Tag: victim

Victim to Victor: The Choice is Yours

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog about identifying victim mentality. Here is the second part… Victim to Victor!

We all have a choice on how we want to live our lives. We learn how to be victims or victors from our parents and close family when we are young. If you are around people who play the victim, you will play the victim yourself. Same goes for being the victor.

Even if we learned something as a child we can…

WE CAN choose HOW WE WANT TO LIVE!

The first step is choosing to live a different life. To go from victim to victor, we need to work and learn a new way of being.  It takes time and patience. It took me years to get to the victor mentality I now have. Don’t give up.

Here are a few ways to turn your life into one of a victor.

  1. Motivating yourself and others

Motivation is a huge positive mindset adjustment for people who play the victim. Motivating yourself and others is a positive and encouraging things to do. It requires a certain mindset to authentically motivate others. There are so many people that have a negative aspect when motivating others to achieve their goals or live the life they want. When you learn to positively motivate others it changes how you see life.

My way of motivating people now is completely different than it was 2 months ago or even 6 years ago. I am constantly learning new ways to motivate people in the best possible way. As I look back on how it has changed, I see how I play the victim less and less.

  1. Being impeccable with our values and promises

Being impeccable with our values and promises, we begn to distance ourselves from the victim mentality to the victor mentality. This happens because, in order to be impeccable with our values and promises, we have to own the mistakes me make. For me, being honest is a value that is important to me. If I find myself not being honest, I own up to that and not blame others, moving from victim to victor. I take control of my actions. Same with goes for breaking rules. If I break rules at my job, it is no one’s fault but mine. So when I become impeccable with myself, I own myself. There is no room to blame others.

It is difficult to do. It is worth doing being you gain so many other valuable traits that make the difficult well worth the effort. If you want more on this reading “The four agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz is perfect for you!

  1. Overcoming fears and obstacles with a positive and grateful mindset

Some look at fears with a negative mindset. This negativity creates a breeding ground for the victim mentality. When one is grateful for all obstacles they are able to see the greatness within themselves as well as others.  Allowing you to be the victor in many ways. I found this the quickest way to overcome the victim mentality. If these suggestions are difficult and daunting to you, this one is my favorite and most life-changing tool.

In the last 2 years, I have learned how being grateful and positive even in hard times can change my way of thinking in drastic ways. I am loving the energy and feelings when placed in certain situations now.  Try this for 3 months and see the transformation!

  1. Gaining new knowledge

Reading books, Ted Talks, or attending personal development events is a great way to open your mind to another way of being. Using what we learn in the books, Ted Talks, and events give us access to tools we can use to learn. Learning from our experiences and being open to a new way of living or seeing life can allow us to put ourselves in other’s shoes. Thus opening our minds to the victor mentality rather than staying the victim.

Search for books, Ted Talks, and events that are for personal development for the next 6 months. Practice the tools they give you and see the changes in your life.

How Do We Play The Victim?

Everyone has played the victim at some point in their lives. It’s what we do as kids. Certain people never grow out of it. As a teacher, my student’s play the victim all the time. Some more than others. If someone gets in trouble for talking to someone, they tell me, “she was talking too.” Instead of saying sorry teacher, they put the blame on the other person. Of course, this is a very basic form of playing the victim. I have found from personal experience there are many more different ways it presents itself. Here are the 6 I have seen.

1. Doesn’t Take Responsibility, Blames Others

This is probably the most common form I have seen. It’s when the person blames someone else so they don’t have to take responsibility for their mistakes or problems. I have done this many times. I had a rough week at work because I didn’t finish my lesson planning on time. I blamed it on the internet not working (which it wasn’t working) instead of just saying “hey, I overbooked myself this week. I am sorry.” I could have lesson planned earlier in the week when I normally do instead of waiting until the last minute. Things happen and we make mistakes. It is okay. How we handle those mistakes shows us if we are “the victim” or not. I played the victim by not taking responsibility for the fact I waited until the last minute. The internet here is unpredictable and I have known this. If I had done the work on Tuesday, like I do every week it would have been done.

It can be hard to admit situations like this because it can affect the ego or make you look bad. It takes courage and strength to admit you were in the wrong. It is easier and less “painful” to blame it on external situations, like the internet not working. I think some people use this as a way not justify why they broke the rules or did the things they did. It takes time to learn how to be honest and take responsibility for your actions. It does start with one situation at a time.

2. Holds Grudges, No Forgiveness

When someone doesn’t forgive or let things go it can cause anger and resent to be present. This hurts you more than anyone. It has an effect on those around you because you tend to push them away. The only people I have held grudges against was my mom and dad. It took me a really long time to forgive and understand the things they did when I was little. As I began to look within myself, I began to see that they did the best they could with what they had. I hated my father for not letting me express myself in the ways I wanted too. I hated him for not allowing me to chose the clothes I wanted. I had a grudge towards my mom for giving my sister more attention and money than me. I hated my mom for taking the side of my ex husband during my divorce. It took some time to be able to let those things go. I had to yell and scream at my father. I had to disown my mother. All during that time, I worked on myself so I could be the person I wanted to be regardless of their actions.

This is not easy. It is probably one of the hardest things to do, to forgive and let go. It takes time to truly understand deeply what this does to our lives. Of course, you need to protect yourself. It is a two way street. If you forgive someone and they don’t grow with you, maybe it’s time to walk away. Forgiveness is for your own peace. You can forgive and walk away if you need to. I have forgiven people and left the relationship. I forgave my mother and father. The relationship with them changed for the better, allowing us to have the relationship we have now. Even if you forgive and leave the person, you still have a peace inside you. That is the most important: being at peace.

3. Doesn’t Trust Others, Everyone is Against Them

This one doesn’t always appear in people who play the victim. It does show frequently though. When you play the victim you are constantly thinking that people are doing things on purpose and trying to make you miserable. It makes logical sense that a “victim” would not trust others. With my job, I have issues with my boss sometimes (don’t we all). There are others that have issues with her much more than I do. I believe part of this is because they think it is all because of our boss. My boss is not perfect and part of her personality drives me insane. I have learned to go with it. To stay in my lane and follow the rules. If I follow the rules whether I like them or not, she leaves me alone. I don’t think she is out to fire me or get me in trouble because I do what I am supposed to do. And when I don’t do what is required of me, I take responsibility for it (this was not always the case, I just learned this a few months ago). Others have been written up for not following the rules, then go and blame her for the problem. They take it personally and believe she is against them.

I have found that if you take responsibility for your actions and consequences people will trust you more. You have to be willing to trust others first. People don’t trust you if you don’t trust them. I confronted my boss about the issues I was having with her. The meeting did not go well at all. She wrote me up from confronting her. I left feeling like she is against me and doesn’t care. Since I felt unsettled about the meeting, I took a good look at myself. I took responsibility for my part of the “failed” meeting and apologized. In the end, the write up never went into my file. She and I also communicate much better now.

4. Argues Quickly and Easily

People that play the victim will argue over everything. They feel it is not their fault and other people are wrong. This causes them to argue and debate every situation because it doesn’t suit their needs or wants. I know I have done this in the past and sometimes now. I am working on listening before I speak. It is a hard thing to do. Not every feeling of disappointment or hurt requires an argument. This weekend I argued with my boyfriend over cleaning. It was his weekend to clean and he didn’t do it when I wanted him to do it. I felt like the victim and started an argument. The argument went nowhere because I had no real merit for my anger.

When we stop playing the victim we don’t argue about every little thing that bothers us. We tend to examine the situation and have a different reaction that doesn’t always lead to a fight. Allowing ourselves to acknowledge we may be wrong or we may be overreacting creates space for us to not be the victim.  

5. Their Life is Lacking, Nothing is Good Enough

They tend to blame their lack of something on other things. An example would be that they are stressed about money yet they are the ones that made the decision to quit a job or spend money they don’t have. A lot of women blame their loneliness on the fact that men are worthless and horrible. My question is what are these people doing to cause themselves to not have the money or attract a good man? We attract what we want by the energy we put out. If you are always playing the victim you will never be able to appreciate a good thing when you have it.

I used to blame my failed marriage on my ex-husband. It was his fault that we got divorced. He didn’t try and he cheated. I lacked a good marriage because he was incapable of being the husband I needed. However, after some deep consideration, I realized that it was my fault too. I was controlling and quite frankly a bitch. I can’t expect to have a fantastic relationship when I am a controlling bitch.

Our lives lack certain things because of our energy or attitude towards certain situations. Now, there are people who actually are lacking because of external circumstances. That is why we have the black lives matter movement and people fighting for the rights of underprivileged people.

What’s Next

Stay tuned for the how to turn your life from Victim to Victor.