Tag: say no

How to stay TRUE to YOUSELF

Staying true to yourself is the most important and loving thing you can do. It isn’t easy because we can forget ourselves in the activities that we do. I know that I am one to forget myself. Over the past few years I am staying true to myself more and more. It can take many forms, some harder than others. The harder the task the more deeply I grow within myself. It is a beautiful, peaceful, and rewarding event to do.

Someone close to me has been having a hard time staying true to himself (or listening to himself). He has become sad and angry because he was scared to do what he needed to do for fear of losing me. I wanted to share with you the ways I have learned to listen to myself.

1. Say NO!

Saying no is a huge deal. When someone says “no” it can upset other people. If I don’t want to kiss on the first date, I will say no. Saying “no” gives you POWER. It also can show you about the other person. When someone hears “no”, they can either respect that or push you. If a person can’t handle hearing no isn’t your place to give in and do what they want. You lose respect for yourself.

DON’T GO AGAINST YOURSELF TO PLEASE SOMEONE ELSE! Say NO and MEAN IT

2. Set Boundaries and Stick to them

Know what your limits are and don’t break them. If I don’t like sleeping in the same bed with someone, I need to set that boundary with my partner and keep the wall up. This does two things. It lets me know that I AM IMPORTANT and WORTHY of my personal space and needs. Second, it let’s the other person know how they need to RESPECT ME. If I am constantly breaking my own boundaries, it will shows others that I am weak and will cater to them. PEOPLE WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE!

3. Know what you want and why

One of the only ways to stick to NO and your boundaries is to know what you want and why. I know that I can’t sleep in the same bed with someone for more than 4 days because it causes me to lose my energy and strength. I become irritable and lazy. Since I do not want to feel that way I set these limits and I say NO. KNOW WHAT YOU WANT AND WHY YOU (truly) WANT IT! This is such an important factor in being able to do the first two points. You LOSE YOURSELF every time you don’t know what you want and why.

The why is just as important as the want. Knowing why gives you strength during those times you need to say no. Knowing why creates a strong bond within yourself because there is complete clarity.

4. Never lose yourself for someone else

This is probably one of the hardest to do. It creeps up slowly. You do this by giving in to tiny things over and over again through time. If you love to volunteer and your partner doesn’t, you may find yourself slowly finding excuses to not do the charity work you always did. Going to see his parents one Tuesday night instead of volunteering at the local soup kitchen, turns in to canceling three or four times to never going again. THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME! If you love dancing around the house when you feel an energy flow, but are too afraid of what your partner will think (if they live with you), DON’T STOP! You want to keep this part of you because it is the part of you that loves and breathes. It is who you are at the core. Yes, it is true people can help you find yourself. If you are doing it because you know deep inside it’s better than who you were before.

5. You don’t need to care about the same things are your partner or friends

It is okay to have different interests. Why would you want to spend all your time doing stuff together? I used to do EVERYTHING with my ex’s and friends. I never did things I liked to do because it was easier to go along with the ride. I learned over time that having different interests kept distance in the relationship. Distance isn’t a bad thing. It can create desire and a chance to miss the person you love. Jonathan rarely does things without me. This caused a great deal of tension in the relationship because he wouldn’t put his needs first. Instead of going to basketball every Wednesday, he would watch movies with me all night. I know he wants to get the exercise and hang out with friends, but he was afriad to leave my side. (I never wanted to go because I am not a big fan of basketball.)

It is PERFECTLY FINE to not like or care about everything your partner does.

6. Walk Away when needed

If something doesn’t suit you any more for whatever reason, WALK AWAY! Do not stay in a relationship because you are afraid to lose love, money or attention. Only be in a relationship if you feel it is what you need to do for you. If someone is disrepecting you constantly, leave them. If you know you need to move out the house because you need space to think. DO IT! Staying in a relationship that doesn’t serve you on a deeper level is more damaging to your soul than leaving. Leaving when you feel trapped is freeing and can open your mind to something bigger.

Take it from someone who spent 5 years with someone not following every bullet mentioned in this article. When the marriage ended, I HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS! I cried. I felt lost and confused. It took me years to build myself up again. It was the best thing that happened to me. I wouldn’t let it happen again. It’s terrifying not knowing who you are because everything you thought you knew about you was gone. Gone because the one you gave it too was no longer around. STAY TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE! It is not worth losing.

(These can be used in intiment realtionships, friendships, or even the jobs we have)

7 Ways to Build Self-Confidence

I didn’t always have self confidence. For the majority of my life, I was a outgoing and appeared confident. However, that was not the case. Deep inside, I was crying for attention from myself. Instead of looking within and finding myself, I chose men and other things to focus my attention on. For years, i continued to neglect my true self. I ignored the problems I held deep within. Unless you were my close friend or relative, you never knew. After my divorce, I had hit rock bottom. I knew I needed to really find myself or I would have the same thing happen again. I hated how I felt. I hated feeling lonely, used, and betrayed. I started to do these 7 things. It was not a quick fix. It was something that took years of practice and determination to gain the self confidence I have now. Some were easier than others to achieve.

1. Take Time for Yourself

This can look different for different people. It could be taking that vacation you have been putting off for years. It could be as simple as taking a bath with candles. There are so many ways you can take time for yourself. At first for me, it was taking baths and going to the movies alone. As time went on the time was spent differently. During my college years, it was taking space from men. I only spent time with woman. I moved into an apartment with 3 other woman and really understood what the power of having girlfriends was. Within the last few years, it has been quitting my job and moving to a foreign country alone. Depending on where you are in your journey of self confidence will depend on what taking time for yourself looks like.

2. Set Yourself up to Succeed

When you succeed at something that isn’t easy to do, you learn what you are capable of. This is a major part of setting yourself up for success. Start small. If you are learning self confidence (in the beginning) you may not want to move abroad solo. This may be too big of a step for you to begin with. There is no way I would have been able to move abroad 10 years ago. I would have been frustrated and moved back home. Gradually increase the activities and situations you put yourself in. Try not to do too much as one time. Set small goals you are able to achieve. Or set a big goal with little steps to get there.

3. Exercise often

Exercise is the best way to increase endorphins and stay strong. It has helped me release energy and stay focused. I notice a huge different in my overall well being when I do not get a certain amount of exercise in a day. Running, swimming, or any other increase adrenaline activity can help you stay positive. It helps your body stay in shape as well. If you have trouble with this like I do, I suggest an exercise buddy to keep you motivated. My buddy is my dog. She needs to run so I run around the yard with her. The days I don’t do this with her, she eats things she isn’t supposed to. This helps both of us stay in shape and mentally in a good place.

4. Take Care of Your Hygiene

This may seem like it has nothing to do with self confidence. However, it does. This is a huge part of feeling good about yourself. If you aren’t washing your hair or brushing your teeth regularly, you tend to feel down and depressed. The first thing i do when i wake up is take a shower. There was a few days we didn’t have water, and I couldn’t do this. I had to push through the feelings of yuck and grime. It is so important to feel clean. It is a basic need so making sure you met that need is important. It’s the foundation of self confidence.

5. Dig Deep Within Yourself

This is probably the biggest, hardest, and most helpful thing I have done to gain self confidence. I took courses to help me discover some deep rooted issues from my childhood that kept my self confidence low. Some of which were the Landmark Forum, Justin Sterling’s Woman’s course, and attending the Institute for Hermetic Philosophy. Reading books was another way that helped me understand what self confidence looks like. All of these courses and books helped me understand what was stopping me from loving myself and not allowing myself to have better than what i was giving myself.

6. Act Positive

Acting positive is different than thinking positive because it allows you to put into action positivity. I started with doing one positive thing a day. It became a habit and now I do it more often. This could be doing that project that you have been putting off for 3 weeks. Open up your body more by sitting up straight and having better posture. Yoga or deep breathing exercises. Smile or laugh more often. Open up your love. Give compliments to people you might not have in the past. Allow yourself to love freely. All of these things and many more help with self confidence. For me, it was adjusting my posture, giving more love, and do projects i had been putting off.

7. Say No

Since I always wanted to be around people for fear of being alone, I never said no when I should have. Being able to tell people “No I can’t do that” without giving an in depth reason why and NOT FEELING BAD is one of the most self rewarding things you can do. I began to trust myself in ways I never knew i could when I started saying no to things that didn’t suit me. Just simply say NO. Justifying or feeling bad about saying no takes your power from you so you lose self confidence. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY NO! Again, start with small things you want to say no too and move to bigger things. This takes practice as it is scary to do if you have never done it.