being seen by the people meant to see them.

With relationships, you can’t look at what the people say. You have to look at their actions because their actions will show you exactly where they are. I look at my past relationships with friends or boyfriends it doesn’t matter, it’s all the same. If you want to be in someone’s life you will make it happen no matter what. You can say “oh I miss you” or “oh we should talk” all you want. If you REALLY mean it you WILL call or make time to see that person. There is no better way to show someone how you feel than by your actions.

My best friend in the states, she and I talk all the time. She has a baby and two jobs… guess what? She still makes time to message or call me. I have other friends in the states who never call or message. I am always the first to message them. They never message me. I have to hold the conversation. That is not a friendship. Friendships go both ways. Friends make time no matter how busy their schedule is or what is going on in there life.

One of the reasons my best friend and I are still friends after 7 years is because she and I own up to our mistakes. We make an effort to be there for each other. We do what we need to do to show love or anger if we need to. We forgive and we move on. We don’t pretend that we are all good when things fall apart. We are honest with our feelings and don’t take them personally. We make the effort we need to make to keep the relationship going because we know that our friendship is valuable. We learn and grow from each other, which is the most valuable thing you can do. If I call her out on her shit or ask her a question she thinks about it with everything she has. She doesn’t give me some bullshit answer. She knows I will see right through the bullshit. And she does the same thing with me.

If I could take one thing from my life that would make my life better…. That would be to look at peoples actions before believing their words. Actions are everything. Words only have meaning if there is an action following it.